My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
A little update on my personal sitch before we get to the goodies and if you don’t give a shit about the personal sitch i’d just skip right ahead to the goodies if i was you. Really, i understand, no big deal. If you remember, my latest rule to control the drinking was to drink only outside the house, which means mostly business lunches, Open Bar Friday at the office and any art gallery events. Well, so far so good. The Fridays can be a bit of a challenge sometimes but i’ve stuck to my guns most of the time and haven’t gotten totally shit faced since i started the rule. Which explains why i haven’t been talking too much about my drinking lately. Nothing is more boring than a drinker who has his drinking under control for the moment, and i get that. Sorry babes. Hopefully i’ll fall off the wagon spectacularly really soon so i can provide you with some well deserved entertainment.
So to shake things up a little bit, here’s a Top 10 Lips for y’all. And by the way, if any mentioned celebrities are reading this, if you contact me in the comments below and pay for my drinks and any transportation required: i’m not kidding, i would love to party with you. Hell, Jim Morrison needed professional drinkers to hang with and watch out for him, you could do the same for me.
Plus, here’s a bonus round, Lily Allen singing an post-appropriate song from the juiced-box: Friday Night.
Anyways, my fellow alcoholics, i proudly present to you the
You know how you get drunk with a college art school major? He paints makeup on, carefully sculpts his hair to look careless and poses himself in the chair wrong just so he can be a poser and different because he’s all about doing whatever he does weirdly, not realizing that doing everything opposite of the norm is the long spelling of “conformist”. So he drinks some imported shit he doesn’t even really like and looks so gay he probably isn’t but he’s not a total waste of negative space because in the foam at the bottom of his empty bottle of sincerity is a sincere desire to find himself. Plus he’s never boring and he always brings around these cute art major babes who never wear bras and are constantly showing you skin and not even caring when you look. That’s what Kaboom is like.
The whole look of this movie felt like a cheap suit worn by an artsy kid who can make fun of himself and sometimes wants to camp it up. Kaboom works best when it’s threading this needle, trying to look like a porn remake of Donnie Darko, because the whole mystery aspect of the film, while the most cohesive thing here, is dealt with pretty shabbily. Kind of like a little kid in a talent show who’s more about “Look at me, look at me” than “Look what I know how to do”.
This film started out bad and i was really worried it was going to be some college movie where they try to capture the spirit of a period or some crap and play tunes that must be cool because they’re so obscure no one’s ever heard of them while they swap one liners like hot spit that’s too contrived to be authentic. That’s what i was afraid of because that’s how Kaboom started out but thank god it got away from that after the one party with the lesbian witch where the red headed twin mystery started because the men in animal masks stabbed her in the eye or not because Smith was on drugs.
My biggest beef with Kaboom was the ending. The movie on the whole was pretty entertaining but like a dorm kid with a bottle of mezcal, Gregg Araki was OK at the beginning and in the middle but didn’t know what to do at the end. Imagine you have a low-budget “X-Files on acid” episode where Scully and Mulder solve everything in two minutes after the last commercial break when they’re beginning to roll the credits and you’ll appreciate what they got going on here.
Yeah, Kaboom was really out there, too far out there probably but at least it was somewhere, you know? Which is a lot farther than most movies want to go nowadays.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack, this is Engineers – Clean Coloured Wire
[Press ‘Play’ to hear what passes for music now]
Sex: 4 Shots
i’m saying. Nobody was more surprised than i was, except for maybe Miss Demeanor, when the girls started taking off their clothes all over the place. It was like, “OK, even if this movie is gonna be pretty mediocre at least i get to look at pretty girls in their next to nothings for an hour and a half.” So i did.
Beginning with Juno Temple (21), who portrays “London”, an English student who hooks up with tri-sexual Smith [Thomas Dekker]. We get to see a lot of Juno in this film—and often (way more than we did in Mr Nobody, where i already exposed her). We get to see her peeing at the party when she’s introduced and things go up from there, quite literally, because she’s in 2 or 3 sex scenes where she’s not afraid to reveal her sensitive sides (both of them). We also get to see an array of small tats freckling her lovely torso, though the tats are kind of confusing and if it’s for the movie i guess they make some kind of arty statement but if they’re really hers then they say something completely different (like “I thought these would wash off like the ones I got from the gumball machine when I was 12”). Anyway and for once, here’s less of Juno than you’ll see in the movie.
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There’s Juno shots rolling around in my drawers down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit them.
My big discovery in this movie was Haley Bennett (22) who i’d never seen before and feel bad enough about that as it is so give me a break already. She plays Smith’s lesbian best friend, Stella. One of the sexy things about Stella is she swears a lot and y’all know how i like a girl who knows how to let a good “fuck” roll off her tongue now and again. The cool thing about Stella being a lesbian is we get to see her do lesbian stuff with Lorelei (Roxane Mesquida), a hot brunette i’m gonna talk about in a second, keep your pants on. Or not, make yourself at home. Like there’s some nice kissing in a student cafeteria that really worked for me. Here’s something else that works for me.
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i got some more Haley single shots lined up in my drawers, too.
Which brings us to Roxane Mesquida as Lorelei, who is a lesbian witch able to get Stella (Haley Bennett) off with her special powers and we get to see it. What we don’t get to see, however, are Stella’s boobs because Lorelei titty blocks her during their sex scene. Here’s a better view of Roxane Mesquida.
The talented young Nicole LaLiberte is so talented she plays twins. Not ‘the twins’, just normal twins. Good thing she’s got enough skill for two. Here’s what i mean.
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Open my drawers of you want more shots of her including ones with her lovely freckles…mmmmm, freckles.
Finally, in the coveted role of “Drug Fairy Nymph”, i give you the stunning Brandy Futch.
For those of you more into wicks than bombshells, you’re really in luck ’cause there were tons of guys in this thing. While collecting their pics is about as interesting as talking about hot guys in a bar, i’m all about the equality so i’ll run through these as fast as possible.
Thomas Dekker (22) plays Smith, the lead character who is half bi or something. Anyway, he fantasizes about his roomate, gets banged in the back of a van by some huge black guy and gets caught beating offto gay porn by Stella. Plus he gets to sleep with London [Juno Temple, ‘member?] a lot. Here’s what he looks like.
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By the way, i almost forgot that i already talked about Thomas Dekker once, in the Dregs of the Week from October of last year when he was drunk driving and mowed some kid on a bike over.
Chris Zylka
My favorite guy character was Thor, and Chris Zylka (25) does an excellent job with this part. Thor is a blonde surfer dude who lays on his bed doing excercises so he can suck himself off (see photo) and asks Smith if he’s ever tasted his own sperm, not on purpose but sometimes a little gets in your mouth on accident and he confesses his jizz has a coconut twang. Anyway, there’s a lot of topless hunky shots of Thor, as well as a sex scene between him and this cute girl with overly large boobs (a gross error?) at the very beginning and i looked for the girl in the credits for the silken butterfly section but she’s not listed anywhere. Finishing off Chris, i should also mention we get to see him gay curious in a fantasy to which Smith is making like beef and stroggin-off until the real Thor enters the dorm room and shatters the illusion by banging that girl i just talked about in the last sentence. So here’s Chris…
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Speaking of gay, Brennan Mejia (19), makes an appearance as Oliver, a twink interested in Smith’s twinkie.
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Finally, even gayer is Jason Olive (38) as Hunter, the guy that bones Smith in the back of his van on the beach after the guys just meet, leading Stella to later confirm that Smith is a slut. Here’s what made him that way.
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Drink: 2½ Shots
So there was the expected number of drink references considering this thing is set at a university, but there was also the added bonus that both Smith [Dekker] and London [Temple] had an alcoholic father that cut out on them when they were younger. So drink played enough of a role in the party for me to increase the strength by half a shot. There was some other drink crap here too, though, like:
[Thor] enters drunk and drops beer bottle
Drunk red head [Nicole LaLiberte] pukes on Smith’s shoes
Slurred Speeches
The fact you randomly stick your dick in some girl doesn’t mean you’re not gay, it just means you have to monitor your drinking.
