Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of DUE DATE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Wolfmother – New Moon Rising

[Press ‘Play’ for a well over due track]

Ramblings: Dude Date

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a college dorm? The guys are pretty cool and funny but nowhere near intellectual and they crack you the hell up and how often do you laugh out loud so hard the beer comes out your nose? It’s not the kind of night where you’ll be talking about it for years and maybe no one is gonna call it “Epic” or but you may get one or two “Awesomes” from the guys. It’s about as much fun as you can have with 3-2 beer and no chicks without leaving the room, but still, you can have a shitload of fun with 3-2 beer, no chicks and without leaving the room despite the fact the room is decorated in sophomoric soviet bloc party. It’s not the kind of night you get tattoos, jailed or religion the day after it was so intense but if these guys threw another party, you’d pro’lly go for sure. That’s what Due Date was like.

This is the movie that was by the same director who did The Hangover, which i loved and which, if you’ll recall, won the Alkie for Best Alcoholic Motion Picture at last year’s bArCADEMY AwkWARDS. i was looking forward to seeing this for a while especially because it got a lot of publicity here in Yeaman after the big success of Very Bad Trip (which, i kid you not, was the title of The Hangover here). And just like that dependable Pizza Hut guy and his crappy scooter after you’ve started in on your second 6-pack, Due Date delivers. And that pizza is gonna taste really fucking good while you eat it but hell, it’s fast food and the next day you’ll forget about it and want more when, like the booze detective you are, you crack the next case.

Plus it’s got Robert Downey Jr. Just in case you don’t know, i’m a big RD jr fan, both professionally and personally. He’s an extremely talented actor who’s capable of bringing a little of himself into the wide range of roles he plays, which makes his characters more human and less caricatural; and i also admire him on a personal level for being able to tame his demons and get his shit together. i want good things to happen to Robert Downey Jr, ‘s what i’m saying. Oh yeah, he’s also very good as the ‘straight’ guy in this “On the Road to Ruin” movie.

Zach Glakakfiaknakis (or whatever; he should really change his name to Zack Glack) has a good time yukking it up as Ethan Tremblay / Ethan Chase , who isn’t a whole lot different than the guy he played in The Hangover. Which is kinda good because Zach has this role nailed and that means we don’t get screwed.

Like a fart when you’re on the can, Due Date is toilet humor you won’t get anything substantial from, but still will make you feel better.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

What a waste. You put all these (OK, 2) really hot girls in an R rated movie and then forget about them. i get this is a “buddy movie” but guess what, buddies like beautiful ladies and are not averse to seeing a little skin. i have lots of Buds and that never stopped me from appreciating gorgeous women.

You know how i know this was rated R (other than seeing the big letter on the movie poster)? ‘Cause of the scene where the buddies have to sleep in the car and Peter (Robert Downey Jr) can’t sleep because of a noise that turns out to be Ethan (Zach Galifianakis)  beating off in the front seat. And then Sonny, Ethan’s dog, starts beating off, too. That’s what passes for sex in Due Date.

Unfortunately, there are no similar scenes with Michelle Monaghan (34), who plays Peter Highman’s (Robert Downey Jr) pregnant wife, Sara. i knew about Michelle Monoghan from before because i fell in love with her and her character in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang,  one of the most underrated movies ever (where, interestingly enough, she shares the screen with Robert Downey Jr). i haven’t seen her in a lot of stuff since then but i’ve missed her so it was bittersweet to see her in Due Date. i was a little bitter because she’s in the movie for all of ten seconds, but it was sweet because she is and because her biggest problem in life is having to go around everywhere apologizing to everyone for being so much more beautiful than they are. Here’s what i’m talking about.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s more Michelle shots down there in my drawers; just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

And the good news doesn’t stop there because guess who else was in this. Just kidding, you don’t have to guess, it was Juliette Lewis (37). If you remember the Booze Revooze of Whip It then you remember that i think Juliette Lewis is the end all be all of wicked coolness except for Miss D. She only had kind of a cameo in Due Date as Heidi the medicinal pot grower but even with this little bud of a role she was smokin’ hot and talented. Like this.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Definitely Juliette shots in my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

There was only one silken butterfly (you can check out what that means if you click here and read my AlKHall-hics; A Glossary) but it’s OK because when your silken butterfly is Nathalie Fay. She was already really good as Lisa in The Hangover and this time she rocked as the flight attendant. If you see Nathalie around anywhere, can you ask her to come by the Bar None for an interview?

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

For those of you more into Dudes than Dates (and now that the Girls with Prius Envy have been hanging out here kinda regular, i have to make sure they get some eye shots as well) i have, first, the man himself. Robert Downey Jr. (45)

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

In an exceptional move, i got some guy shots of him in my drawers. What can i say? i told you i’m building an alter [sick] to him.

There’s also Jamie Foxx (42) who i already talked about being drunk in some past dregs. First off, here’s what he looks like normal.

And then here’s what that looks like in the Bar None.

Drink: 1 shot

Let’s see what we got here. The movie starts out with Ethan (Zack Glack—hey, i’m giving it a shot) by a guy drunk driving him to the airport. The guy hits Peter Highman’s (Robert Downy Jr) car and Peter says that he smelled alcohol on the driver and was he drunk. To which Ethan replies, “We haven’t been drinking. We just shared a 6-pack. Of 40s.”

That’d be it for the booze. Maybe i should go back and knock it down a half shot.

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

i’ll just put this out there right now. i think Todd Phillips (the director), has great taste in music. i loved the soundtrack to The Hangover and Due Date was just as good. There’s a nice mix of classic / modern / rock / hip hop / traditional / TV themes that really suits the movie well. In addition to the Wolfmother i posted up top, there’s this beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace by Rod Stewart.

Here’s the breakdown of the tuneage.

• Sam & Dave – Hold On I’m Comin’
• Billy Currington – People Are Crazy
• Cream – The White Room
• Wolfmother – New Moon Rising
• Danny McBride- Closing Time
• Fleet Foxes – Mykonos
• MIMS – This Is Why I’m Hot
• Neil Young – Old Man (Live At Massey Hall)
• Pink Floyd – Hey You
• Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane
• Band of Horses – Is There A Ghost
• Rod Stewart – Amazing Grace
• Ice Cube featuring Chuck D – Check Ya Self 2010
• Theme from Two And A Half Men

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Alan R. Cohen, Alan Freedland, Adam Sztykiel, Todd Phillips

Directed by: Todd Phillips

Starring

• Robert Downey Jr. – Peter Highman
• Zach Galifianakis – Ethan Tremblay / Ethan Chase
• Michelle Monaghan – Sarah Highman
• Juliette Lewis – Heidi
• Nathalie Fay – Flight Attendant

Bottom Line

This movie is a slut: if you’re just looking for a good time with nothing serious, you should definitely hook up.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Michelle Monaghan (34)

Michelle Monaghan in the Bar None

Juliette Lewis (37)

Juliette Lewis in the Bar None

Robert Downey Jr (45)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Amanda Palmer on the Juiced-box

(Note: All photos link to Amanda Palmer’s website.)

