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This is the kind of crap that’s sunk to the bottom of the dregs this week: pregnant women with their bottoms up, prison guards getting jailbait drunk
[Press ‘Play’ for a song that Miss D’s gonna ream me out a new one for posting but it’s about booze so i say it stays]
Commoner Dregs
Oct 6: It’s Never Too Late To Put Your Bottom Up
Studies by people who are a hell of a lot more serious and intelligent than i am prove that there is no risk for the baby on board if a pregnant mother knocks a few back. You think that’s rad? Check this out and you know i’m gonna quote it exactly because if i rephrase it you’d just think i’s stupid and not understanding:
Not only did boys whose mothers sipped on one or two drinks a week have a developmental edge, children of teetotalers performed almost as poorly on intelligence tests as children of binge drinkers.
Course you’ll tell me i didn’t get it wrong but maybe the mother who wrote the article did because you just know she’d spiked a slurpee with Monster and vodka while she was freelancing. Basically here’s the “bottom” line: if you didn’t put your bottom up the first time, it’s not too late to do it now.
This County Prison administrator (named Alfred Crivellaro–49) got the cops called on him because he was partying hard time, trying to get a little escape. When the police showed up in his yard, they found kids as young as 17 mingling in the general population of beer cans, wine and booze bottles. So yeah, he and his wife got busted and he’ll get his wrist slapped with all the severity the law can peter out. Seriously, it’s no big deal because the guy was just holding a graduation party for his high school daughter. They didn’t even post pictures online, the bastiches. At least i’m posting pictures of underage drinkers up top and this shot of Al Cuervo.
John Brady is the Mayor of Mankato, Minnesota and not even that was good enough to get him out of some mayor problems. John was drunk driving because there’ nothing else to do in Minnesota unless you’re the artist once known as Love Symbol and some cop chased him down after Johnny hit and ran over a parked vehicle. The cop pulls him over, sees an open bottle of vodka in the car and when he starts talking to John, thinks John was speaking a foreign language. Apparently the cop didn’t speak drunk, because John failed every field test they could throw up at him and then tested around 0.24% on the BAC, which puts him at 3 times over the legal limit and almost gets him the high record of the week (just like he almost won re-election last Tuesday but lost). My favorite part of this is he was sentenced to 60 days in the workhouse, and that would’ve made him the first politician ever to work except the sentence was stayed, which means John gets to stay lazy.
Oct 13: Drunk Driving a Patrol Car
Even better than a drunk Mayor…. You’re at work, OK, and one of your coworkers, let’s call him Jeff Sprauer because that’s his name, arrives late by plowing into a curb and parking half on the sidewalk with a flat tire in the trunk he says he got when he hit another curb in a different town earlier. Oh yeah, and two citizens already called in about him before that. Oh yeah, he was driving a patrol car because, oh yeah, he’s a cop. Oh yeah, this was the second time because he was already fired from the police department in 2006 for the same thing. See, he was busted for drunk driving in 2006 but was reinstated in 2008 on the “you can’t prove I was drunk” defense, which i would like to try but would never be able to get away with because when i’m drunk the whole world knows it (and usually calls the sober police to complain), which is why i never drive period. Jeff Sprawler gets his old job back and goes about proving everyone was wrong because he pulls the same shit again, only this time in his cop car, during the day. You ‘member the guy from the last Dregs whose plea to the cops was “I know you’re drunk but what am I/ I know you’re drunk but what am I?” Looks like he’s not as wrong or as stupid as we thought.
You think that was bad, you oughta see how they, and by “they” i mean Chris Christinger, do it in Canada. Not only did this rookie Mountie drunk drive his police truck drunk (apparently the Police horse was on a bender) but he upped the ante way up north by sneaking an 18-year-old into the beer garden he took her to. Then, apparently afraid that not everyone in the great white north would appreciate his stupidity, he posted photos of all this mess on his Facebook page, eh. His bosses were mad at him they docked him ten days pay, which equals a quart of maple syrup, a case of Labatts and a Celine Dion Greatest Hits CD including “My Hard Will Grow On”.
Here’s a wallpaper collage of drunks on Facebook. They are not the photos that Chris-mass posted and i can’t find anywhere no matter how much i look.
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Oct 13: Seven Kids Drive Mother to Drive Drunk
Mary R. O’Neil, this 37-year-old woman in Vermont was arrested last March for drunk driving with 7, count ’em 7, kids in the car. Swear to god, do they really expect us to drive seven kids around sober? Did i mention that she gets the record for the High BAC of the week, testing in at 0.379%, over 4 times the legal limit? For that, she gets to spend 15 days in jail (2 days per kid and one to grow on), which will be like a freaking vacation for her ’cause the kids ain’t coming.