Rock & Roll: 1 Shot
Yeah, yeah, there are those of you out there who’re gonna say my taste in rock is too limited but for me, the closest they came to rock was Placebo during the end credits. Here is, from the juiced-box and the soundtrack, Placebo – The Bitter End.
This is the complete 4-1-1 on the tuneage:
Explosions in the Sky – Catastrophe and the Cure
The Big Pink – Crystal Visions
Ladytron – Weekend
A Place to Bury Strangers – To Fix the Gash in Your Head
Friendly Fires – Paris
Metro Area – Caught Up
The Horrors – Mirror’s Image
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Soft Shock
The Pains of Being Pure at Heart – This love is Fucking Right!
The Depreciation Guild – Dream About Me
Deluka – Cascade
Engineers – Clean Coloured Wire
Interpol – Song Seven
Placebo – The Bitter End
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Gregg Araki
Directed by: Gregg Araki
Starring
Haley Bennett – Stella
Juno Temple – London
Roxane Mesquida – Lorelei
Nicole LaLiberte – Red-Haired Girl
Brandy Futch – Drug Fairy Nymph
Thomas Dekker – Smith
Chris Zylka – Thor
Brennan Mejia – Oliver
Jason Olive – Hunter
Bottom Line
If you get the chance to see it, you’d probably enjoy it if you were high or on X or something. i can’t recommend seeing it drunk or sober, though.
Bring out your dregs. Bring out your dregs, to misquote Monty Python and The Holy Grail. ‘Cause i got two weeks of dregs overflowing thanks to some awesome participation from the regulars here in the bar. Like we got political tequila, Palestinian Oktoberfest, one big apse Church, and
From the juiced-box and the #1 country album of the week: Kenny Chesney – Hemingway’s Whiskey
How many times have you been wandering around Palestine and wanted to get your drink on but you can’t because that’s one dry ass desert. Guess what, next time you decide to hang out in the Middle East and wander around the heart of Muslim country, make sure you stop by Taybeh. This rocking town of 2000 souls did what any other Christian outpost in the middle of Mohammed-land would do: open a brewery. From there, the next logical step is to…? Anyone? Anyone? Celebrate Oktoberfest. Maybe not as big or sexy as the one in Munich but i bet it’s a lot easier to get a hotel room and a drink.
Don’t you hate it when you’re taking a leisurely drive in the park, careening off posts and tearing up the botanical gardens when the public comes along and takes your keys!? And you were even staying on the footpath and everything for chrissakes, which in itself is a kind of miracle considering this 50-year-old woman had a BAC of 0.19%.
Here’s the problem with citizens’ arrests. William Valdiviez was passed out all safe and sound in his Chevy Avalanche (?—there’s really a car called an “Avalanche”? Does this name really install confidence?) with the engine running and reverse lights on. So this loser approaches the vehicle and knocks on the window, so Save Willy takes off. And crashes into 2 parked cars. So the police come and here’s a new strategy for the next time the cops catch you drunk driving. Refuse every test they try to throw at you and continue to insist that the arresting officer is the one who’s drunk. Still, if the “concerned citizen” had let the guy sleep it off…
So maybe you don’t feel comfortable telling the cop you’re not the one who’s drunk, he is. i can understand that. Try this…next time you decide to wear your favorite drinking shirt—you know the one i mean, the one that says “I Have A Drinking Problem” on it—and get so drunk that you crash into a neighbor’s house, do me a favor and do exactly what James Johnson (50) did ’cause i sure could use the laugh. When the cops ask “Have you been drinking?” as you stagger around the yard of the people’s whose house you smashed into tell them, “My brother has been drinking.” i fucking love this excuse and i don’t even have a brother. Next time i’m in the shit and someone says, “Did you steal that bottle of Jack and rape that farm animal in the heavy petting zoo in front of all those third graders on a field trip?” my retaliation will be, “No, my brother stole the whiskey and screwed the goat in front of all those kids.” After that, it’s almost anti-climatic to say that Johnson blamed the accident on the dogs running around in the back of his truck, which didn’t even exist. Like my brother.
This guy called Troy Kaczor (40 years young) lives in this place called Wausau in a state called Wisconsin. He got super drunk and saw a one-legged goose that he decided be wanted to have over for dinner. Literally. So took off his shirt and chased the goose into the Wisconsin river, where the cold water incapacitated him so the firemen had to come and save his ass so the police could arrest him on an outstanding warrant. Anyway, all this is good enough for me to post a picture of hotties drinking grey goose.
You see that collage up there at the top of the Dregs this week? You know who else wants those hotties other than us? Republicans. Cali republicans. Republicans want some of that action so bad they’re drinking tequila shots wherever they go to impress the Eses. The sick shit behind this is that it’s two re-pubican women doing this nasty. The theory is that they think only drunk Hispanics would vote for their ugly asses so they’re taking the first shot to show the rest of the state how it’s done. When you see their pictures, their theory doesn’t look so stupid.
In case you don't know who Charlotte "One Big Ass" Church is--Click for wallpaper
[Press ‘Play’ for something that’d probably make me cry if i’d been drinking more.]
There’s this English opera singer who’s name is Charlotte “One Big Ass” Church and she’s 24 and has been singing since she was born. Apparently she’s not all that special though because she gets drunk and sings karaoke badly just like you do. This is apparently news because she said it to a journalist and you didn’t because if you said it to a journalist then it’d be news, too. Here’s what she looks like when she’s drunk.
Charlotte Chruch in the Bar None -- Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
There’ll be more of that big apse down in my drawers.
So this woman who has the weirdest job ever, professional cleavage, got into a bar fight in some New York City dinner club. Seems she was just there hanging out, like literally, and some guy comes up to her and wants to have a picture taken with her, to which she graciously replies, “Sure, whatever.” So then the guy’s GF (Goofy Freak) throws her drink on the professional cleavage which looked like a river of liquor flowing through a valley between two fake mountains.
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Check out my drawers for professional cleavage shots.
Bar None Dregs
Oct 23: World Record
Just to let y’all know yesterday was a red letter day here in the Bar None. If it seemed a little crowded in here, it’s because we served over 4,000 people, most of whom came in here (and i had to clean it up) to hang out with Featherston. Everyone’s welcome, even the one-handed stragglers indulged in normal activity.
This affluence of patronizers pushed me up and over the 500,000 mark. Yes, thanks to all of you, especially you because you’re actually reading this shit, more than half a million people have found their way in here. Gold bless you and all who sail on you, my brothers and especially the chicks who aren’t my sisters.
Oct 24: Wayne Buchanan Shout Out
Special thanks to Wayne Buchanan who sent me far more links than i could ever get to this week. i asked him for some help and he helped me all over the place. Unfortunately, i got so much life goin’ on i wasn’t able to get to all the stories he collected (and there’s still another set i haven’t even looked at) and so i don’t get too much of a backlog i’m gonna hafta cut my losses and post what i got right here and screw the rest. Hey, if any y’all got more time than me, let me know and i’ll set it up so you can help out with the dregs. Yes, it has gotten that busy.
Anyway, thanks Ken, my Brother, for the help and i’ll get started digesting the next batch tomorrow.
Due to recent increase in Pair-a-normals Activity centered around Molly Ephraim (and in honor of my seeing #3 tonight), i’ve included some screen shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom.
Check out the date this was originally posted… That’s right, babes, here in Yeamen we got Paranormal Activity 2 a full two days before the Americans. Don’t believe me? Here’s a shot i took with my cell phone for proof. Once again, Al K Hall is here with a scoop for you patrons of the Bar None.
