[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend A Broken Heart
[Press ‘Play’ for as close as you’ll get to rock in this movie]
Ramblings: The Last Book (Hopefully) Of E-Lame
Final Proof: 1 Shot 
You know how you drink with a Christian Fundamentalist preacher? He’s all smiles and wearing this nice suit and he looks all shiny and polished and professional but he opens his mouth and no matter how hard he tries it’s only after about three or words that he starts preaching away at you and you start beer barfing in your mouth and, sure, you could swallow it but you decide to spit it all over the Christian Funda-mental because he’s an asshole and here you are just trying to enjoy yourself and have a good time and he’s on his soapbox passing wind in your digs so he deserves the hate you spew all over him. The Book Of Eli is so like that.
Post-apocalyptic movies come in two categories. You got your hyper-realistic The Road and you got your hyper-fun Zombieland. What you got with The Book Of Eli is your hyper-poor The Road imitation remade by religious right Christian Conservatives.
Plus, i won’t go into them all here because i don’t wanna be a spoiler, but every other scene has at least one WTF moment. Seriously, there are at least ten times you’ll gag because there’s no oxygen how far they had to go to fetch this crap.
Yeah, this movie chaffs my ass more than leaky beer farts. The good guys are 100% good. The bad guys are 100% bad. Everything is black and white, and not just the color scheme and Denzel Washington / Gary Oldman. Oh yeah, and there’s the 100% required ‘twist’ ending, and i’m not just talking about your intestines. The ‘twist’ isn’t all bad, though, ’cause it’ll give you and your date 2 hours of conversation while you go over the whole film talking about how nothing in the entire movie makes the twist remotely believable.
It’s not total crap. The blue-gray & white filter worked well and the action scenes were passable. Ok, also Tom Waits shows up. i don’t know how they tricked him into participating in this hour and a half religious commercial—i’m guessing he was brainwashed by Christian Science Jehovah’s Mormons beside a dumpster in an alley behind a Denny’s at 3am somewhere near Albuquerque where they shot this movie and damn, i wish they woulda shot this movie, shot it dead three times in the head to put it out of my misery.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
There’s a rape and a half in The Book Of Eli. i hate rape scenes in movies. They’re just a shortcut—at the expense of women—to setting up characters as bad guys. Rape scenes show a lack of imagination and, as everyone knows, i’m all about imagination. And women. Hot women. And sex. Any kind of sex. Rape has nothing to do with sex or hot women so it has no place in films. No nudity in The Book Of Eli, either. We do get some Mila Kunis (26), which is pro’lly the next best thing…
Notice how she’s wearing sunglasses here? Miss Demeanor pointed out that in The Book Of Eli everyone sports brand new cool shades. Apparently, after the end of the world everything will be decimated except for Sunglass Huts in shopping malls. Here’s a collage for y’all.
Speaking of cool, Jennifer Beals shows up here, looking almost as hot at 46 as she did in Flashdance.
As for the Silken Butterly (that fleeting image of beauty flitting across the scene in the break of a heart), The Book Of Eli offers us up stunt woman Heidi Pascoe, aka “Middle-Aged Woman”.
Just in case some babes have stumbled into this post, i’ve got some dark chocolate (55) for you to nibble on…
…and a 51-year-old white ‘russian’ [ok, he’s British but it’s kinda the same thing, right?] for you to nurse.
In The Bar None
Drink: 0 Shots Unless you count ‘water’, and i don’t unless it accompanies Scotch.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots Are you freaking kidding me? The Bee Gees for chrissakes.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Gary Whitta Directed by: The Hughes Brothers (Albert & Allen) Starring Mila Kunis – Solara Jennifer Beals – Claudia Heidi Pascoe – Middle-Aged Woman Denzel Washington – Eli Gary Oldman – Carnegie
Bottom Line
Pretend this movie is like life after the apocalypse: Shoot yourself in the head to spare yourself the misery of experiencing it.
The Bar None -- High & Dry 
After the first Terminator movie, everbody had to have the same gorgoyle sunglasses that Arnold sported. In typical hollywood flare, they simply overdid something that only worked because it was new.
Major star of “The L Word” in christian movie. It’s enough to make one mimic little Reagan from the Exorcist. (head spin. puke green pea soup and float)
Miss Demeanor said Beals did a good job in “The ‘L’ Word” as well. Little ‘Reagan’ indeed.
Al K Hall
Love your rant in the part about Tom Waits, my love. Hee hee hee!
I kept feeling like I was watching “Mad Max” as interpreted by James Dobson (of Focus on the Family).