Remember all that stuff you don’t know about me? Here’s another one.

The Bar None has tons of closets and i’m coming out of one right now. i’m a kinda feminist.

i’m a kinda feminist because, while i like boobs (and hell, come one, let’s be honest, everyone likes boobs, what’s there not to like?) and one or two risqué photos have slipped past my usually eagle eye and found their way onto my site and yes, there were a couple posts that were politically incorrect enough to piss off even Miss Demeanor—who has a very fucking high threshold for that kind of shit—still i maintain that i’m a kinda feminist.

Like i like chick music. And not just the good stuff either; i like it all. Really, like Taylor Momsen and The Pretty Reckless. True blue feminism, bros and bras.

And in the 80’s i was into Sinead O’Connor long before she didn’t want what she hadn’t got and there were the singers you didn’t even know about like Toni Childs. i was onto Tori Amos before Trent Reznor and had bootlegged copies of Ani DiFranco on something we old timers used to call “cassettes” (that’s it, sound it out). Michelle Shocked didn’t shock me though her Texas Campfire Tapes warmed my cold cold heart. And the Indigo Girls…ahh, the Indigo Girls. The first 5 songs of Indigo Girls tore me up in ways you can’t even begin to spell. Of course the was also Sarah McLachlan and i saw Alanis Morissette in a club smaller than your high school gym. Melissa Etheridge, Tracy Chapman, even Suzanne Vega. And these are just the folkies! Don’t get me started on Billie Holiday or Joan Jett or Etta James or Cecilia Bartoli… OK, i’m bored now of trying to establish my feminist cred and if you haven’t bought it yet, you’re never going to.

Anyway, i discovered this kick ass singer/songwriter who, as is her wont (and her job) wrote and sang a kick ass song. i now give center stage at the Bar None over to Amanda Palmer who will be singing “Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass“. My fellow alkies, give it up for Amanda!

[Press ‘Play’ for the floored show; DOWNLOAD AN OFFICIAL AND FREE COPY OF THE SONG HERE]

Here are the killer lyrics and i won’t have to explain why she has her place in the Bar None juiced-box:

when i was six years old my sister alyson

asked for a stove for her birthday

a miniature one you could actually cook with

and my mom was nice and she bought one

alyson needed a reason to bake something

barged in my room and she grabbed me

she said:

“i made a cake and we’re going next door

to sam weinstein’s and you’re getting married”

the cake was burned

it tasted gross

she made me kiss him

on the mouth

now i am 33

unmarried happily

no plans in life and i’m planning to keep it that way

i do kissing with only one mission

do you like to kiss? then you have my permission

and i have already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i just want to make out all the time

you can bet your black ass that i’m going to

when i was nine i was kind of a loser

the kids in my class didn’t like me

melanie chow was the meanest of all

and my mom made me go to her party

nobody talked to me i sat there quietly

drawing with crayons on a napkin

a picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork

her legs getting eaten by lions

the cake was good

i took some home

i had a party

in my room

now i have friends and i’m not such a loser

but i go to bars all alone and i sit there

and order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people

yes that’s how i like it

and i’ve already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine

you can bet your black ass that i’m going to

yes i come here often

sure i’ll have another one

yes i come here often

sure i’ll have another one

but i don’t have to talk to you

when i was 17 i was a blowjob queen

picking up tips from the masters

i was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after

now i’m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)

i don’t make love now to make people love me

but i don’t mind sharing my gift with the planet

we’re all gonna die and a blowjob’s fantastic

and

when i was 25 i was a rock star

but it didn’t pay too well i had to strip on the side

of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by

baby they’d never know

what a bargain they’d gotten

and if i’m forgotten

i’m perfectly happy with all that has happened

and i still get laughed at but it doesn’t bother me

i’m just so glad to hear laughter around me

and i’ve already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate

or look like a dyke

or wear high heels and lipstick

or hide in a convent

or try to be mayor

or marry a writer

smoke crack and slash tires

make jokes you don’t like

or paint ducks and retire

YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I’M GOING TO

Take a bow for the peeps, Amanda.

Dregs of the Week: November 1 – 12, 2010 (and whenever else i feel like)

Drunken Chinese Wallpaper - Click on Shot for the Paper

Gettin’ a little sloppy with the dregs these last couple weeks. Too many dregs and not enough time to contain them. Like i got an eel up an ass, twin Mexican midget wrestlers, a drunk guy shooting off more than his mouth, sacrificial goat drunkards, numb anesthesiologists, bad Brandi, firerobbers, and oh so way too much more, like…

Cool Headlines is this Dregs’ mini-theme–’cause i’m gonna find a topic from now on for the dregs posts until i don’t feel like it anymore.

From the juiced-box and by request by In The Same Boat: Teenage Fanclub – Alcoholiday

Commoner Dregs

May 03: Man Reportedly Dies After Eel Is Inserted In His Rectum

With friends like these, who needs enemas. A 59-year-old Chinese guy passed out from too much drink so his friends decided to shove a 20-inch eel up his ass. Apparently this is what passes as a joke in China, at least until your buddy doesn’t wake up. Ever. Turns out the eel made sushi of the guy’s intestines, proving once again that it’s all fun and games until someone loses a bowel. Now that’s some sick shit.

Nov 16: Carolee Bildsten Stiffs Joe’s Crab Shack, Tries to Beat Cop With a Dildo

Carolee Bildsten, a 56-year-old in Gurnee, Illinois loves crabs. She loves the crabs so much that she went to a crab shack (am i the only one who this makes think of My Name Is Earl?) one time and ran out on the bill and got away with it. But then she loved those damn crabs so much that she went back for seconds just a couple weeks after but got pinched. The staff remembered her and called the cops after she bailed and the cops caught up with her lazy ass as she lay passed out on the lawn of a nearby Six Flags fun park because it was apparently the most trailer park thing she could find in the area. She tells the arresting officer’s she’s got money in her dresser at home, so they take her there, she reaches deep into her drawers (in the dresser) and pulls out a “clear, rigid feminine pleasure device,” according to the po-po. Yes—first she stiffed the restaurant and now she wanted to shaft the police by attacking him with her dildo. Fortunately, she was too drunk to polish the cop off with it.

[AlKHallism: Special shout out to my brother and regular In The Same Boat who found this online and brought it into the Bar None.]

Nov 1: Bar Shooting may be from Gun in Pants

Is that a gun in your pants or you just shooting a wad? In Michigan, police got the call of a reported gunshot in a bar, but when they got there only the patrons were loaded. A little later, a guy goes to the emergency room with a gunshot wound to his groin and part of his scrotum missing. Turns out he went in half-cocked, and then left the same way.