Ramblings: A Better Pair-a-Normals
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you went camping that one time and the one drunk guy told that one ghost story? Well, you know how you decided to go drunk camping again? This time you’re better prepared and the fire is brighter and the steaks are bigger and the whiskey is smoother so you cook the fish you and your buds caught yourselves and you polish off the cooler full of brews you brought along and now, before bed, you sit in front of the fire sipping some fine whiskey and smoking cigars and all of a sudden one of the guys starts off telling a ghost story again. You’re not nearly drunk enough and last time you went through this you got kinda bored and so you’re not sure you feel like going through it again but what the fuck, you’re camping in the middle of nowhere and there’s no TV and nothing on anyway so you might as well listen. And as soon as the guy starts talking you can tell immediately you’re going to like it better than last time because his voice is smooth and the story is more like a real story and the suspense is as palpable as the lump in your throat that you don’t know if it’s a beer belch or barf. When it’s over, you’re not super scared but when you crawl back into your tent you feel like the night wasn’t a total waste and maybe you keep the flashlight on a minute or two longer than you normally would of. That’s what Paranormal Activity 2 was like.
Every movie has that one sentence people always say about it. Like for Sixth Sense everyone went around saying how they knew the surprise ending from the beginning and for Nineeveryone went around saying it sucked ass. Here’s what everyone’s gonna say about PA2, and i’ll give y’all this one free; you can go around saying it before anyone else in your little group, just remember you heard it in the Bar None first: “Yeah, I thought it was better than the first one.” OK, it’s not earth shattering but it’s not my fault if people aren’t gonna find smarter stuff to say about it. Here, shut up and look at another picture.
Anyway, it’s true, Paranormal Activity 2 really is better than the first one. There’s more of a story, the pacing is better, the ghost story suspense is more present. There were also some nice touches, like the first screen saying “Paramount Pictures would like to thank the families of the deceased and the Carlsbad Police.”
‘Course there were some holes as well, especially some WTF moments when crazy shit goes down and the family still decides to hang in the house regardless and the fact that everything is being recorded on CCTV video cameras in the house and the family never decides to watch the hard drive images (OK, they do it twice because the teenage daughter insists) and get the fuck out of Dodge.
Still, the suspense was there, the acting was solid and the story meshed well with PA1 because, and there are no real spoilers here, it’s a prequel. It tells the story of what happens to Katie’s sister before the demon goes to Katie’s house.
i don’t know…maybe i liked this one more than the first because my expectations were low with PA2 and there was a lot less hype about it, but alls i can say is that if you liked the first one even a little, then you should give this one a shot.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
There were only three actresses in this movie and you won’t believe how long it took to find the name of any actress other than Katie Featherston. i kid you not. Check out the “Full Credits and Cast” page on IMDB. Things may have changed by the time you click on it, but as i write this tonight they only have one name, Katie Featherston, and she wasn’t even in this film all that much. That’s how secret the cast is.
Here’s a picture of the main actress in the tub (they did one of those soap suds titty-blocking scenes).
i was able to find out on some New Zealand website that the main actress’s name is Sprague Grayden (30). That’s a freakin’ name right there. “Sprague” is the kinda name it’s fun to use in some eastern European bar where the walls are made of stone and the floors are dirty and you and Sprague are the only ones who speaks English. Not only does she have a cool name, not only is she a great actress, but she also looks like this while doing all that.
i got more Sprague shots down in my drawers. Keep scrolling down til you hit my jackpot.
Of course, Katie Featherston (28) was in this as well, just not as much as Sprague. Still, she deserves to be represented here anyway, right? Miss D was looking at some shots of Katie as i was putting together this post and we both agreed that Katie has an abundant Pair-a-normals, and in the movie we even get some low-cut blouse action of both Katie and sister Sprague.
i got a couple drawer shots of her as well.
In addition to the low cut blouse shots, there were also a couple scenes filmed in the pool which means… hallelujah and praise god, Katie and Sprague in bikinis. Also in a bikini is our delicious silken butterfly…
Due to the incredible lack of information out there about the cast at the moment, i have no way of knowing the name of the actress who plays “Ali” in the movie. Ali is the teenage stepdaughter and i’m guessing the actress who plays her is over 18. If she’s 18 or over, she’s a very talented and sexy actress. If she’s 17 or under, then she’s a talented and charming young actress. If i find out that she’s under age, of course i’ll card her and move her back up top so she can be a vestibule virgin where she belongs. Here then is the pro’lly over 18 mystery actress from shots i took off the screen with my cell phone.
UPDATE: 2010/10/22 – As the movie was released in the States and some of those Americans waited around to read the credits, i finally have a name for this lovely young starlette. Her name is Molly Ephraim and she doesn’t list her age, though i was able to determine she was in Princeton in 2008, which means i’m officially deciding she’s old enough to enter the Bar None here. So, here then is a collage which is nowhere near as hot as she was in a bikini in the pool. There’ll also be some shoots of her in my drawers.
And before i forget, she’s a fantastic actress. She really does a great job as the daughter and is able to come across as much younger than she actually is.
Drink:0 Shots
The husband-dad had a beer (Bud in a bottle, i suspect) while making dinner and then, when there was a date night, the daughter told the parents not to get too drunk.
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
No music, a lack which actually helps the ambiance. i’ll give this puppy 2½ shots for the rock and roll ambiance of the movie, though.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Michael R. Perry (screenplay), Oren Peli (Characters)
Directed by: Tod Williams
Starring
Sprague Grayden – Kristi
Katie Featherston – Katie
Molly Ephraim – Ali
Bottom Line
i don’t know if it’d be more fun to see this at home on the sofa in the dark or on the big screen with everyone around you shitting their pants, but one thing is sure, you’ll have fun whichever you chose.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Sprague Grayden (30)
Sprague Grayden in the Bar None
Katie Featherston (28)
To be honest, i’m not 100% convinced that this last pic is of Katie Featherston, but it was presented on the Net as her and would the Net lie? Besides, i operate on a Don’t Know, Don’t Care policy.
[Press ‘Play’ to put on your red shoes and dance the blues]
Ramblings: I’m In
Final Proof: 4 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a little girl on her 21st birthday? You promise yourself you won’t get drunk and fall in love and do whatever she asks and at the outset she tells you you’re not at all her type so you relax for an evening of drinking with a hot 21-year-old and there are no strings attached or wrapped around her finger, yet. Unfortunately for you she’s kind of dark and creepy because she senses that’s what you like best about her and the mystery is part of her charm because she knows exactly what it takes to bewitch you and she knows where your jugular beats so she enchants you by playing your game, drinking your drinks, saying what she knows you want her to say and the night ages far faster than she does as she sinks into your eyes, deeper with every drink and she lets slip a secret with each sip and each confession is more sinister than the last. She keeps feeding you more and more lines until you’re hooked long before you realize she was playing you but by then it’s too late because she’s caught you like the sucker fish you are and you wind up buying all her drinks, giving her your last cigarette and promising to help her hide a body. The last thing that you learn that night is young girls are vampires that charm you til you’re blind and then they suck you dry. Abby in Let Me In is exactly like that little girl.
i might as well be all up front with y’all and let you know i hesitated pouring a full 4th shot for this ’cause i was tempted to stop at 3½, but what can i say, i’m a tender bartender who’s a little buzzed and there’s a reason people like a drunk barkeep. Plus i’m a big fan of Chloë Grace Moretz who i tagged at the very beginning as someone to watch and she kicked so much ass in Kick Ass that i can afford to cut her a little slack on this one. Besides, i really did enjoy this movie a lot, so it’s not like i’m cheating or anything by rounding up.
One of the main problems i had with this was the beginning. It starts off with a flash forward—and if you haven’t heard me rant about what a poor excuse for story telling that is then you don’t want me to start now because i can go on all night about that shit—but even worse than the flash forward is that it’s an arty flash forward. There’s all kinds of closeups on obscure objects and fuzzy shots of you don’t know the hell what and weird angles and everything so you spend a couple minutes trying to remember if you’re drunk or hungover or what. Then you realize the film was a remake of a Swish (and i am the only one who knows Swiss and Swedish are the same?) movie and based on a Swish book so it’s pro’lly the director getting all foreign on your ass but hell, the people are speaking English so Matt Reeves shoulda made the movie American style.
