D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s of the D-Generation, this is your FASe speaking. Here’s The Bar None’s complete Juice-box playlist, suitable for playing at any party. Just press ‘Play’ to get your rock off.
Why not break it in tonight?
Monthly Archives: December 2009
20 Things To Say When Refusing A Drink (A Top 20 Lips)
As the FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson) of the D-Generation, i’m here to offer tips & changes on everything about alcohol, including not drinking.
Maintaining the buzz of 10 Things To Say While Getting Another Drink (which was boosted thanks to a generous review on a site called Smak News) and following my fiancée’s recommendation, i’m posting today a list of 20 things to say to refuse a drink—during tomorrow night’s celebrations or any time you’ve hit your limit and don’t want your limit hitting back.
So for the T-Totallers and the totally wasted, i offer this list of responses to “Do you want a drink?” It’s a day early so you have time to memorize them before New Year’s Eve.
Enjoy yourselves and, as always, thanks once again for patronizing me.
From the juiced-box: Tori Amos – Our New Year
“Do You Want A Drink?”
1. “I’m allergic. It makes me break out in stupid.”
2. “Ok, but the judge said you need to write up a waiver for me to sign first.”
3. “Shoot, just when i was starting to enjoy myself.”
4. “Sorry, I’m saving myself for Remy Martin.”
Remy Martin Cognac Black Pearl Louis XIII = $10,000 / bottle
5. “Why, do I look like I need one?”
6. “No thanks, I’ve had enough this lifetime.”
7. “Ok, but I get to puke in your car when I drive it home.”
8. “Nope, I’ve already used up my idiot quota for the day.”
9. “You just want to post the pictures, doncha.”
10. “Yeah, you look like the kind of person I could be sick on.”
11. “Only if you babysit me while I slobber on your shoulder for the next 8-10 hours.”
12. “Nope, you’re not that cute and I’m not that stupid.”
13. “Sure, I’ll have a virgin Rum & Coke.”
14. “Your eyes say ‘Yes’ but the voices in my head are screaming ‘NO! NO!’.”
15. “No thanks, I’m the designated smart person.”
16. “I’ll give you a buck if you ask my sponsor that.”
17. “Only if you hold my hair while i call God on the big white phone.”
18. “Thanks anyway, I’ve been down that road and got way lost.”
19. “Hmm…It has been awhile since I last killed.”
20. “No thanks, it messes with the meth.”
Blog-Rolled: A New Link
Part of my responsibilities as Functional Alcoholics’ Slurperson (FASe) is to offer you Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reuniteds of the D-Generation guidance.
In loo [sick] of a post today, i’ve redone and updated my Link Section, now known as Blog-Rolled. In addition to the link to my YouTube page, i’ve added another:
Click on the image to visit the site
TFLN (Texts From Last Night) is a collection of texts people sent the night before. The reason i’ve deemed it acceptable for this Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker is that the vast majority involve drinking. Check it our for a good laugh, but also to feel better about yourself: You haven’t had it half as bad as half these people.
But it’s not all bad. Check this one out:
Click and enjoy…
Photo Of The Day
Caribbean Creation
Added to the Self-Unemployed page.
Dregs Of The Week: Dec 20 – 27 (or sumpin’)
The Dregs---Where i Let Slip More Than Denise Richards' Sex On The Beach
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Tara Biller: Anita & Kyle & Dominique & Julie – Take Care Of Our Children (Don’t Drive Drunk) (circa 1986—yes, it’s important to specify, you’ll hear why)
Dec 7: Mom Ditches Kid, Literally
Tara Biller (30) is a drunk mother. She was drunk chauffeuring her 10-year-old daughter around, weebling and wobbling so much a pizza delivery guy called the sheriff’s department. Just in time too, ’cause the mother drove the car into a ditch. The panicked kid banged on the window so Tara let the girl out—and drove away, abandoning her offspring on the roadside. The pizza delivery guy looked after the daughter while the police found the mom and busted her for DUI, driving with a suspended license and child endangerment. On the bright side, now the kid knows what to give her mom on Mother’s Day: a fifth of vodka. 
Dec 22: I’ve Got An18-inch Lizard In My Trousers For You. Can I Have Some Booze?
Something wild other than turkey comes from Kentucky, and i’m guessing it lives in a trailer.
