Amanda Palmer on the Juiced-box

(Note: All photos link to Amanda Palmer’s website.)

Remember all that stuff you don’t know about me? Here’s another one.

The Bar None has tons of closets and i’m coming out of one right now. i’m a kinda feminist.

i’m a kinda feminist because, while i like boobs (and hell, come one, let’s be honest, everyone likes boobs, what’s there not to like?) and one or two risqué photos have slipped past my usually eagle eye and found their way onto my site and yes, there were a couple posts that were politically incorrect enough to piss off even Miss Demeanor—who has a very fucking high threshold for that kind of shit—still i maintain that i’m a kinda feminist.

Like i like chick music. And not just the good stuff either; i like it all. Really, like Taylor Momsen and The Pretty Reckless. True blue feminism, bros and bras.

And in the 80’s i was into Sinead O’Connor long before she didn’t want what she hadn’t got and there were the singers you didn’t even know about like Toni Childs. i was onto Tori Amos before Trent Reznor and had bootlegged copies of Ani DiFranco on something we old timers used to call “cassettes” (that’s it, sound it out). Michelle Shocked didn’t shock me though her Texas Campfire Tapes warmed my cold cold heart. And the Indigo Girls…ahh, the Indigo Girls. The first 5 songs of Indigo Girls tore me up in ways you can’t even begin to spell. Of course the was also Sarah McLachlan and i saw Alanis Morissette in a club smaller than your high school gym. Melissa Etheridge, Tracy Chapman, even Suzanne Vega. And these are just the folkies! Don’t get me started on Billie Holiday or Joan Jett or Etta James or Cecilia Bartoli… OK, i’m bored now of trying to establish my feminist cred and if you haven’t bought it yet, you’re never going to.

Anyway, i discovered this kick ass singer/songwriter who, as is her wont (and her job) wrote and sang a kick ass song. i now give center stage at the Bar None over to Amanda Palmer who will be singing “Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass“. My fellow alkies, give it up for Amanda!

[Press ‘Play’ for the floored show; DOWNLOAD AN OFFICIAL AND FREE COPY OF THE SONG HERE]

Here are the killer lyrics and i won’t have to explain why she has her place in the Bar None juiced-box:

when i was six years old my sister alyson

asked for a stove for her birthday

a miniature one you could actually cook with

and my mom was nice and she bought one

alyson needed a reason to bake something

barged in my room and she grabbed me

she said:

“i made a cake and we’re going next door

to sam weinstein’s and you’re getting married”

the cake was burned

it tasted gross

she made me kiss him

on the mouth

now i am 33

unmarried happily

no plans in life and i’m planning to keep it that way

i do kissing with only one mission

do you like to kiss? then you have my permission

and i have already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i just want to make out all the time

you can bet your black ass that i’m going to

when i was nine i was kind of a loser

the kids in my class didn’t like me

melanie chow was the meanest of all

and my mom made me go to her party

nobody talked to me i sat there quietly

drawing with crayons on a napkin

a picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork

her legs getting eaten by lions

the cake was good

i took some home

i had a party

in my room

now i have friends and i’m not such a loser

but i go to bars all alone and i sit there

and order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people

yes that’s how i like it

and i’ve already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine

you can bet your black ass that i’m going to

yes i come here often

sure i’ll have another one

yes i come here often

sure i’ll have another one

but i don’t have to talk to you

when i was 17 i was a blowjob queen

picking up tips from the masters

i was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after

now i’m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)

i don’t make love now to make people love me

but i don’t mind sharing my gift with the planet

we’re all gonna die and a blowjob’s fantastic

and

when i was 25 i was a rock star

but it didn’t pay too well i had to strip on the side

of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by

baby they’d never know

what a bargain they’d gotten

and if i’m forgotten

i’m perfectly happy with all that has happened

and i still get laughed at but it doesn’t bother me

i’m just so glad to hear laughter around me

and i’ve already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate

or look like a dyke

or wear high heels and lipstick

or hide in a convent

or try to be mayor

or marry a writer

smoke crack and slash tires

make jokes you don’t like

or paint ducks and retire

YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I’M GOING TO

Take a bow for the peeps, Amanda.