Not that he screwed everything up and far from it or i wouldn’t have given Let Me In 4 shots. There’s something that distinguishes this particular vampire movie from the rest of the coven of vampire movies flying across the screens. Like the look and feel of Let Me In rocks, because believe you me there’s so much atmosphere in this film you can feel it and it feels authentic. It goes deeper than just your average horror film and concentrates more on that creepy, dark ambiance which really comes across like a puddle of absinthe spilling off the bar and onto your lap. You ever see Ang Lee’s The Ice Storm? There’s a lot more similarity between Let Me In and that movie than any Twi-Harder movie you can come up with.
One of the things that reminded me of a good movie like The Ice Storm was that Let Me In was set in the 80s. God knows why they chose the 80s when they coulda chosen a good decade but there you go. How do you make a movie look authentic? With the music of course. i’ll give you the blow by blow down below in the Rock and Roll section but let me just say two words to you: Culture Club. i know. Then there was some other 80s stuff i’m not smart enough to pay attention to so it’s a good thing i’m engaged to a woman as intellectual as Miss Demeanor who pointed out the haricuts weren’t very 80s because guys back then had hair parted in the middle and feathered and the guys in this movie had Bieber cuts. Still, there were some nice details like Rubik’s Cube, Ms PacMan being just released and the Now & Later candies that i remember so well i can almost taste them. More than that, though, was the overall look of the film felt like 25 years ago. The colors weren’t as bright back then, things weren’t as sharp as they are now and that’s the way they looked here. It was like Reeves made this movie on film he found from that time.
Before we move on, i’d love to get all rebel on your ass and separate myself from the rest of the reviewers by staking my own claim but i’m afraid i gotta tread on the same ground others have already done before me and no doubt tons better. What i’m babbling about is i gotta give a deep bow to the two main actors here who are just crazy talented for any freaking age. Kodi Smit-McPhee (Owen in the movie) is more talented at 14 than most of the actors at 40. And Chloë Grace Moretz…what else can i say about Chloë Grace that i haven’t already? Chloë Grace Moretz is the Meryl Streep of 13-year-olds. Speaking of how old they both aren’t, i gotta card their little butts here. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None, yo.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
[Press ‘Play’ for what we had to use for rock in the 80s: Blue Öyster Cult – Burnin’ For You]
Sex: 2 Shots
OK, so there wasn’t a whole lot of sex going on here but at least there was a little flash of boob (and what a beautiful breast it was) and i’m so tired of seeing your freaking American movies with costumes that look like they were designed by the Amish.
An exception to this rule is the only woman we really get to see in the flesh, Owen’s neighbor Virginia (played lovely-ly by the charming Sasha Barrese – 29). We get to see her and her significant other sitting on the sofa, her in her robe and her friend slides his hand inside and her breast slips out through the slit.
Here’s the face attached to that lovely vision.
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There’s a couple shots more of Sasha rattling around in my drawers down below.
You know who else gets to see the boob? Little Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee) because he’s quite the voyeur. There’s a kind of Rear Window vibe going on in Let Me In as far as Owen is concerned.
Today’s Silken Butterfly is the amazing Cara Buono (39) who did a great job as Owen’s Mother. It was a hard role for her because Matt Reeves (who’s still the director i was talking about up there somewhere) decided to make Owen seem more alone / independent /cut-off by never showing his mother’s face. It’s all that much harder for us, the viewers, when you consider this is what we’re missing out on.
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There’s more single shot of her in my drawers as well. Just keep strolling down til you find them.
Drink: 2 Shots
You wanna know why i’m being so nice giving Let Me In a couple shots when there wasn’t all that much drinking here? i hope so because i’m gonna tell you anyway. The reason is that the only drinking we get here is Owen’s mom, but she’s drinking in every shot we see her in. Like the first time we see her is at dinner and she’s pouring a glass and then, later in the movie she’s drinking it more and more and then in the last scene she’s in, she’s passed out on the sofa and there’s an empty glass on the table. Nicely done and as the booze plays a big part in defining her character, i’mma give the drink two solid shots.
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
This was another tricky call that was made all that much easier by the fact that the previous sections had 2 shots so it was easier for me to upload the image. The thing that was hard to peg here as far as the rock went was that the movie was set in the 80s, which was after rock had died and before punk resurrected it. So we had the Bowie, which i like, as well as the BOC and even a little Greg Kihn Band that i’ll serve up right here for you on the juice-box.
The Greg Kihn Band – The Break Up Song
Here’s the other songs they subjected us to:
David Bowie – Let’s Dance
The Vapors – Turning Japanese
Culture Club – Do You Really Want To Hurt Me
Culture Club – Time (Clock Of The Heart)
Blue Öyster Cult – Burnin’ For You
Freur – Doot Doot
Greg Kihn Band – Breakup Song
Not only was the music not really rock, the horror wasn’t either. Not that this is a bad thing. You don’t need a lot of scare you jumping crap or gross Saw shit to make a movie scary. Let Me In did just fine with the dark and creepy ambiance. Which isn’t rock, though.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
John Ajvide Lindqvist – Novel & Screenplay Låt den rätte komma in
Matt Reeves – Screenplay
Directed by:
Matt Reeves
Starring
Chloë Grace Moretz – Abby
Kodi Smit-McPhee – Owen
Cara Buono – Owen’s Mother
Sasha Barrese – Virginia
Richard Jenkins – The Father
Bottom Line
You’ll probably get a big enough kick from this off DVD as you would in the theater just so long as you don’t let yourself get distracted at home. Still, you should try to see this one either way. Moody horror, gotta love it.
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You know how you get drunk with a factory worker? He spends his entire day cranking out the exact same product and some days the piece may look better than others but, c’mon, it’s just another replica of the same damn thing he does all the time and after work he’s tired and getting closer to retirement and comes into the bar in his blue collar work blues and drinks a lot but he always pounds “the usual” while he recounts the exact same stories he’s been telling since he was a little cog. Five minutes into your bender with this guy and he’s already laborious and you’re just waiting to get buzzed enough to flirt with the hot girl at the next table. That’s what Woody Allen and You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger is like.
Woody Allen makes a movie a year and it’s become so routine for him that he can do it automatically and he’s just stopped trying. Sure, every once in a while he coughs up something worthwhile like The Purple Rose of Cairo or Vicky Christina Barcelona but how many of you remember Anything Else or Hollywood Ending?
You wanna know what i didn’t like about this movie? ‘Cause if you do, i’ll go there. The narrator. i fucking hated the narrator who we never figure out who it is and we don’t give a shit anyway we just wonder why we have to have this voice of god in the background telling us what we’re seeing on the screen. It musta been that patented Woody Allen wit which i’m guessing is totally ironic because this here is a comedy with absolutely no jokes whatsoever. The other thing floating in this crap like a fly in 3% beer were the people around me. Yeamen and Yeawomen are known the world over for their love and adoration of the Woody because they fashion themselves intellectuals so during the whole damn film you get to hear their annoying intellectual chuckling at whatever parts they think they’re smart enough to recognize as funny.
You want me to talk a little about the actors? Because i ‘m not afraid to do them, either. Naomi Watts does an OK job as Sally, a young lady who is, because this is a Woody Allen movie, unhappy in her marriage and flirting with the idea of having an affair. Josh Brolin, who plays her tool husband Roy, plods along like that worker i mentioned in the intro, but he really has problems when it comes to scenes that require more than boredom. Fortunately for him (but not for us), that doesn’t happen a lot in YWMATDS. The real oil in this machine was Lucy Punch, who appears as Alfie’s (Anthony Hopkins—brilliant enough, as usual, to make us forget he’s famous) slutty new girlfriend. She fills out the role superbly and is very good at acting very bad.