David Martt (44) and his son Harley D Martt (18) (no mention is made of their daughter Mini) went to the Eagle’s Landing Pet Hospital and petshop-lifted an 18″ bearded dragon lizard worth $350. They took it to JB’s Gun & Pawn to get some cash for it but no dice. So the pair took their bearded dragon to Freight Station and First Street liquors and tried to trade the reptile for booze. Apparently not everyone in Kentucky is as thick as the thieves ’cause the duo got shot down. Police arrested them as they were entering an apartment complex. “Big”, that’d be the lizard, is recovering in the Pet Hospital from a bad case of hypothermia. The dad is still in the cooler.
Not Legal Tender
Dec 22: Only Because She’s Drunk And Nineteen
Some 19-year-old chick ripped Santa’s beard off his face outside Conseco Fieldhouse in Indiana. It wouldn’t be big news except the fake Santa said “it hurt when the firmly attached beard was ripped away”. It still wouldn’t be news except he told cops the girl was very drunk, and when police caught up with her inside the arena, they found a fifth of vodka under her shirt. Hey, what a drunk 19-year-old girl wants, God wants.
Celebrity Dregs
Dec 24: Priest Gets Ass Kicked At Kardashian’s Christmas Party
i’ve been looking long and hard and the only employ i can come up with for this Khloe Kardashian babe is Professional Cleavage. Anyway, she had a Christmas party at her place and some guy got drunk, fell over and cut his chin. Pastor Brad, who married Khloe and Lamar, tried to help the dude up, but the dude punched Pastor Brad in the face; pro’lly for having such a stupid ass name.
Here’s what i was talking ’bout before, about Professional Cleavage:
See-Through. Unfortunately.
Worth mentioning, she was busted for DUI in March 2007 and served 3 hours in jail.
Busted
Not much going on here. Just i’m a huge Sean Penn fan and there’s a shot of him having a tequila shot with Dan Akroyd.
Dec 25: Brooke Mueller’s Day Off
i love this one. Denise Richards’ Christmas present came right on time. Her ex-husband, Charlie Sheen, was arrested on Christmas morning for abusing his wife, Brooke Mueller. Brooke has since said it was the booze talking when she called 911. Police had tested her when they arrived and her BAC was 0.13—at 8:34am Christmas morning. i wanna party like the Sheens do.
Here are the best shots of Brooke i could find, and two of them only work if you like pregnant women (pregnant with twins even):
It was easier to find pictures of Denise:
Here’s your tender bartender serving up the money shot. It’s a nip slip while Richards lesbian kisses Neve Cmpbell in Wild Things.
For Regulars Only…
…because the rest of you won’t care.
Big news in the Bar None!
From the juiced-box and for the occasion: Maxwell – Suitelady (The Proposal Jam)
Yes, it’s official and it wasn’t even the booze talking.
On Christmas morning, i placed a black pearl ring in Miss Demeanor’s stocking and, when she opened it i asked her to be my wife. After the initial shock wore off, she accepted. No specific date has been set of yet, though we’re hoping to tie that knot sometime in 2010.
Presents and congratulations (but especially presents) can be dropped off here at the Bar None.
A Christmas Blog
This post is dedicated to the 526 patronizers who have stumbled in here so far today, and to those of you who are already on your way. Thank you so much for taking time, especially on this day, to stop in and say ‘Hey’.
Christmas Tree In The Bar None
Let’s start off with some Christmas Spirits music: John Denver – Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
This post is just to let you know i’m here for those of you straggling into The Bar None this Christmas Day.
i’m here for You.
As your tender bartender, i even brought the Proof. Like Santa, i have Christmas Presents for everyone! Unlike Santa, i don’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice.
On to the gifts…
First for the drinkers. Here’s a wallpaper for you:
Instructions:
- Click on the image
- When the image has finished loading, right click on it
- Move cursor to “Save image as…”
- Click and remember where you’ve saved the image
- Go to folder with the image and double click to open it
- Go to the opened image and right click again
- Move cursor to “Set as desktop background”
For the single handed porn surfers, i have a different wallpaper for you:
Instructions same as above.
If that isn’t your idea of Christmas sexy, what about this? Like i said, no patronizer left behind…
Finally, for those of you who insist on remembering the religious root of the season, i have this for you:
Pissed on Earth, Good Swill For Men!