Less "Cock" More "Tail" in the Lounge

June 2, 2009: Wrestling Midgets Killed by Fake Hookers

Twin Mexican midget wrestlers got team tagged by fake prostitutes last year. Alberto and Alejandro Pérez Jiménez came up a little short when they picked up fake prostitutes that worked for the mob who drugged their alcoholic drinks [AlKHallism: yep, that’d be the reason it’s here in the dregs]. It was a tall order, but apparently not that uncommon for the ladies. Only problem was, the chicks didn’t count on the midgets’ weight, and the dose that normally knocked out normal people was strong enough to floor the twins for life. Always look a gift whore in the mouth.

Oct 17: 10 Killed in Drunken Goat Sacrifice Ceremony

40,000 Indians got drunk at the Tildiha village temple in Bihar praying to Durga, the goddess. They all had to sacrifice their goats and everyone wanted to be first and so there was a stampede and 10 people’s goats got gotten. Don’t drink and devote, dudes.

Bar None Artists' Hallucination

Oh My Goddess

Oct 16: Finnish Anchorman is Sacked for Swigging Beer Live on Air

Are you Finnish yet? Kimmo Wilska is a TV anchorman in a country called Finland that has absolutely no sun, no summer and no sense of humor. After doing a story about fines served to bars who had illegally sold booze, Wilska decided to brighten the somber land by pretending to stash a beer he was pretending to sip. The station fired him. He didn’t get his job back. Please don’t make me die and go to Finland.

Click on the Image to See the Video

Oct 16: World’s Largest Pink Hangover

Rosangel Tequila did a nice thing for breast cancer awareness and gays everywhere the other day in Las Vegas when they made a margarita with over 6000 bottles of pink tequila, setting a world record. Soon after that record, there were several others set, like largest ocean of fuchsia barf and biggest orgy of uni-breasted women with homosexual men.

Oct 17: $6,000 Sample of World’s Oldest Whisky Goes Missing

Mac-Fail: i'll give you back the sample in 20 minutes. It'll have a twang to it.

A 200-milliliter bottle of 70-year-old scotch was lifted from the Stockholm Beer & Whiskey show. i confess: my friends stuck it up my rectum when i was Pabst out and when i woke up it was the shit. Someone get a cup and call Guiness because in about 20 minutes i’m gonna take the most expensive leak in history.

Oct 16: Forget Me, Save the Beer

While i’m on the subject of stealing, these volunteer firefighters in British Columbia put out a hotel fire and heroically rescued several kegs of beer. The kegs were so grateful, they insisted the firefighters take them back to the station and give them mouth to mouth until they were drained. No charges will be pressed against these valiant Canadians.

Oct 15: Guy Gets Fired for Doing His Job

Ashok V Padhiar, this anesthesiologist in Pennsylvania got busted last May for minding his own business, and by “minding his own business”, i mean anesthetizing himself into oblivion in the front seat of his car, which is his own business in just about every way you wanna take it. He was busted for drunk driving even if he wasn’t driving, but he was definitely drunk because his BAC was 0.26% which puts him 3 times over the legal limit to drive, and apparently the legal limit to sit passed out in your front seat.

Oct 12: Friends Don’t Let Friends Do This

“Yes, we were naked and drinking beer and listening to Bob Dylan on the front porch of our trailer at the lion and tiger sanctuary. But we didn’t run around, you can’t pin that on us.” This is what Jake Loftis and Samuel Adams told authorities. See, some other dudes were putting in an air conditioner on the giant pussy farm where they worked and these other dudes stole $180 bucks cash. So Sam & Jake reported them but the other guys said they saw bongs and shit in Sam & Jake’s place, so the boss fired Sam & Jake. To fight this (and mostly just to prove they were alkie asshats), the boys got drunk and decided on a protest that turned out to be a big boner. i wonder if there were any Cougars on the pussy ranch.

Jake Loftis and Samuel Adams Mugshot

Celebrity Dregs

Nov 10: Demi Lovato is in Rehab…i’m Serious.

From the juiced-box: Demi Lovato – La La Land

[Press ‘Play’ for where you’ll find Demi]

i’ve decided to take the high road as opposed to the “high” road on this one. It’d be all easy for me make all these sexual innuendo’s about her being so young but of age and drunk and i could probably work in some Disney puns as well (The Lyin’ Queen, The Little Barmaid, Malice in Wonderland and that took just 5 minutes; imagine if i tried!). Miss D has been yelling at me for being too cruel on these poor little bitch girls and to be honest, with most of her shit hitting the fan before she became an “adult”, i wouldn’t feel good about trashing Demi and a half when she’s down. So, i’ll just say i feel bad for Demi Lovato who has a lot of issues she’s working through and i sincerely wish her the best and hope she gets some of her problems resolved in rehab. Good luck and be strong, petite fille.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Oct 29: Too Much Brandi

There’s this guy no one’s ever heard of named Eddie Cibrian who’s on this show no one’s ever watched called Northern Lights. Shitbrain married a makeup “artist” (a Picasso of the compact, no doubt; you should see her “rouge” period) no one ever heard of called Brandi Glanville. They had kids no one will ever hear of and then he left his wife for another chick, an actress on his show no one ever heard of called LeAnnRimes. Anyway, Brandi got busted for DUI, though no one cared enough to note what her BAC was.

Where Do You Keep Your Nipples?

Brandi Glanville in the Bar None

A Major thanks to Wayne Buchanan and In The Same Boat who have been good enough to help me fill in the dregs this week. Their tireless work for nothing more than virtual free drinks at the Bar None is much appreciated. For anyone who finds themselves reading this, if you come across any news that’s shit to print, please feel free to contact me through my Facebook page. And don’t forget to friend me. i’ll get on your case as soon as i’m able.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of SAW 3D: THE FINAL CHAPTER

 

Click on this poster to see a much cooler 3D poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Default – Turn It On

[Press ‘Play’ for a song as stale as the plot of the movie]

Ramblings: Don’t See Saw

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with an ’80s TV star? It’s OK if they’re boring as hell and keep regurgitating the same shit they’ve been doing since you were a kid because, let’s face it, your parents are exactly like that and you love them anyway. No, the problem with the ’80s TV star is that he sits there in his pink pastel sports coat and white t-shirt drinking fuzzy navel upon fuzzy navel and he thinks he’s still cool, he thinks he’s still original and that people like him even if every episode of his sitcom is exactly the same with the same jokes and the same plot line and the same intrigue. He thinks he’s fooling you because he honestly and truly believes you don’t realize you’ve been watching him vomit the same vomit he’s been vomiting since the beginning. That’s kinda the way it is with Saw 3D: The Final Chapter.