Miss D pointed out that Woody Allen sucks in many cities but does all right with New York movies. Too bad it’s become too expensive for him to film there so he makes New York movies everywhere else, like London in this case, but that comes off as well as eating Mcfish and chips the rain when you forget your brolly. Someone needs to tell him to stop off-shoring his process—or to stop making movies. Or to stop me seeing his shoddy art and craps.
When i catch up to Woody in hell, and let there be no mistake, we will meet in hell, i’m gonna ask him back for this 1 hour and a half he stole from my life.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 Shots
Woody Allen always gets hot girls in his movies because they want to pad their resumés and they’re still naïve enough to think what plops out of Woody’s assembly line is art. The only problem is, he never takes advantage of their naïveté to strip them down, the bastard.
First up in my notes is Naomi Watts (making 42 look like an age to shoot for), who plays Sally like i already talked about up there. She has the coolest accent. i just love the English accent because it sounds so musical, but i can’t give her acting cred for the accent because she comes from England and that’s how they talk there. Still, she does a mean American accent and if i ever see her in another American film i’ll be sure to fix her up with some mad props. She also looks incredibly good in tight pants and she did the window all kinds of favors when Roy (Josh Brolin) looked across the courtyard and caught her undressing down to her underwear. i don’t got any of that for you, but i did walk away with some of this.
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There’s a lot more of her hanging out down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling all the way down to get there.
Like i already mentioned, too, we got Lucy “Packs-Quite-A” Punch (33) and i’d like to show her what i’m packin’. She looks great playing the slutty trophy wife and as soon as she enters the movie she’s in a super short skirt (emphasis on “super”) with a very cleavagey (i didn’t know the word existed either but it was in my notes, so there you go) dress.
We get the Punch full in the face too because there’s an almost upskirt of her as she bends over to slide into her stripper boots and then there’s an almost crotch shot up her shorts when she’s in the gym, not to mention the part when she’s in a silk nightie. Screw it, if a picture’s worth 1000 words, here’s a mouthful.
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There’s a couple more shots of her in the drawers as well.
The other main hottie in this movie was Freida Pinto (26), who you may remember from Slumdog Millionaire and if you don’t it’s OK ’cause i remember enough for the both of us. The first thing i put in the notes was, “Brunettes playing classical guitar in are hot.” It went kinda like this:
What we also got was a shot of her undressing to her underwear (sports car red) from a distance across a courtyard. Hell, it’s better than nothing but not better than this.
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Of course there’s more Freida lays in my drawers.
And when i say Freida was the other main hottie, i’m not saying Anna Friel isn’t. Don’t get me wrong Anna Friel is a major hottie as she showed time and time again in the TV series Pushing Daisies, just Woody didn’t give her enough screen time to make her a main hottie in this film. To make up for Woody’s lack of taste, here’s me giving the delectable Anna Friel some screen time.
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i’m not even gonna talk about my drawers anymore ’cause i’m gonna sound like a perv, but if you look down in there, you’ll see Anna shots waiting for you.
The first silken butterfly to flit across the screen was Kelly Harrison, a very fit 30-year-old from South Yorkshire who plays a “Personal Trainer”.
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Next on my list is a shout out to a talented young actress i’ve already shouted out before. i already hung some pictures of Eleanor Gecks in here when she appeared in Alice in Wonderlandand now she’s in YWMATDS as Rollerblading Friend so this time i sent her a message through her agent but she never got back to me so i’m guessing she’s one of those women who’s already too famous to talk to me so when i’m richer and famouser i’ll be all rude to her and ignore her more than she ignored me just so i can pay her back. Yeah. While i’m waiting for that to never happen, i’ll have to make do with this.
The final butterfly brightening up this dreary film is the very lovely Natalie Walter (31), who flitted across the screen as Alan’s Sister. Even more impressive than her beauty was her talent as she had the chance to say a few lines and did a hell of a lot better acting angry than Josh Brolin did. i’ve sent her a request for an interview so keep whatever you got crossed that she’ll deign to speak with the dregs like me.
For those of you more into Tall Dark and Strange than Petite Sweet and Pretty here’s some Antonio Banderas (50).
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And here’s some Josh Brolin (42), looking better than he can act.
Drink: 2½ Shots
Yeah, i was pretty surprised about this myself. i gotta give the Wood credit where it’s due though because pretty much every scene in the movie had alcohol in it and drinking of some kind. It was even big enough to be a minor theme which is why i gave it a minor note. If he’d a made the booze a major character i’d of boosted this up a little.
The medium [Pauline Collins as Cristal] asks the lead old woman [Gemma Jones as Helena] if she’d like some tea. The old woman says she’d prefer a sherry so the medium asks what about scotch? Helena says that’d be even better.
Chauffeur (Josh Brolin) has a beer when he gets home after crashing his car.
Beer at picnic and poker game.
The writer has beer a lot. He’s a writer. It’s his job. He should binge more.
Helena drinks whiskey in a tall glass.
Scotch with fortune teller after bad news.
Wine and champagne at classical evening.
Alfie [Anthony Hopkins] usually has a bar close by at all times.
Wine at lunch with Dad.
Hot painter [Anna Friel as Iris] has been dry for two years.
White wine goodbye drink [between Sally (Naomi Watts) and Greg (Antonio Banderas)].
Beers in a pub when he [Roy/Josh Brolin] introduces Dia [Freida Pinto]
Bottom line is i’m convinced that Woody put all the booze in this bad boy just for me. He’s catering to me ’cause he thinks he can trick me into giving this wreck a good score but i’m not that easily bought off. You wanna buy me off? Give me real alcohol.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
The only music throughout this whole thing is that Woody Allen ragtime jazz crap and some classical music and a little opera. Wake me up when we can go-go.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Woody Allen
Directed by: Woody Allen
Starring
Naomi Watts – Sally
Freida Pinto – Dia
Lucy Punch – Charmaine
Anna Friel – Iris
Gemma Jones – Helena
Pauline Collins – Cristal
Natalie Walter – Alan’s Sister
Kelly Harrison – Personal Trainer
Eleanor Gecks – Rollerblading Friend
Anthony Hopkins – Alfie
Antonio Banderas – Greg
Josh Brolin – Roy
Bottom Line
When i catch up to Woody in hell, and let there be no mistake, we will meet in hell, i’m gonna ask him back for this 1 hour and a half he stole from my life.
Looks like you picked the wrong day to come into the Bar None for a shot. This week, the dregs are packing a whole new way to be loaded in the bar, deep fried beer and, you know it, Oktoberfest. Do you feel me? Do you wanna? That’s not even mentioning the Celeb Dregs with the Bar Nun, underage Bristle Pain and Hayden Pantyhair at…you know it…Oktoberfest. Let’s kick this off with a song that’s #1 with a bullet.
You know how someone steals your drink in a bar and you wish you had a gun to shoot them in the face? Me too, so let’s go to Tennessee, Virginia, Arizona and Georgia (hey, birds of a feather get shot together) where, by law, we can get all kinds of shots. There is finally legislation that explicitly allows me to carry a sidearm into a public house, and just in time too, because i was all set to start bitching about how the USA isn’t enough like the Wild West. Or Somalia.
Gun people (and you just gotta love gun people, doncha?—especially because if you don’t they shoot you in the face) pressed lawmakers like a trigger to pass the law after the Supreme Court, who was apparently smashed out of their minds on Supreme Cognac the time, said that Americans have a right given to them by God and country not just to arm a militia but themselves as well in the defense of their home; which obviously includes bars because you just know the kind of people who fight for this kind of shit practically live in bars anyway.
But who am i to judge someone who wants to marry their cousin and play William Tell in a saloon down south? Let’s look at this objectively, k?
Here are the pros:
All right, and here are the cons:
Hmmm.
Anyway, what’s sure is that i got more shots of guns and girls in my drawers, if you scroll down.