Here’s the thing, though: Gary Whitta, the writer, is a young-ish game designer and journalist (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Whitta). I can find nothing about him that qualifies him as empathetic to anything Christian. I am also surprised at the cast, none of whom I would think would purposely act in such a skewed film. I mean, and Joel Silver is the producer, too. Not exactly a Fundamentalist, you know? So I got to wondering, “What is this film’s deal?” and was it the director trying to interpret or skew the script? What is going on with it all? (Not that the movie is really worth the investigation, but then I am just curious as I keep thinking “WTF?” with this one.)
Okay. Just looked up the Hughes brothers. See Wiki on your own search as putting too many links will mean my comment won’t post.
They are hardcore ganja smokers.
Don’t see any evidence that they are total right-wingers.
Oh hey: check this out from the Wiki article on the movie:
“In May 2007, Columbia Pictures and Warner Brothers. signed the Hughes Brothers to direct The Book of Eli, based on a script by Gary Whitta. The film is the brothers’ first since From Hell in 2001. The script was subsequently rewritten by Anthony Peckham, and in September 2008, actor Denzel Washington was cast in the lead role.”
And about A. Peckham,
“In 2009, Peckham wrote the screenplays to two high-profile releases: the Clint Eastwood-directed Nelson Mandela biopic Invictus, starring Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, and Sherlock Holmes, starring Robert Downey Jr.”
Huh. Interesting.
I dunno. The movie is overtly religious and in a poorly-done kind of way (as far as the storyline goes). It is *not* a bad idea (as you and I talked about). But it’s execution as a story was corny and cheesy, as in Swiss ==> full of holes.
I note that this movie has gotten mixed reviews, but some of them are good (?) . I still can’t help but wonder what in the heck was going on with this one, though. It just was NOT that good, despite okay action scenes and special effects. The story tanked, however, on so many levels, as badly as the story in “2012.”
I guess part of it is I am just sick of post-apocalyptic (or during-apocalyptic, as in the case of “2012”) movies. Argh.
THANK YOU for the pics of Gary Oldman, though. He is cool. I think you should have put a couple of Malcolm M and Tom, too, though. I love those quirky dudes!!
And thanks for adding my Sunglass Hut observation, lol.
God i loved this comment!
You and i both know how much time i spend ‘researching’ these movies (read ‘looking for hot photos of the actresses’) and then writing them—true story, i spend 4-6hours writing a review of an 1 1/2 movie—so i appreciate the back story.
Especially when all the players involved had no religious overtones! That surprised me and made me realize that, in the States, religion based stories are acceptable as long as it’s not too overt.
i could ask you a million times a day to marry me all over again…
Al K Hall
I agree, Al. That movie sucked. I don’t know what I was expecting when I went in there, but Jesus F-ing Christ that was a nightmare. It just kept getting worse. Almost needed a drink after that. What’s funny is that I enjoyed other Hughes Brothers films like Menace 2 Society and Dead Presidents… Maybe they were just cashing in on the Christian audience.
Seriously, I think we need a new movie rating system that warns of sanctimonius bullshit, in addition to sex, violence, and drug usage.
ITSB,
So impressed was i by your feedback that i wrote an entire post to your intelligence.
Thanks a lot for patronizing me
Al K Hall
Here’s my thing… and it could be because I’m in love with Bette… errr Jennifer Beals-
For a religious movie, I didn’t feel terribly preached at. Sure the main focus was the bible… yes the good guy/bad guy thing was a bit extreme (but it was that way in westerns– I just thought of this as a post-apoc. western.)
And the twist was a little bit M. Night Shamamalalala….
But over all, I liked it.. for entertainment, not for advice on how to live. At least there was no Kirk Cameron!
True that! Any movie without Kirk Cameron deserves a shot, which is pro’lly why i gave this one a shot anyway.
You cracked me up with the ‘M. Night Shamamalalala…’!
It must be because i’ve been living in Yeman for so long now, and here *any* overt religion is frowned on, that i felt the theme as a thorn in my craw… Which is maybe why so many Americans could overlook it. It was there, but because it wasn’t preachy but just a part of the story people could sit back and relax.
Thanks for patronizing me,
Al K Hall
Ok, just read another person’s review of the movie which brought up a few more reasons why this movie entertained me…
1. It seems like simplified morals are in lately in movies. Think “Avatar” and “9”– both remarkable visually– but kinda hit you over the head with a “well, DUH!” message. I actually thought this one played it out only a little more slyly. It’s true, religion can both heal a society– but is also two seconds away from destroying it as well. Really it is best held in Malcolm McDowell’s-eerrrr academia’s hands, to be treated as knowledge, and not verdict.
2. I’m amused that all of civilization lies at Alcatraz, in my homestate. 😛
That’s all I have for now.