10 Toasts For Any Season (A Top 10 Lips)
In honor of this holiday season, i’m here to share with you ten toasts that work for all seasons. There’s a toast below for every situation: serious, casual, outta hand; friendly, romantic, both; for your enemies and your family (and both)… Enjoy and here’s to hoping they come in handy for many beers to come.
1. May there not be enough room on your tombstone for all the life
you’ve lived.
2. A drink to the next round and the savior that buys it.
3. To saving the joy that’s drowning at the bottom of this glass.
4. To friends close enough to be family and family close enough to be friends.
5. A drink to sinners and saints and all those who ain’t.
6. To drunks, warriors and infants: may God worry about them most.
To The Drunks...
...And The Infants
7. A drink to stupid people for making us feel smarter than we are. 
8. May tomorrow be a day better than today and may today be very, very good.
9. To nights that are worth living and times that beg forgiving.
10. A drink to the drink we’ll share next.
Another Famous Person Knows Me!
In honor of today’s famous person, some tunes to read by: Black Label Society – Just Killing Time
Click On The Picture To Visit The Amazon Page
So i was reading through the comments to yesterday’s Very Special Christmas post, “My First Sober Christmas”. Mixed in with the traditionaly astute remarks of my regulars was a little note that stuck out like a pretzel floaty in a pint of beer. Just 2 ominous words posted by a newcomer to the Bar None: “Christmas sux.”
As astute a comment as any, to be sure, but what really put me on my ass was when i clicked on the Just Killing Time nic and was transported to this page here. Turns out the guy isn’t like the rest of us, just surfing around looking for crack, cracks or something that will crack a smile.
Derek Van Arman has actually accomplished something with his life. He published a real book! And we’re not talking self-published here, kids and those who make them, we’re talking Signet, a real book company.
Hopefully, i’ll be able to corner him into an interview, like i did here with Gabrielle Chapin, the hot actress from Final Destination 4.
Thanks for patronizing me, Derek.
[A special shout-out to Miss Demeanor for picking up on this. i kinda blew off the comment (though i did respond with my usual aplomb) because i thought the “Just Killing Time” handle was a synonym for ‘Slacker’. Miss D, however, went the extra click and uncovered the naked truth. Way to go, babe!]
My First Sober Christmas: An all-new extra special Christmas episode:
Before i get to the meat, here’s the gravy: South Park’s Mr Garrison – Merry Fµcking Christmas
If you’re gonna skip the post, read the Non Sequitur at the end, ok? It’s a good one.
The only thing i hate more than Christmas are Christmas episodes of shows that end up with the reruns in the middle of a July heatwave. God but i hate those things. i’d rather chug canned laughter than canned yuletide warmth. And i hate canned laughter more than anything.
Back to my problem. Christmas. i think the last time i was sober for Christmas was about 4 or 5 years ago. i’d quit drinking for six months and powered through. Before that, the last time i didn’t find my Christmas cheer in a bottle was when MTV played something called music videos all day and nothing else. Yes, that long ago.
See, i get stressed at Christmas. Wanna know why? Too bad. It’s because i’m afraid. i’m afraid of messing up. i’m afraid of not buying the right present or not buying enough presents or spending too much money or not enough. i’m afraid of not liking people’s gifts or not being capable of showing people how how much i like their gift. i’m afraid of not living up to the Christmas spirit, of disappointing my kids and my girlfriend.
Add to that, when i’m afraid of something, i bail. It’s not a question of fight or flight with me, more of which flight am i gonna take. i end up blowing stuff off for as long as possible and hoping it’ll go away. But it doesn’t. It keeps getting closer, one day at a time, like a serial killer snail. So what do i do? Get off my scardey cat ass and actually do crap to get into the holiday spirit? Take the kids to see the shop windows, go to Christmas market and look for tree ornaments? Learn how to play Johnny Mathis Christmas songs on the guitar?
Nope. i drink. i take that vacation in a bottle. One way. The next best thing to caring too much is not caring at all, right? Then i slide right through Christmas and wake up some time in February.
Except this year, for my kids, for Miss Demeanor but mostly for me, i made the kamikaze decision to try it without the booze. Why? Damned if i know. i think maybe i’m hoping i’ll survive the fear and the stress and the pressure and maybe do a couple things right.
Cross your fingers for me.
RUDOLPH AS A FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC
Click On The Picture To Read It Better
The Bar None -- High & Dry 