17 | November | 2010 | The Bar None -- High & Dry

Click on this poster to see a much cooler 3D poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Default – Turn It On

[Press ‘Play’ for a song as stale as the plot of the movie]

Ramblings: Don’t See Saw

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with an ’80s TV star? It’s OK if they’re boring as hell and keep regurgitating the same shit they’ve been doing since you were a kid because, let’s face it, your parents are exactly like that and you love them anyway. No, the problem with the ’80s TV star is that he sits there in his pink pastel sports coat and white t-shirt drinking fuzzy navel upon fuzzy navel and he thinks he’s still cool, he thinks he’s still original and that people like him even if every episode of his sitcom is exactly the same with the same jokes and the same plot line and the same intrigue. He thinks he’s fooling you because he honestly and truly believes you don’t realize you’ve been watching him vomit the same vomit he’s been vomiting since the beginning. That’s kinda the way it is with Saw 3D: The Final Chapter.

A good reviewer (or me) should judge a movie based on what the movie wants to be. It’s not fair to watch Animal House and bitch about how it doesn’t have a good narrative arc and what piddling exposition there is comes exclusively through dialog. If you watch Animal House and it cracks you up like crack, then it’s a good movie. A good horror movie is supposed to freak you out, a good gorn (gore porn) movie is supposed to make you cringe in your seat. Saw 3D made me cringe, but for all the wrong reasons.

I Couldn't Tear Myself Away

The “tests” started off pretty cool with a slut and the two guys she was cheating on suspended in a shop window and the two guys had to decide which of them would be shredded by a table saw, or they could chose the girl. All of this with a whole street full of people watching outside on the sidewalk and photographing everything with cell phone. So yeah, i liked the beginning and the settled in for a wonderful blood fest. That never happened.

There was actually a plot and not an easy plot but a plot it took hours to set up and then when it was there it looked like a retarded drawing done by a third grader with ADD issues and way too much unsupervised time on GTA. Nobody cared. We just wanted more freaky gore but apparently the blood bank was as empty as the writer’s well because the only buzz here did not come from the Saw but from the beers i snuck in. Don’t believe me and think i’m just saying that to look cool but really i’m a lying poseur? This is what a real movie reviewer looks like when he sits down to watch a movie, y’all.

Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter had bad dream sequences, back story that came across as back talk and a plot that was cared for about as much as a a skank with a festering cold sore in a men’s room holding stale British beer with a cigarette butt floating in it. You know what’s truly frightening about this shit? “Final Chapter” is used here with all the sincerity of an Eagles farewell tour so please please please don’t see this so they won’t have a good reason to put me through this again.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Some very hot women but they were as naked as a jaybird…if the jaybird was wearing an overcoat on top of a sweater with a straight jacket hiding a chastity belt underneath.

Which may not be such a bad thing, considering Betsy Russell (47), who is a fine actress who also had some kind of surgery that turned on her like [AlKHallism: i actually self-censored here; i just wanted y’all to know i had an incredibly funny comparison here but i deleted it because it was just plain mean and that’s not what we’re about in the Bar None. NO HATERS!]. In addition to the Before / After shots i’m sticking in my drawers, there’s already this collage.

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Gina Holden (35) plays Bobby’s wife and spends most of the movie on her knees and in chains, if you’re into that kink of thing. Looks like this, in case you are.

There’s some shots i’m keeping warm for you in my drawers, but let’s kick this off with a collage.

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Wrapping up this section, there’s the loveliest and intelligentest actress, Naomi Snieckus, who appears as Nina the publicist or the agent or something who’s promoting a survivor’s story. i’m not gonna shoot my wad of photos here because this splendid creature has been gracious enough to an interview so i’m gonna pace myself and save some for later.

Silken Butterflies

Which leaves us with those Silken Butterflies (which is explained in the link right up there if you wanna know). Kicking them off, we get Gabby West who is so cool i’m gonna link in her IMDB page because i’m just that kind of out there generous. i’m not sure i understood everything because there were lots of big words and they were tough to sound out, but i think it’s like Gabby won a Scream Queen reality show and part of the prize was for her to be in Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter and she was in it and she looked great but even better, she did a great job acting and i hope she gets the chance to do more great acting and looking great like this.

[2011-04-09 AlKHallism: And guess what…all this brown nosing paid off because i’m in the midst of editing the interview she gave me. Go West, young man.]

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You think that looks good, you should see her in my drawers, down below.

There’s also Rebecca Marshall, who played “Suzanne” and i’ll be damned if i can remember who “Suzanne” was, other than she must of been super good looking because she looked like this.

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Yeah yeah, drawer shots “down there”, just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

Wrapping up the talent part of our show, we got Larissa Gomes, who did a splendid job as “Emily”. This is sweet Larissa.

For those of you who are more into bones than flesh, there was Cary Elwes (48), who Miss Demeanor would be pissed at me for if i didn’t mention he was Wesley / Dread Pirate Roberts in the film version of The Princess Bride.

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There’s also this other actor called Sean Patrick Flanery (45) who did a lot of stuff about Indiana Jones as a kid when he was a kid. Here’s kinda what he looks like now.

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A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

The only thing remotely resembling a drink in this mess was the guy, Bobby, came up with his “brilliant” idea that was doomed to backfire after becoming a twist that isn’t so twisty but more like a wedgy in bar. There was probably a beer on the counter i couldn’t be bothered to look hard enough for.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

i’m kinda bored here, i mean “torn”, because there wasn’t a shitload of rock in the movie but the incidental music they did have was kinda cool but there was a soundtrack with sorta heavy metal tracks but they weren’t really in the movie so it was more like “heavy metal inspired by the movie Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter” which isn’t bad but, let’s be honest, wasn’t all that inspired, either. All this mess melts down to 2 shots as regards the rock.