A good reviewer (or me) should judge a movie based on what the movie wants to be. It’s not fair to watch Animal House and bitch about how it doesn’t have a good narrative arc and what piddling exposition there is comes exclusively through dialog. If you watch Animal House and it cracks you up like crack, then it’s a good movie. A good horror movie is supposed to freak you out, a good gorn (gore porn) movie is supposed to make you cringe in your seat. Saw 3D made me cringe, but for all the wrong reasons.

I Couldn't Tear Myself Away

The “tests” started off pretty cool with a slut and the two guys she was cheating on suspended in a shop window and the two guys had to decide which of them would be shredded by a table saw, or they could chose the girl. All of this with a whole street full of people watching outside on the sidewalk and photographing everything with cell phone. So yeah, i liked the beginning and the settled in for a wonderful blood fest. That never happened.

There was actually a plot and not an easy plot but a plot it took hours to set up and then when it was there it looked like a retarded drawing done by a third grader with ADD issues and way too much unsupervised time on GTA. Nobody cared. We just wanted more freaky gore but apparently the blood bank was as empty as the writer’s well because the only buzz here did not come from the Saw but from the beers i snuck in. Don’t believe me and think i’m just saying that to look cool but really i’m a lying poseur? This is what a real movie reviewer looks like when he sits down to watch a movie, y’all.

Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter had bad dream sequences, back story that came across as back talk and a plot that was cared for about as much as a a skank with a festering cold sore in a men’s room holding stale British beer with a cigarette butt floating in it. You know what’s truly frightening about this shit? “Final Chapter” is used here with all the sincerity of an Eagles farewell tour so please please please don’t see this so they won’t have a good reason to put me through this again.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Some very hot women but they were as naked as a jaybird…if the jaybird was wearing an overcoat on top of a sweater with a straight jacket hiding a chastity belt underneath.

Which may not be such a bad thing, considering Betsy Russell (47), who is a fine actress who also had some kind of surgery that turned on her like [AlKHallism: i actually self-censored here; i just wanted y’all to know i had an incredibly funny comparison here but i deleted it because it was just plain mean and that’s not what we’re about in the Bar None. NO HATERS!].  In addition to the Before / After shots i’m sticking in my drawers, there’s already this collage.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Gina Holden (35) plays Bobby’s wife and spends most of the movie on her knees and in chains, if you’re into that kink of thing. Looks like this, in case you are.

There’s some shots i’m keeping warm for you in my drawers, but let’s kick this off with a collage.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Wrapping up this section, there’s the loveliest and intelligentest actress, Naomi Snieckus, who appears as Nina the publicist or the agent or something who’s promoting a survivor’s story. i’m not gonna shoot my wad of photos here because this splendid creature has been gracious enough to an interview so i’m gonna pace myself and save some for later.

Silken Butterflies

Which leaves us with those Silken Butterflies (which is explained in the link right up there if you wanna know). Kicking them off, we get Gabby West who is so cool i’m gonna link in her IMDB page because i’m just that kind of out there generous. i’m not sure i understood everything because there were lots of big words and they were tough to sound out, but i think it’s like Gabby won a Scream Queen reality show and part of the prize was for her to be in Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter and she was in it and she looked great but even better, she did a great job acting and i hope she gets the chance to do more great acting and looking great like this.

[2011-04-09 AlKHallism: And guess what…all this brown nosing paid off because i’m in the midst of editing the interview she gave me. Go West, young man.]

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

You think that looks good, you should see her in my drawers, down below.

There’s also Rebecca Marshall, who played “Suzanne” and i’ll be damned if i can remember who “Suzanne” was, other than she must of been super good looking because she looked like this.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Yeah yeah, drawer shots “down there”, just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

Wrapping up the talent part of our show, we got Larissa Gomes, who did a splendid job as “Emily”. This is sweet Larissa.

For those of you who are more into bones than flesh, there was Cary Elwes (48), who Miss Demeanor would be pissed at me for if i didn’t mention he was Wesley / Dread Pirate Roberts in the film version of The Princess Bride.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s also this other actor called Sean Patrick Flanery (45) who did a lot of stuff about Indiana Jones as a kid when he was a kid. Here’s kinda what he looks like now.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Drink: 0 Shots

The only thing remotely resembling a drink in this mess was the guy, Bobby, came up with his “brilliant” idea that was doomed to backfire after becoming a twist that isn’t so twisty but more like a wedgy in bar. There was probably a beer on the counter i couldn’t be bothered to look hard enough for.

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

i’m kinda bored here, i mean “torn”, because there wasn’t a shitload of rock in the movie but the incidental music they did have was kinda cool but there was a soundtrack with sorta heavy metal tracks but they weren’t really in the movie so it was more like “heavy metal inspired by the movie Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter” which isn’t bad but, let’s be honest, wasn’t all that inspired, either. All this mess melts down to 2 shots as regards the rock.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan

Directed by: Kevin Greutert

Starring

Betsy Russell – Jill

Gina Holden – Joyce

Naomi Snieckus – Nina

Rebecca Marshall – Suzanne

Gabby West – Kara

Larissa Gomes – Emily

Cary Elwes – Dr. Gordon

Sean Patrick Flanery – Bobby

Bottom Line

3D? You want 3D. i got some fuckin’ 3D for you: Don’t Do Dis. It Saw-ful.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Betsy Russell (47)

Before - After

Gina Holden (35)

Gina Holden in the Bar None

Rebecca Marshall

Gabby West

 

Gabby West in the Bar None

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE SOCIAL NETWORK

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross – A Familiar Taste

[Press ‘Play’ for proof that Reznor nails the mood]

Ramblings: Unlike

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know you get drunk with a geek? He’s nice enough and super intelligent and saves you booze and money because he doesn’t drink all that much but he speaks in code and operates on a completely different program. Drinking with him is interesting and the conversation looks good on paper but the night’s missing the same thing the guy and his laptop are: heart. Technically, he’s OK but ends up a little 2-dimensional and even if you admire his technique, you leave the bar with the feeling he made nice wallpaper but lacked the depth to make your drive hard. Geeks have more brain than balls, is what it comes down to. That’s what it was like with The Social Network.

David Fincher is a good director, you can tell because i liked some of the movies he did like Fight Club, The Game, Se7en and Panic Room. Course he also did Zodiac and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Unfortunately, rum to my head, i’d have to say that The Social Network falls into the latter category of movies that are, like computers, technically perfect but have CPUs where their guts should be. There’s not enough humanity in The Social Network to make me care about any of these people and that just makes seeing this movie like watching an internet slideshow of someone else’s vacation. Beautiful shots and well-executed but who cares?

Which is not to say i didn’t feel anything during the movie. i felt jealousy that some computer geek is the youngest billionaire in the world while i’m way cooler than he is but keep sliding off the poverty level. It’s almost like our society rewards intelligent go-getters instead of slacking drunk dreamers with great ideas and a 6-pack.