Because Texas is jealous that Tennessee always gets to look stupidest, some guy there invented deep fried beer. Apparently, he takes whatever passes for beer down there and puts it in a small pocket of pretzel dough and deep fries it. He says, “It tastes like you took a bite of hot pretzel dough and then took a drink of [oil saturated] beer.” Yeah, after a long hard day “wrangling” cattle (Texas talk for porking the livestock), what you really need to cool down is hot, flat beer soaked in grease.
A special shout out to my one and only Miss Demeanor who brought this bit of tid to my attention. Thanks, darlun.
i really don’t got nothin’ to say about this because, like an orgasm during a bowel movement, it’s already come and passed. Still, i’m always looking for opportunities to post pictures of hot girls drinking and this’ll do as good as any this week. Besides, i keep hoping if it keep posting this crap y’all eventually are gonna take up a collection to send me there one year.
Hayden Panettiere took her boobs to Munich to show them Oktoberfest. Her boobs look bigger and a lot of websites are saying the twins are recent add-ons but i’m not so sure. i mean, she’s no taller than a German beer stein, right? So where does all the beer go when she drinks it? i’m thinking it fills her boobs. Judge for yourselves…
Here’s the requisite collage and there’ll be shots of her overflowing my drawers at the the bottom of the post.
Remember that mini scandal you never heard about? Republican’t politician Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol Palin, is only 19-years old and got caught popping into Rumrunner’s Old Towne Bar and Grill in Alaska. But she didn’t drink, she went there for the nachos. Which is like saying i drink for social contact or read Greased Irish Midgets In Latex for the articles.
Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. Blah blah blah. After last week’s revelation by InTheSameBoat, i’ve lost some motivation to dwell on our Bar Nun. She’s gonna hafta do something really spectacular to get back in my good graces. Or something really slutty. That’d work, too. Anyway, here’s a blurry picture of her in rehab from Egotastic.
Bar None Dregs
One Giant Step Towards World Domination
We’re kinda super famous! If you’ll remember, i posted an interview with Olga Fedori, the lovely actress from The Wolfman a while back. Well, guess what? Today i discovered Olga now has a Wiki page, which makes her officially (i think because i haven’t bothered to check the rest) my first interviewee to have a Wiki page. Check it out.
Did you see it? Didja? Look very closely at the “References” section. Who comes in just after “Dead Link”? Oh no, they didn’t. But, oh yes, they did go there! Pow. We here at the Bar None are becoming reference material. Didja see my name? My name in Wiki goes something like: Hall, Al K. Which makes absolutely no fuckin’ sense. But still, it’s a first step. Today, reference #2 just after “Dead Link” and tomorrow…maybe i’ll replace “Dead Link”. Dare to dream, babes.
Get Well (And Then In Another Accident)
On another, less personal note, i’d like to thank Juliette Lewis for getting in a car accident. The day after her car crash, the Bar None had it’s second “highest” day ever, coming in at exactly 2,996 page views, mostly for my review of Whip It. Thanks for coming by in drunk droves. And Juliette? Anytime you want to get hit and run, you know where to come, babe.
Where i’m At
For those of you guys who read about my new drinking rule and still care anyway, i’ve been sticking pretty regular to only drinking out of the house. 2-3 business lunches a week, the open bar office party on Friday’s, champagne at art gallery openings… i’ve only broken the rule once and it turned out badly because i drank a bottle of white at home and got mad at Miss D for some shit i should of talked to her about when i was sober but oh well, once in 3 weeks is a hell of a lot better than it was before. So the rule stands for the foreseeable future.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
No more wit. The wit is over. From now on the post is just pictures and completely witless.
Girls With Guns
Oktoberfest 2010
But wait, don’t girls drink at Oktoberfest? Let’s see…
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: A Perfect Circle – The Outsider
[Press ‘Play’ for the only song with lyrics in the whole movie]
Ramblings: Happily Ever Afterlife
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a sorority girl? She’s cute as hell and really dynamic and after you get 1 or 2 drinks in her she really cuts loose and starts dancing on the table and she doesn’t even care if you look up her skirt because she’s in the moment—a fallen angel raising hell. Sure, she’s about as deep as Barbie’s vagina but it’s OK because she hardly ever talks at all and if you wanted intelligent conversation you wouldn’t be drinking with a sorority girl in the first place—unless you are drinking with her in the first place, but you for sure wouldn’t be drinking with her to begin with because her idea of smart speak is “What do you call nailing a wasted senior? A high score!” But that’s better than good because all you need is a hardpack of reds, loud metal, and a girl with the same age and body as the whiskey. That’s what Resident Evil: Afterlife was like.
Resident Evil: Afterlife has absolutely no story whatsoever, and so what? If you want a story, go read a fucking book. RE:A is more like a video game and all the better for it because there’s action sequence after action sequence and you don’t really care what the storyline of the game is as long as you’re killing shit. Even the structure of the film is based on video gaming ’cause there are three main sections jut like levels in an RPG and when the heroes kill one Boss they move onto the next level. They even get more than one life. Total video game experience on steroids.
The whole video game analogy though is why i also had to penalize RE:A a half-shot. i’d of gone a full four but even video games are supposed to have an ending and RE:A just finishes ¼ way into the next action scene to set-up the next movie. You end up feeling like you were in the middle of a great game on your way to bagging the high score and all of a sudden the power is cut. Yeah, that kind of frustrating.
A word about the 3D. Re:A wasn’t made in 3D, it was made for 3D. Big difference. The whole selling point of this movie is to see excellent special effects (and, oh yes, they are special) with the same technology James Cameron used for Avatar. If you don’t see this thing in 3D, then all of the cool things i was talking about won’t make any sense and it’ll just look like a stupid movie with things flying at you all the time. Go 3D or don’t go, is what i’m saying.
‘Member my demands for action movies? They’re supposed to have 1) lots of action, 2) cool music, 3) babes. Like playing Space Invaders in a bar, Resident Evil: Afterlife scores on all those points. The action is cool because it’s slo-mo action like they did in 300 and i hate it when the director decides to hide his lack of talent by flashing action at you so fast you can’t see what’s happening. Not here. You get to see all the action up close and personal.
As for the chicks and the tunes, you regulars know i’ll be covering those separately right now, but you can trust me when i say, like that sorority girl after her 3rd Long Island Ice Tea, RE:A delivers.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
i’m not trying to bust your ass with this metaphor thing but the sex in Resident Evil: Afterlife is just like sex in a video game. Non-existent. i hate how games can have all kinds of crazy violence but the only kind of they let you have are scantily clad babes who get all jiggly when they move. Why is it that movies and games can both be restricted for kids under 18 and in both cases there’s tons of swearing and blood but only movies and not games are allowed to have a little skin. Fucking stupid, you ask me. Rant over.
So there were hot girls in Resident Evil: Afterlife. Like Milla Jovovich (34) who has been Alice, the central character, ever since i can remember or at least since the first Resident Evil. ‘Member that one nightmare horror scene from one of the Matrix’s when there was a gazillion Neo/Keanu Reeves fighting (and just thinking about an infinity Kanyou Grieves makes me pee in my underwear a little from the fear i still have)? They did the same here but it was with a gazillion Milla Jovoviches and that works a lot better. But don’t just take my word for it, here’s what’s giving me the entirely new kind of wet currently going on in my tighty-whities.
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You think that’s hot, you should see what i got down below in my drawers. Just keep scrolling until you get to the hot—more skin here than in the movie and you can take that to the sperm bank.
It’s just so sad that the only kind of flesh they show here is rotting. The closest we get is a lot of wet t-shirt scenes, so we’ll have to learn to make dew with that.
As you can see from the above collage, Ali Larter (34) reprises the role of Clare Redfeild that she first donned in Resident Evil: Extinction. Wait, i’ve got a photo of Clare somewhere here in my wallet. Just a sec’…yep, here it is.
