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Ramblings: History Is Nothing New
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you get drunk with historians? They tell you a rambling story about a lot of crap that happened before you were born. About people you never met. What’s worse, there isn’t even any nudity or hardly even any babes at all. Or booze! Just a lot of dates with tons of numbers and these names no one can pronounce, pro’lly not even the parents of the poor bastards who hafta go through their whole lives as “Dude” or “Babe” ’cause no one knows what else to call them. Plus, you can’t take them out for a beer because even if you go “Hey You!” there’s no bar to take them to anyway. And apparently only one chick in the whole freaking historical town to try to hook up with but she’s pro’lly super tired and she’s got one of those screwed up names, too. Maybe some people get off drinking with a historian and listening to his story but i was in the dark and there was no spark to make me wanna learn more. Agora was kinda like that.
The thing i wish Alejandro Amenábar (writer and director) woulda done more of is make the struggle among the religions (Paganism, Judaism and Christianity) more fascinating. It doesn’t seem like it should be that hard; there are enough battles in Agora but i found the fundamentals a little too simplistic. ‘Gayvus’ (really it’s Davus) wishy washes back and forth and we’re not really sure why, and i thought it a stretch that the religious wars which formed the foundation of Christianity were fought over a smart chick.
You know what this movie neeeded? More 300 and less Troy.
History isn’t bunk, just boring as hell. The story here is nothing ground breaking, the way of telling it isn’t revelatory, the actors do what’s expected of them but aren’t able to excavate the script from the depths normalcy. Basically, what we’ve got here is history textbook film making that doesn’t get off the page or out of the ground.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1/2 Shot
i’m being nice giving this a half shot but hell, Rachel Weisz (29) is in this and i want her to be the mother of my children. Not that i want more kids, i just want Rachel to come over to my house and take care of the kids i already have because she’s cute and it’d be cool to have her as my babysitter. Plus, maybe Miss Demeanor could talk her into a three way after the kids fall asleep.
Before i throw up the shots of her, here’s the blow-by-blow:
- Hypatia (Rachel Weisz)—let’s call her ‘Hippie’—gives Orestes (‘Testes’) a hankie covered with her menstrual blood so he stops hitting on her
- A Jewish girl gets her clothes ripped off in a riot scene
- Cute actress in a boat arena play [actress not listed, no photos, not my fault]
- Rachel Weisz’s eyebrows rock
- Rachel wears her hair up too much in this movie
- Side boob of Rachel / Hippie when her clothes are torn off her at the end—don’t blink, you’ll miss it
In addition to the side boob glimpse i mentioned above, we get a rear view of Rachel Weisz getting out of the bath at the beginning. You know what that means? We get to see a Weisz ass. There’s another Weisz ass at the end when her clothes are stripped from her.
Here’s what i uncovered on the net:
Rachel Weisz In The Bar None
Click On The Image For Wallpaper Size
There was also this really hot slave girl. She didn’t have any lines but had very striking good looks. i give you Amber Rose Revah (who plays Sidonia—because of all the freaking unpronounceable names, we’ll call her Sit-on-ya):
The other problem with this movie was there were tons of guys and only poor little Rachel Weisz / Hippie (and the cameo by Amber Rose Revah / Sit-on-ya).
Here are the guys, for anyone who cares about guys.
Max Minghella (24) plays Davus (‘Gayvus’).
Oscar Isaac (30) plays Orestes (‘Testes’):
Rupert Evans (32), bastard love child of Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis, plays Synesius (‘Sinus’):
Sami Samir plays Cyril (it’s ok, i can handle ‘Cyril’) who’s like a little baby Jesus all growed up:
Yeah, i know, too many guys. Next time i’ll try to see something soft porn so i got more for y’all…
Drink: 0 Shots
Not much at all. Some bishop drinks wine from a golden chalice.
Then Hippie and Testes drink wine and just after, Hippie gets the flash of understanding that made her famous enough to make a movie based on her. See? Drinking will make you famous.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
It wasn’t rock, but Testes played a song on weird flutes that sounded like a mix between an accordion and bagpipes. Yeah, it was that bad.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Alejandro Amenábar, Mateo Gil
Directed by: Alejandro Amenábar
Starring
Rachel Weisz – Hypatia
Amber Rose Revah – Sidonia
Max Minghella – Davus
Oscar Isaac – Orestes
Rupert Evans – Synesius
Sami Samir – Cyril
Bottom Line
Historically interesting if you’re interested in history. For normal people: if they’re gonna make us watch this stuff, they should at least add some flair to make us care. Hey, it was big in Spain, if that makes a difference for you.
The Bar None -- High & Dry 
History doesn’t have to be boring, it is all in the telling.
You wouldn’t complain about all the guys if there was a scene with the two chicks taking on all those guys at once, but then I’m sure that would effect the movies rating.
Really, wine and beer was about all that was around back the wasn’t it?
So really, was there a point? did it tell a story? Did the world really change? Was it history for history’s sake? I could tell how someone figured out a way to seal a jar of grain so that it would last until one ran out of fresh grain that lead to farming far more than one could eat in a season and the need to sock this stored food and tell one farmers goods from another, which lead to the alphabet and living in one place (ie: settlements, villages, towns and cities) and overpopulation, but the movie would be so boring even Rachel Weisz couldn’t save it.
” We get to see a Weisz ass.”
Heh heh heh heh.
She is so purdy that I would have gladly sat through this, no matter how boring! Then again, I might have liked it. I did like “Bright Star” after all.
And just so your readers know (and because I was curious — I got more from you about what this movie is *not* than what it is from your review), this is the plot summary from IMDB: “A historical drama set in Roman Egypt, concerning a slave who turns to the rising tide of Christianity in the hopes of pursuing freedom while also falling in love with his master, the famous female philosophy professor and atheist Hypatia of Alexandria.”
Is it Davus or Orestes that is after Hypatia? Or one of the other guys?
What’s the story (besides boring) Morning Glory? Inquiring minds want to know!
BTW — this sounds kinda bitchy. “And just so your readers know (and because I was curious — I got more from you about what this movie is *not* than what it is from your review)”
I did not mean it to be!! It’s just that I realized I read the reviews differently when I have not seen the movie as opposed to when I have. I did not see this one, and I realized that I really did not understand what the movie was about at all after reading this, just more of what you thought it lacked. So I looked it up because I was curious after reading.