The actors did decent jobs, just like programs in this software package, and the movie ran smoothly without too many bugs and very few glitches. Still, are more applications and fewer basics too much to ask for?

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

To get you in the mood for this section, i got some White Stripes on tap in the juiced-box and from the soundtrack.

[Press ‘Play’ for The White Stripes – Ball and Biscuit, then keep reading for biscuits and balls]

Sex: 2 Shots

PG-13, need i say more? There was some good stuff, like co-eds kissing each other and stripping because they were bussed into a rich kids’ frat party and everyone knows if you’re a chick you’ll do anything as long as you can hang out with rich kids.

Also at the beginning we get to meet Erica Albright (played ever so deliciously by the beautiful and even more talented Rooney Mara) dumping Mark Zuckerberg (played ever so well by Jesse Eisenberg). She plays Zuckerberg’s muse, whose dumping him inspired him to greatness even if he never got over it. Just after the nuclear dumping, he goes back to his apartment and writes a program making it possible for students at Harvard to compare girls’ photos and the rest is history.

i like Rooney Mara and not just because she’s a 25-year-old hottie with a hot sister (27-year-old Kate Mara who i exposé here). She’s a 25-year-old hottie–with a hot sister–who can actually act. (Also, Miss Demeanor is convinced 47-year-old David Fincher is on that Road to Rooney which explains why he put her in here and also as the lead in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.) Here’s a tribute to Mara, to Mara, “i love ya” to Mara:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

i got tons of Rooney down in my drawers; scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

Another recurring role is that of the lawyer Marylin Delpy and Rashida Jones (34) portrays her with a perfect amount of guarded compassion. Plus, she looks exactly this good. Oh yeah.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Plus i got drawer shots of her all up in my drawers down there.

The only other hot girl in a major role is ex-Disney (maybe, but this is my blog and if i say it with enough authority it’ll sound official enough to start a rumor) child starlette but now 22-year-old real babe Brenda Song, who plays Christy, controlling whack-job girlfriend of Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin. Here’s Brenda Song, who can give me any kinda job she wants.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Yeah, yeah, i got more drawer shots of her for a Song.

There’s this one scene with Christy (Brenda Song) banging Eduardo Saverin (played competently by Andrew Garfield) in a bathroom stall with Mark Zuckerberg banging Alice in the next one. Here’s the gorgeous and talented young lady they gave the role of Zuckerberg’s first groupie to, Malese Jow (at the tender age of 19-years-old).

Silken Butterflies

Speaking of Silken Butterflies (and if you don’t know what that means all you have to do is click on the link up there, yo), there were buttloads of Silken Butterflies in this movie. Case in point is the splendid Dakota Johnson (21) who is not only a sometime model but also the byproduct of gene splicing Melanie Griffith with Don’s Johnson. She does a totally smoking job as Amelia Ritter, Napster founder Sean Parker’s (Justin Timberlake) one night stand who wears Stanford panties and introduces Parker to “The Facebook”. Here’s what happens when Don’s Johnson meets Melanie’s Griffith.

Drawer. Shots. Scroll. Down.

Remember how before i was talking about hot girls doing the nasty just to get into the rick kinds’ club? One of them was the very sweet looking Alecia Svensen, who seems way too sweet to be so 2-dimensional.

To save time, whaddya say we go through the rest of these alphabetically, by first name?

For example, there’s the magnificent red headed Marcella Lentz-Pope, who has a way too brief appearance as Erica’s roommate and is the one who gets to break the news to her that Zuckerberger blogged about her and made crass jokes about her breast size.

Drawers. Trust me.

After that there’s Mariah Bonner as Tori, a hottie who dates Sean Parker (who i already told you is played by Justin Timberlake). 

Blah blah blah blah blah drawers.

Wrapping up the Silken Butterflies is the 18-year-old Shelby Young. Who really is. She plays K.C., one of the friends of the rich crowd. She looks as good as this and has talent to back it up.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

For those of you who prefer Hard-drives to Software, there’s Justin Timberlake (29) who appears as Napster creator and brains investor in Facebook (for example, we learn that Sean Parker is the one who had the idea to drop the article from the beginning of “the facebook”). Timbers did a solid job with the role, blending audacity and insecurity perfectly to create the complex contradiction that is the essence of human existence. (Shit, sorry, accidentally got a little sober on your asses.)

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

The dude who really impressed the hell out of me, though, is this guy called Armie Hammer and i really wonder if that’s his real name and his parents really named him after baking soda. (Ugh, just did more research than you’ll care to hear about…in a nutsack, “Armie” is really “Armand” and was named after his great grandfather, the philanthropist “Armand Hammer” who may, in fact have been named after the Arm & Hammer Baking Soda.)

Way more interesting is the choice that Fincher made to cast one guy to play real life twins. Here’s a shot of the Winklevoss twins, Cameron and Tyler, and some anonymous guy drinking a beer who’s not me.

So Fincher made the choice to use one guy to play both brothers and the bet paid off big time. Miss Demeanor and i were both shocked to learn that it was only one guy and not twins who played the role. So here’s what Armie-Man looks like.

In another bold and surprising move, Armie is the first guy i’ll let in my drawers and not just because he’s kinda cute and i’d pro’lly do him if i was drunk enough and he was wearing a scotch suit. Nope, it’s because there are so many Bar None shots i can use of him that i gotta put them somewhere and that’s just what the drawers were built for. Stay tuned and look out below.

Drink: 1 Shot

While alcohol wasn’t a key factor in the film, there was enough of it here that i gotta give it at least a solid 3 shots. Sure, it’s easy to spray your movie full of booze references when you’re talking about university aged kids in college and shit, but still…

From my notes, then:

• Erica [Rooney Mara] with beer at the beginning. She doesn’t drink the beer. Age? [In fact, at 25, she is over legal drinking age.]
• Tons of beer in the fridge and all over at the Final Club party
• Mixed drinks and imported babes at the Final Club party
• Whiskey at Final Club – Phoenix
• Lots of college booze in apartments

• Mark Zuckerberg is buzzed when he hacks Harvard’s computer and develops a program to compare coeds’ looks
• In this same scene, he also blogs insults about Erica and she can never forgive him
• Erica drinks wine later in the restaurant
• At a restaurant with Sean Parker [Justin Timberlake], he asks the underage Christy [Brenda Song] what she’d like to drink and she nervously replies, “Appletinis”. To which Sean responds by telling the waitress, “We’ll have four of those,” much to Christy’s delight.
• Drinking game interview where the candidates have to drink whiskey shots while hacking and the two who do the best win the internships
• Cocktails in the trendy club in Cali

• Champagne at rowing event
• Homemade margaritas at house with facebook team
• Party at house, teenage girls doing a good job of acting drunk

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

Two shots and they’re all Trent Reznor, my patronizers. Yep, Trent Reznor, aka Nine Inch Nails, did the soundtrack to this puppy along with some English guy named Atticus Ross (who programmed and/or produced a lot of Trent’s shit in the past). It’s not “Head Like A Hole” but it fits the tone of the movie perfectly.

i already gave you the sample up top, in the intro to this bad boy. Plus i hooked you up with The White Stripes before we got into the buzz kills. Polishing off this post like a five dollar hooker on her last knob of the night, here’s another song from the film and the juiced-box: The Beatles – Baby, You’re a Rich Man.