Despite having the photoshop caked on, she’s pretty much as super and hot and super hot and pretty as she was in Heroes. Here y’all go…
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i’ll take one of those raw with nothing on it, please. Yes, more shots of her are lingering in the drawers.
Also reprising a role from Resident Evil: Extinction, we got Spencer Locke (19) coming back at us as K-mart. This charming and gifted young actress doesn’t have the juiciest of parts in RE:A which is tragic considering how talented and beautiful she is. Case is point.
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Check out my drawers for more.
The next repeat offender is not from 2007’s Extinction, but 2004’s Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Her name is Sienna Guillory (35) and she’s back as Jill Valentine, but only a little bit at the end. Too bad when considering she looks like this:
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How could i not offer up some single shots of her in my drawers?
Finally, we got us some 22-year-old Kacey Barnfield as Crystal. i’m not sure i remember what Crystal’s job was concerning the plot but i suspect it had something to do with running around and looking like this. And yes, before you ask, there are some hot shots of her in my drawers as well.
Which brings us to the film’s only Silken Butterfly (click on the link above to find out what the hell that means), Mika Nakashima (27). She’s a Japanese pop singer and actress and appears in RE:A as “J Pop Girl” which is pretty fitting. Here’s why…
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Mika Nakashima in the Bar None
For those of you more interested in Rez-Erections than Last Breasts, i got some Wentworth Miller (38) as Chris Renfield.
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And some Boris Kodjoe (37) as Luther.
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Drink: 0 Shots
Yeah, there was absolutely no drink or anything remotely resembling a thing that could even think about becoming something in the drink family in a no matter how distant past or ridiculously unforeseeable future.
Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
We’re rubbing elbows with perfection, here. The only thing that keeps this from being 5-shot is that the incidental background music, while pretty damn cool, doesn’t contain any lyrics. Except for the track that plays during the end credits and that i posted at the beginning of the review, it’s all that background crap. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty decent and i’ll let y’all sample the goods right here, but it’s not real and true rock and roll, is it.
From the juiced-box and the OST: Tomandandy – Los Angeles
Like i said up top, the action here is what really delivers the rock and roll here. It’s slowed down so the viewer can really appreciate how cool it is and the 3D effects, while maybe a little too “in your face” for some, are really well done. Visually, Resident Evil: Afterlife is a blast.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring
Milla Jovovich – Alice
Ali Larter – Claire Redfield
Spencer Locke – K-Mart
Sienna Guillory – Jill Valentine
Kacey Barnfield – Crystal
Wentworth Miller – Chris Redfield
Boris Kodjoe – Luther
Bottom Line
See it in a movie theater, in 3D and on the biggest fucking screen you can find.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Suzi Quatro – The Wild One
Ramblings: Cheery Bomb
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a bar that’s just installed a classic jukebox? It looks cool and flashy as hell, vintage just like you hoped and you sit close to it with your drink and you’re so happy you have problems sipping without dripping because your grin is so big. You lean back, put your feet up and prepare yourself for a rocking night—until the music starts and it’s the same old song and dance and not even all that classic, just the same boring music you hear on the radio all the time. You end up having a good time anyway because even if the songs are tired covers, the juke looks good as hell. Still, when the evening’s over, you’re not so bummed that you want to stay past closing time. That’s what The Runaways was like.
“Jail-fucking-bait. Jack-fucking-pot.” Kim Fowley’s comment as he puts together the first all female rock band in history pretty much sums up the film. Or at least pretty well sums up what i like about this movie. i mean, you know there’s nothing age inappropriate going on here in the Bar Nonebut The Runaways has 16-year-old Dakota Fanning running around in her underwear and teddys and shit so i’ll make you a deal: i won’t be any more age inappropriate here than the movie was.
Or real life. Because making money is the reason the film made so much of these very young women’s sexuality and their sexuality is what made them big enough to have a movie made about them in the first place. i’m not gonna babble on for paragraphs about how i got to see Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss (but see it i did), i’m just saying there’s a good reason they hired a female director for The Runaways. Let’s just say Floria Sigismondi can make a movie about bi-sexual teens more easily than Roman Polanski could.
So apart from hot teenage girls prancing around, what else was there to this? So glad you asked, pull up that stool and let me pour you a beer. It’s like a lesbian romance (or any romance for that matter, but gimme a break, i’m trying to stay in the groove): the story of how the girls met is the interesting thing. The beginning of any romance is always unique, the end is pretty much the same all over. That’s what it was like with The Runaways.
Seeing how The Runaways formed was fascinating and you could tell from how specific some of the scenes were that they totally happened, like when Kim Fowley (deliciously played by Michael Shannon) gets neighbor kids to throw garbage at the girls while they rehearse in a trailer to teach them how to deal with unruly fans, you just know it really went down like that. Or when Joan (Jett–played by Kristen Stewart) pees on a rival band’s guitars. That kind of shit. Those were the good times.
The problem i had with this was that after they got that out of the way, the movie slips into the same clichés that the real Runaways did with booze and drugs. i’m not saying they shouldn’t have showed it because i know it really happened, i’m just saying the director’s job is to find an interesting way to show it. As it stands, the movie turns into one of those Behind the Music things on VH1, which are cool, but not really what i want to see here (which is basically, let’s be honest, Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart kissing).
Now comes the part where i’m gonna look like an idiot and y’all are gonna think i don’t know what i’m talking about because i’m gonna rag on Dakota’s and Kristen’s acting and you’re gonna tell me i’m full of shit and you’re gonna find tons of articles online that talk about how the actresses are transformed and are so amazing and authentic and i lost interest in this sentence long before you did.
Look, all i can tell you is what i saw. Kristen Stewart does a better job here than in Twilight which is kinda like saying sipping whiskey is better than opening a shaken can of Pabst directly up your nose. Still, is saying that she’s done a lot worse really the same as doing a good job? She can look tough but she can’t act tough, is where i’m going with this. i’m sure Joan Jett was a nervous, skittish little teen underneath her tough leather exterior but i think Kristen felt more at ease playing Joan’s soft sensitive side than riding the hard edge. And even Miss Demeanor said that Dakota Fanning was a little flat (and she wasn’t talking about the tube top scene).
Speaking of… Before we kick this up a notch, i got to card two youngins. First off there was the charming Hannah Marks who plays Tammy, Joan’s friend (who also kisses her) at the beginning of the movie. As she’s only 17, i can’t let her be seen in the same section as the sex. Here then, is the talented and young Hannah Marks:
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Plus, as i’ve already mentioned, Dakota Fanning is only 16 and thus must hang out here with Hannah.
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Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Before we jump in, you’re gonna want to hear this scoop. David Bowie’s “Lady Grinning Soul” was in the movie but didn’t make the cut for the soundtrack (the people who decide these things decided “Rebel Rebel” was a surer bet). Not only does Dakota Fanning do a great job of miming it in the movie, it provides a wonderful backdrop to scroll through the next section by.
[Press ‘Play’ to be serenaded 70s style]
Sex: 4 Shots
Yeah, put your dander down right there, buddy. There were a lot of girls in The Runaways that were over 18. And it’s like i keep telling you, the original band The Runaways used sex to sell and this movie used that same argument so what am i supposed to do, pretend there was no sexuality in the movie? ‘Cause there was and if you expect me to take the moral high ground in this debate you are drinking in the wrong fucking bar, brother and barmaid.
The Runaways
Cherie Currie (lead singer) / Dakota Fanning
Joan Jett (rhythm guitar) / Kristen Stewart (20), looking better than she acted, if you want the low down, down low. ‘Course that’s not surprising when you think about how good she looks. Here’s the collage to prove it and there’s some single shots of her hanging out in my drawers.