They know how to party down under and i’m not talking about anal porn but Australia. Seems this 42-year-old (in Australia they’re too polite to tell you the names of the people who do this shit) got drunk and lost and walked into the wrong shower to sober up (thinking he was in his house). The owner of the house, a 35-year-old babe (because any lady under 45 in Australia is hot by law), called the cops when she heard a stranger passing the water in her shower. The police arrested the dude and everyone felt silly and laughed it off like the sitcom that is life in the Outback.
Bar None's Artist Hallucination of the Event
(Dedicated to Rodney at Fernby Films, who brought this to my attention, and who may wet himself sometime in the near future.)
Celebrity Dregs
Oct 11: Russell Brand Sniffs Alcohol
Here’s one more thing to add to the mountain of things i don’t know. Russell Brand is on the wagon and that makes me admire him all the more. Course i don’t really know all that much about him anyway ‘cept he did a kick-ass job as the Rock Star in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, he’s got a killer sense of humor and a patter that won’t quit. Seems the brother had addiction problems (booze included else i wouldn’t be babbling on about him here) so he went dry and still stayed cool and even married Katy Perry, which is cool if you’re into her and apparently he is on a regular basis and that’s gotta be all good except when her breasts get in the way but you know me and don’t even get me started on how small boobs are way better. Here’s a picture of Russel Brand ’cause this is all about him.
Look closely, he's on her fingernails.
Oh yeah, i almost forgot why i was talking about him here. So he’s on the wagon but he’s remaking the movie Arthur which is about a rich playboy who drinks all the time and is in rabid lust with whoever the new Bo Derek is and don’t ask me to go looking that crap up because i just spent the better part of the evening doing Katy Perry and gotta spend at least some of these wee early morning hours writing. To get into character, Brand has chosen to sniff the booze because he doesn’t want to drink it and crash his wagon. Hats off, Russell and i’m sure the movie will be better for the effort and, more importantly, so will your life, brother. Speaking of, did i mention he’s married to Katy Perry?
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There’s more single shots of her hanging out in my drawers down there.
Also, to kind of justify all this Katy Perry attention, guess what i found out during all the photo research i subjected myself to. Katy Perry drunk dialed everyone’s favorite teen kitten Taylor Swift (which i don’t think is fair because every time i pull that shit the cops have to get involved and the words “TRO” and “restraining order” are bandied about) last year. Seems the girls are friends (and this is where you start wishing Taylor had starred in Perry’s video for “I Kissed A Girl”) and so Katy was buzzed and called Tay at 3am hoping to leave a joke message but Taylor answered the phone when she heard it was Katy. When she clued in, Taylor apologized for ruining the joke and hung up so Katy could call back and leave the joke message. This is what the stars are doing when you and i are drunk and passed out on the bar stool, so’s ya know.
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Speaking of stars who don’t drink dial me, there’s the case of Jessica Biel. She recently confessed in an interview that she likes to get hopped up on tequila or scotch (we got us one discerning babe here, peeps) and then drunk dial people. Does she get all messed up and twisted and start talking about how she wants to ride the white, black, roan or dappled pony? Not even. She just says “I love you guys” or “I’m calling to say ‘hey’.” My favorite part of the article was when she described what kind of drunk she was.
“I’m a very fun, giggly drunk,” she said. “I don’t get mean and I’m not one of those people you get worried about. I just get very dancey and silly and fun.
Sounds exactly like me. Up to the point i get belligerent and assholey. Once i get drunknoxious, you should worry about more than me and Jesica Biel. Here’s what she looks like right before she picks up the phone.
No collage here as i’m gonna be exposéing her ass and other assorted body parts very shortly when i review The Social Network. None of this, however, prevents me from posting solo shots of her in my drawers.
Bar None Dregs
Nov 4: A Dreg Rises Above It All
If you got some time, you should check out my Dregs of the Week from a year ago, Oct 12-18, 2009. A woman i wrote about stopped in to visit and to leave a comment. To which i decided to leave a novel. (Did you get you’re supposed to read the Comments Section, yo’s?) Hopefully, the story’s not over yet.
Nov 4: Previews of Coming Distractions
My brother from another mother, In The Same Boat, has graced me with a post detailing some fascinating points about drinking and not drinking. i should be posting this Manifestive over the weekend so stay tuned and be sure to comment and let him know what you think.
Nov 4: Thanks Wayne
i don’t mean to grovel but i do. A big hats off and bottoms up to Wayne Buchanan, who brought us the dregs again this week. His perseverance, dedication and un-canny ability to uncover the coolest of the dregs is truly perspiring. If you get a chance, pop over to his Facebook page to thank him. Or you could do it right here in the comments. Whatever works for you.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Katy Perry (26)
Katy in the Bar None
Katy Perry Kissing a Girl in the Bar None
Jessica Biel (28)
Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.
The Bar None -- High & Dry 