[Press ‘Play’ for a not so subtle reminder of Zuckerberg’s status]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Ben Mezrich (book The Accidental Billionaires)

Aaron Sorki (screenplay)

Directed by: David Fincher

Starring

Rooney Mara – Erica Albright

Rashida Jones – Marylin Delpy

Brenda Song – Christy

Malese Jow – Alice

Dakota Johnson – Amelia Ritter

Shelby Young – K.C.

Alecia Svensen – Girl at Phoenix Club

Marcella Lentz-Pope – Erica’s Roommate

Mariah Bonner – Tori

Jesse Eisenberg – Mark Zuckerberg

Andrew Garfield – Eduardo Saverin

Justin Timberlake – Sean Parker

Armie Hammer – Cameron Winklevoss / Tyler Winklevoss

Bottom Line

The Social Network is not so “social” and too much “network”. Still, you could see it for Reznor’s soundtrack and a lesson in the technical aspects of film making.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Rooney Mara (25)

Rashida Jones (34)

Rashida Jones in the Bar None

Brenda Song (22)

Dakota Johnson (21)

Shelby Young (18)

Marcella Lentz-Pope

Mariah Bonner

Armie Hammer (24) in the Bar None

 

Jessica Stroup & Armie Hammer Deep Inside in the Bar None

Armie Hammer in the Bar None

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Finally!

Horror Barbie Blog

i know y’all remember when the tender and grisly Devanny Pinn (a Silken Butterfly in Piranha 3D) agreed to do a Booze Talkin’ interview with yours drool-y. Since then, she’s been a busy little beaver and has started a great new blog with the coolest blog name. Ever. Horror Barbie Blog.

For those of you who like blood, babes and Barbie, Devanny has started a blog coagulating her latest news, interviews (mine even gets a mention, but there are some good ones too), trailers and photos.

Stop by, check it out and if you’re not too afraid, leave a comment saying you saw it all here at the Bar None.

Hot Rodney’s Manifestive

My Fellow Alcoholics,

Just like one of those slow claps in the movies, others have joined the groundswell that was In The Same Boat’s Manifestive. The latest addition to the team is Rodney from Fernby Films, as regular as anyone else here at the Bar None. i’d like to thank him for taking the time to write all this stuff down, and if you’re half as decent as i know you are, you’ll thank him too in the comments down under.

By the way, if anyone else out there lurking in the shadows of the Bar None feels inspired to write a treaties of your own, you’re more than welcome to fertilize this grass roots movement with your own shit. The more the drunker, as i always say.

With that, i turn you over to Rodney and his “Non-drinker’s Manifestive”.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Rodney, i give you AC/DC – Have a Drink On Me.

[Press ‘Play’ for real men at work]

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I write this homily somewhat in response to In The Same Boat’s article from earlier this month, in which he captures the essence of the struggling alcoholic perfectly. It’s also a kind of manifesto of my own – on why I don’t get plastered every weekend alongside some of my work collegues and friends.

I’ve hung about the Bar None for a while now, at least I think long enough to be justified in some comments on what I’ve noticed around the place. Al’s been kind enough to spot me a drink on the odd occasion, and the stool at the end of the bar, down there near that fella with the biker beard and knuckle-dusters, that’s my usual haunt. I’m far enough away from the general patronage to not be one of them, and close enough to hear what the hell goes on down there. Some of the behaviour among patrons of the Bar None, while certainly amusing at times, occasionally is quite disturbing – the drunken actions of the folks by the dart board, the near misses in the mens urinal, and the rather sloppy egress via the front door notwithstanding, generally people keep themselves upright and shipshape on most occasions. But not all. Sometimes, it’s not pretty.

I write as somebody who isn’t a shambolic drunkard, a rambling slurperson (great wordplay Al, if I may say so) imbibing far more alcohol than is sensible for a person of my particular body weight; instead, I write as an observer, a casual drinker with little experience at gutter-waking or toilet-barfing. Which, considering where I live, is pretty weird. Weird in what way, Rodney? Glad you asked, valiant reader.

Australia, which most people know as a former English penal colony, has become a modern semi-utopian drinkers paradise, with some of the most lax drinking laws anywhere in the alcoholic world. Although the legal drinking age is 18, most school age kids plaster themselves across side-walks and recreational reserves across the country just about every weekend, such is the ease with which substance abuse can be obtained. Our claim to fame isn’t just the best ever Olympic Games ever held anywhere in the known cosmos, but for the hard-drinking, Kangaroo riding, sheep herding cattle rustling Ned Kelly shooting ball-sack flicking manly man image presented in various films and TV shows we export across the globe: an image not entirely unwarranted, but far from the actual truth. Paul Hogan fucked us forever with his Crocodile Dundee character, the release of which caused a seismic shift in perceptions of Australia from a baby-eating-dingo one to a “THAT’S-a-knife” knockabout larrakin one – an image which has gradually caused more embarrassment than pride in recent years. It’s like saying the entire population of Tennessee is representative of the population of America. Steve “Shove my finger up a snakes ass and see what it does” Irwin didn’t help matters either, and for his entire life was something of an embarrassment as well; the ocker drawl mixed with the insane bravado of a man with no fear portrayed all over the Discovery Channel. As much as the world now loves Irwin since his death, in life he was once considered a national embarrassment.

But our drinking, the national pastime outside of riding roos and rooting Koalas, is the one thing we can all agree on. Hell, we even stake a claim at having invented the stuff, thanks to Yahoo Serious and his eternally stupid film Young Einstein. Australians claim to be the world best drinkers; a reputation built on our love of sport – drinking at the various venues around the country has increased in recent years as our standards, and our love of the fine drop, has increased as well.

Adelaide, sitting comfortably on the coastline of the Fleurieu Peninsula in South Australia (look it up on a map if you don’t know!) is situated between two major wine regions of our state, and just to the left of another wine-region of growing potential. We have two major beer producing brewery’s in the city, West End and Coopers, which supplies not only our entire state, but pretty much the entire country with their amber ale. To the south, the McLaren Vale wine region looms large, a veritable panoply of vineyards and small pubs in which to intoxicate oneself – perhaps known as the lesser of the states three main wine producing regions, outside of the Barossa and the Coonawarra down towards Victoria. The Barossa, which produces enough wine annually to cover the surface of the Earth twenty times, is your choice of locale for inebriation anywhere in the state; it’s a wine free-for-all, if you’re so inclined, and wine tours of the area are your best bet to get slammed.