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Lita Ford (lead guitar) / Scout Taylor-Compton (21) was sadly understated in the movie. The actress is very talented and charming and i have a hard time believing that The Runaways went their whole career only using Lita’s name twice. OK, so Lita refused to give her life story rights to the producers, but is that a reason to neglect mentioning in the “where are they now” end credits that Lita Ford scored a respectable solo career and even did a cool 80’s metal ballad duet with Ozzy. Whatever, i still say Scout shoulda got lots more screen time. Shit, i’ll give her some right here.
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Plus, even if Lita wouldn’t give her life rights to the movie people, she did agree to meet with Scout and, after an emotional meeting, Lita said that even if the movie sucked, that Scout would do Ford justice.
Single shots in my drawers. Just scroll all the way down if you don’t believe me.
Sandy West (drummer) / Stella Maeve was, along with Joan Jett, co-founder of The Runaways. It’s a shame the film didn’t do her more justice as one of the motors for the bad. At least Stella was able to inject the role with the energy West was famous for, even if the director didn’t see fit to share it with us. At least not like i do, but then you know me and i’m all about the sharing.
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Robin (bassist) / Alia Shawkat (21) didn’t exist. The Runaways went through bassists like Spinal Tap went through drummers and if you don’t get that reference you shouldn’t be reading this blog. Nah, just joshin. Anyway, Robin is a composite of all the different bassists, especially Jackie Fox who also refused to give up her life rights in this thing because she’s a big fancy lawyer now. Yes, it is exactly that sad. In other news, Shawkat is a kickass name. Here’s a composite of Alia, who is everything but sad.
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The Runaways was based on the book Neon Angel, written by Cherie Currie (Dakota Fanning’s character in the film). Because of this, we get a lot of Cherie’s personal life but none of the other girls. The good news is that Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter, Riley Keough (21), is in this movie as Cherie’s sister, Marie.
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There’ll be drawer shots of her as well.
Finally, coming in as Mrs Currie we got us some Tatum O’Neal (46). Little known fact, “Tatum” is a Latin word and is singular. One Tatum, Two Tata. Here then, are both Tatum’s tata.
Here’s the rest of the blow-by-blow job i did:
KS’s [Kristen Stewart] friend kisses her [at the beginning of the movie]
DF [Dakota Fanning] doing Bowie’s “Lady Grinning Soul” is sex
KS [sitting on toilet] gives masturbation lesson to a bandmate in the shower who has a hard time getting there until KS tells her to think of Farrah Fawcett
DF quickie [fully clothed] standing up in bathroom with roadie
KS and DF share cigarette smoke and then kiss
Very insinuated sex scene to “I Wanna Be Your Dog”
DF in hot pants and vest shoot for Jap[anese] mag
DF singing in teddy lingerie says “cock”
A little inside blouse of KS during landing in Japan
Drink: 3½ Shots
Here’s a good idea: a squirt gun filled with vodka poolside at some cheap motel like Joan/Kristen had.
There was quite a bit of drinking in The Runaways, which isn’t really all that surprising when you consider the movie was made about a rock group in the 70s. Still, it was nice to see and alcohol even played kind of a strong role in this because Cherie’s dad was a face to the floor drinker. For example, there’s this one scene where the dad drives home drunk and passes out in the car in the driveway and when Cherie opens the door to check on him he spills out of the seat on onto the driveway right in front of her friends.
Also, at the very beginning, the girls were at somebody’s house drinking a “Dirty Sink”. Now, before i go any further into this i just want to take a step back and appreciate the kind of society we live in where they can make a movie about teenage girls drinking when their parents are out (as long as it’s not my daughter). A Dirty Sink, then, is a mix of every bottle of booze from your parents’ liquor cabinet—in quantities so small they won’t notice—all poured in the same glass.
Another thing i’ll chew on your ear about was the trip to Japan. Seems The Runaways were big in Japan (even before Tom Waits made it cool) and so they went there for a live TV show. At some fancy dinner they drank a sake toast to the first TV broadcast that would be seen by over a million people and Cherie/Dakota (i think) says she wants a beer.
Here’s the booze dregs:
The girls drink directly from the bottle behind the Hollywood sign at night
Booze at house party
Kristen and Dakota smoke throughout the movie
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
First off, this was a fuckin’ movie about rock and roll and even better, The Runaways was a decent band. If you check out the soundtrack i’mma post you’ll see that not just are there some cool Runaway tunes, but also a nice selection of other artists from that era (mid 70s, for those of you who are drunk in the clouds).
To get you in the mood, here’s Dakota Fanning singing “Cherry Bomb” from the juiced-box and the soundtrack.
Before i go to the soundtrack, though, i’d just like to point out that Don Mclean’s “Vincent (Starry Night)” plays a prominent role in the film, even if it didn’t make the soundtrack. Another side note is that, though i can’t find it credited anywheres, whoever did the incidental guitar music for The Runaways did an excellent job. Very tasty solos.
Here’s the soundtrack:
“Roxy Roller” by Nick Gilder
“The Wild One” by Suzi Quatro
“It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by MC5
“Rebel Rebel” by David Bowie
“Cherry Bomb” by Dakota Fanning
“Hollywood” by The Runaways
“California Paradise” by Dakota Fanning
“You Drive Me Wild” by The Runaways
“Queens of Noise” by Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart
“Dead End Justice” by Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning
“I Wanna Be Your Dog” by The Stooges
“I Wanna Be Where the Boys Are (Live)” by The Runaways
“Pretty Vacant” by Sex Pistols
“Don’t Abuse Me” by Joan Jett
i’ll also raise a drink to Dakota and Kristen, who did a decent job of performing in the film and the OST.
Speaking of the rock, i just gotta show you this quote from the script.
KIM FOWLEY (explodes) Dog shit! Urine-stained dogshit! Rock n’ roll is a blood sport, a sport of men. It’s for the people in the dark, the death cats, the masturbators, the outcasts who have no voice, no way of saying “I hate this world, my father’s a faggot, fuck you, fuck authority — I want an orgasm!”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Cherie Currie (book)
Floria Sigismondi (screenplay)
Directed by: Floria Sigismondi
Starring
Kristen Stewart – Joan Jett
Dakota Fanning – Cherie Currie
Stella Maeve – Sandy West
Scout Taylor-Compton – Lita Ford
Alia Shawkat – Robin
Riley Keough – Marie Currie
Tatum O’Neal – Cherie’s Mom
Hannah Marks – Tammy
Michael Shannon – Kim Fowley
Bottom Line
It’s probably better to get this on DVD so you can pause it where ever you want and plus i bet there’s a lot junk they put on it that would be pretty damn interesting.
My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
i’m not trying to bust your ass with this metaphor thing but the sex in Resident Evil: Afterlife is just like sex in a video game. Non-existent. i hate how games can have all kinds of crazy violence but the only kind of they let you have are scantily clad babes who get all jiggly when they move. Why is it that movies and games can both be restricted for kids under 18 and in both cases there’s tons of swearing and blood but only movies and not games are allowed to have a little skin. Fucking stupid, you ask me. Rant over.
We’re rubbing elbows with perfection, here. The only thing that keeps this from being 5-shot is that the incidental background music, while pretty damn cool, doesn’t contain any lyrics. Except for the track that plays during the end credits and that i posted at the beginning of the review, it’s all that background crap. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty decent and i’ll let y’all sample the goods right here, but it’s not real and true rock and roll, is it.
You know how you get drunk in a bar that’s just installed a classic jukebox? It looks cool and flashy as hell, vintage just like you hoped and you sit close to it with your drink and you’re so happy you have problems sipping without dripping because your grin is so big. You lean back, put your feet up and prepare yourself for a rocking night—until the music starts and it’s the same old song and dance and not even all that classic, just the same boring music you hear on the radio all the time. You end up having a good time anyway because even if the songs are tired covers, the juke looks good as hell. Still, when the evening’s over, you’re not so bummed that you want to stay past closing time. That’s what The Runaways was like.
Here’s a good idea: a squirt gun filled with vodka poolside at some cheap motel like Joan/Kristen had.
The Bar None -- High & Dry 