What I’m saying is that here in Adelaide, of anywhere in Australia, we have the most opportunity to drink ourselves stupid. Myself, I’m not that big a drinker, although external influences would seem to suggest that perhaps I’m the exception rather than the rule. As a kid, my father would offer me the token sip of beer (which I detest to this day – the beer, not the offer!) as well as a selection of adult drinks including various wines, champagnes and liqueurs. I have to admit that as a youngster, and even now that I’ve matured a little, I’m not fond of the hard stuff as much as I enjoy a tipple of red or white fermented grape. Not because I didn’t have the funds to imbibe as I do these days, but because I didn’t enjoy the taste of the stuff. Alcoholic beverages took a long while to slide their slippery fingers around my palette; but once they did, I found myself open to an entire new world of taste and sensation. However, the lack of practice at drinking to excess has resulted in a deficiency in my body that I’m working to overcome: I have a very small tolerance to alcohol. I’m unable to sustain an upright pose much past three standard drinks. Which means I’m a cheap drunk (a positive?) and an easy lay, should some hot chick decide to jump my bones after a night around the Bar None. That may be the beer goggles talking, but hey, no doubt Al will set me straight if I hook up with a basher, right Al?

So I sit here, propped up at the Bar None main bar with glass of vino in front of me, peering stuperously at the mirror behind Al’s hard liquor, trying to check out just how red my eyes are and if it’s possible to work from “home” today. Not sure how the Bar None goes with a wireless internet connection, or even if Al’s hooked up the telephony machine yet (he is a little lax in that department, I’m told) but I’m damned if I’m gonna go to work smashed. I look on in amazed disbelief at the crazy antics of those who drink to excess, the stumbling alcoholics whose livers would surely require immediate surgery for replacement were they to be inspected then and there.

There’s a few times in my life where I wish I could get myself totally written off to forget my troubles – especially that one time on the farm where I woke up next to the family goat, tied to a stake in the middle of the lawn. Sometimes you wish you could blot out the horror of life, but then, in the clear and un-drunken clarity of regulation life, you find yourself basking in the glory that it presents; the laughter of children, the roar of a hot car, and the post-coital afterglow as you snuggle with the missus.

I’ve never had a problem with alcohol where, like ITSB, it’s taken over my life to the detriment of my social ability and family relationships. I’ve never had to attend an AA meeting, take a 12 step programme to reclaim my life, or apologise to family for variety of drunken escapades to which the only conversation I can remember is the one ending in “… yes officer.” Personally, I find those who pride themselves on this kind of weekly escapade have a deeper issue than just drinking. There’s no reason alcohol can’t be enjoyed responsibly, like many of the patrons of the Bar None do already – but the muddy grasp of deep alcoholism, whereby your life functions include retching in the toilet and trying to maintain an upright stance during the day is one I don’t understand fully. I’m starting to understand it due to the work of many of the fine folks here at the Bar, but never having experienced it, either for myself or through somebody I know personally, leaves me a little less able to appreciate Same Boats recent exposition on the subject. The thought of having hours, weeks and months of hazy memories, induced by consumption of alcohol, is a little terrifying, to be honest. While I’m a fairly outgoing person in my non-drunken state, when I get a little tipsy I tend towards the outright zany – I truly think I’m funnier than Robin Williams and Billy Connelly put together. Which I doubt is true. I have a major problem with spending so much on drink that I end up waking up some days later with gaps in my memory, and a large hole in my bank balance  – I find it hard to understand how some people think this is a good thing!

I read the exploits of ITSB around the place (I’ve checked out his blog, among other things, and can recommend anybody looking to quit drinkin’ to have a look at it!) and while I don’t entirely understand what people like him are going through, I can empathise with it, if not offer some tacit sympathy. I’m not sure about America, but here in Australia the image of hard drinkin’ cowboys is one to be proud of, not ashamed of. This makes it hard to work against the image of the drunken pub crawl and the bravery of those who attempt it – an image we’ve accepted socially through movies and music to think that this is actually okay. To say I’m not a big drinker in conversation is like saying you once fucked a dachshund. Do it sober, you’re ostracised forever. Do it drunk, you’re a legend. That’s the mentality going round here.

(Mind you, as I write this, a national sporting celebrity was recently fired from his team after a drunken night out where he managed to simulate a dog giving him a blowjob… apparently, you can only perform drunken bestiality and get away with it if you’re NOT famous).

It’s somewhat hypocritical to sit here, in the comfortable confines of the Bar None and state that drinkin’ isn’t fun or acceptable, but folks, drinkin’ in moderation is where it’s at. Obliterating yourself every day/week/hour isn’t the way to maintain a healthy lifestyle, as ITSB has attested to. The perils of social alcoholism, while initially a bit of a laugh, eventually overtake the common-sense part of your brain and become your actual life.

So I congratulate ITSB for his efforts, for his ability to recognise and then overcome his drinking problem – I extend that same congratulatory plaudit to anybody else reading this now who is… well…. in the same boat, for want of a better phrase. To accomplish this, to turn a weakness into a personal strength, is valiant and not entirely ignoble. We’ve all read about Al’s problems with the drink, which is part of the reason why he set up the Bar None in the first place, but he’s currently on the wagon and keeping it under control. Again, a valiant effort. I say this not in that mocking, “I’ve only read about this” kind of way that non-drinkers might offer, looking down their nose at you, but in a sincere manner befitting the personal triumph you’ve all accomplished.

Now, shut up and pour me a big tall glass of the strongest shit ya got, Al. After this, I need a drink, then I need a Koala to root**. [**”root” being an Aussie euphemism for sex…. in case nobody understands….]

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A few words from your humble servitor just to remind you, Rodney, and you the rest of y’all that the Bar None is not reserved for those who drink to excess or in any other way have built a shrine to the cult of alcoholism. True to its name, the Bar None bars no one and all are welcome from the hard drinkers to the soft touches, from those who nurse their drinks to those who require medical attention, from prohibitionists to exhibitionists, from T-Totalers to the Totally Fucked.

Thanks again, Rodney, for this look at your life and life in Oz. i’m rooting for you, brother.

Al K Hall

Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, Founding Member of D.R.I.N.K.E.R. (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited), Member of the D-Generation (Drinking Generation) & Tender Bartender at the Bar None

ITSB’s Manifestive

My Fellow Alcoholics,

Your Functional Alcoholic Sluperson here with a first in the Bar None: A Guest Post.

In The Same Boat is a regular commenter on many drinking blogs the net over and has been giving out great, non judgmental advice to drunks and drinkers, wannabes and wanna-not-bes anymore. As a non drinking alcoholic, his experiences help because of the perspective of where he’s been in the same boat.

i sent him an invitation a long time ago to write up his experience and how he was able to tame the monkey on his back and he finally responded with this well-thought, rich and universally useful treaties. Please be sure to leave ITSB a comment thanking him for his insights and if there’s anyone else out there who’d like to share their experiences, you’re more than welcome. This is, after all, the Bar None.

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You know how you are drinking and reading an alcoholic’s blog?   You start thinking to yourself, “Man, I thought I had a problem.  I bet this guy gets 20% of his calories from alcohol or more every week!  Why can’t he stop this madness?” Then you sober up, do some calculations, and realize that 20-33% of your diet consists of alcohol too?   It gnaws into your psyche and you start to obsess: “If I am what I eat, alcohol comprises 1/3 of my being!”  Looking in the mirror you take inventory: your bloated alcoholic neck, your sagging face, the bags around your eyes, and your decaying muscles, only to realize that alcohol is killing you.  “It has to stop!” you keep telling yourself.  But how?  AA is for whiny losers who call at all hours of the night and day only to parrot their platitudes, and blow your cover.  And anyway, you can’t even take step 1.  And you’d sooner die of cirrhosis than take Steps 2 and 3.

And so it went for me.  I tried to “moderate.”  I moved to an isolated part of Los Angeles, deep in the Santa Monica mountains, far enough away from any bar or liquor store that I’d have to drive a dangerous road to get to.  And I made a rule that I would only bring to my house what I bought sober.  That worked most of the time but it was painful.  After the beer ran out, I was left craving more but forced myself to go to sleep.  And soon, the old habits started sneaking back;  I’d stop by the bar on the way home from work, have a couple beers with dinner, and then buy what I needed for home so the buzz would be more intense.   And then there were people who would ask “Why are you living so far away from everything?”  To which I would meekly reply “well, I like mountains.”

Also there were the rare times when I’d actually want to do something social instead of drinking by myself.  Like the time I met this charming film director and she invited me to her party at her bungalow.  I promised myself I wouldn’t drink but there was a table full of free booze and wine and I succumbed.  I made such a fool of myself in front of all these cool people.  The film director seemed to understand and suggested that perhaps I am not the type who should drink.  “But I don’t want to go to AA,” I drunkenly lamented.   She gave me a knowing look and said “There are other options.  There’s a group in Beverly Hills that approaches this problem rationally.  As a scientist you should appreciate that.”  So that planted the seed in my head; I don’t have to go to AA to fix this.   I thought this over as I staggered down Lincoln Boulevard, looking for a cheap hotel to stay in Venice.  Luckily, I found one.  But I was sick for 3 days after that.

I was too embarrassed to ask the director exactly what she was talking about but the idea of finding an alternate group started to grow in my head.  In retrospect, it seems obvious that AA is not the only answer and I am sure I knew that.  Yet I postponed the idea of quitting: never drinking again was too painful a concept to grasp.  I attempted to moderate some more but with little success.  In fact, I was starting to become dangerous.  I found myself in the habit of ditching work on Friday afternoons, hitting the gym, going to a bar,  pounding down several drinks in solitude and then going to see a movie to sober up.   Except I wasn’t exactly sober after the movie ended, driving home was dicey, and  picking up some beer on the way home made it worse.  I was very disgusted with myself.

I am not exactly sure how I found it, but one day I started reading Sum Zero’s blog.  I could identify with this guy: an academic type with a good job, living in a big city with a drinking problem.  I spent a day just reading all of his entries and decided that I should try this SMART recovery program.  Their website is very unappealing at first glance, but his entries made the methodology come alive for me.  So, with some consternation, I forced myself to admit that alcohol is the biggest problem in my life, and if I can’t find 2 hours to attend a meeting that could fix it, then I’m truly pathetic.  And off to my first SMART meeting I went.

The people there were very friendly and helpful.  One challenged me to quit for 90 days and see how I felt.  Another told me upon learning that I am a computer programmer by trade to “reprogram my life without alcohol.”  If I had said I was a writer he undoubtedly would have said “cut alcohol from the story.”  Or if I had said I was a mathematician he might have said “Take alcohol out of the equation.”  So I made a plan to rebalance my life without alcohol.   I would stay away from any triggers, driving a different way home to watch all 5 seasons of Lost on Netflix streaming at night, instead of going to my favorite restaurant/bar. I would count the days.  And I would work the ABCs to cope with the urges.  Further, I had to set goals and find replacements for alcohol.   I decided to train for a marathon.  And as the morning hangovers were replaced with morning runs on the beach in Malibu, I realized that life without alcohol is far more enjoyable.  (The running also kept the post acute withdrawal syndrome under control.)

I kept going to meetings once a week for 6 months.  And they helped keep me on track with certain issues.  The biggest issue  I had was that alcohol is a big part of my family life, unfortunately.  My uncle has a sign in his kitchen that says “Never trust a man who doesn’t drink.”  So when I went home, I was instructed by my SMART facilitator to behave like a objective observer when everyone else was drinking.  And I found I could do that; nobody wanted to talk to me anyway; they were more into their wine.  Luckily I had my two young nephews to distract me and I could entertain them when everyone else was drunk.   I felt like a kid again around the drunk grownups.  Nobody in my family said anything about my not drinking and that was quite a relief.

Another problem I have is is with airports.  I love getting loaded in the airport bar and having a couple vodkas on the flight.  Really, it’s the only way to fly.  I still have to fight those urges intensely.  I tend to schedule my flights early in the morning to avoid temptation.  They also taught me to choreograph the trip in advance, and eat at an airport restaurant rather than stop at a bar.

Finally, the SMART meetings helped because I did not want to admit to the regulars in the group that I had slipped; so I didn’t slip.

In a few days, I will celebrate my one year of sobriety by running the Santa Barbara marathon.  As much as I miss the buzz, I am much happier without it in my life.  The risks and consequences far exceed any joys.  My friends accept the new sober me and I find that I can relate to them better now that I can devote more brainpower to the conversation.  They actually seek my advice rather than a partner to get loaded with.  And they invite me to more events because they know they don’t have to put up with an obnoxious drunk.  Honestly, quitting was the best decision I’ve made in quite a while.  I’m not looking back.

Cheers!ITSB

Dregs of the Week: Oct 13 – 31 (like you know)

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This is the kind of crap that’s sunk to the bottom of the dregs this week: pregnant women with their bottoms up, prison guards getting jailbait drunk

[Press ‘Play’ for a song that Miss D’s gonna ream me out a new one for posting but it’s about booze so i say it stays]

Commoner Dregs

Oct 6: It’s Never Too Late To Put Your Bottom Up

Studies by people who are a hell of a lot more serious and intelligent than i am prove that there is no risk for the baby on board if a pregnant mother knocks a few back. You think that’s rad? Check this out and you know i’m gonna quote it exactly because if i rephrase it you’d just think i’s stupid and not understanding:

Not only did boys whose mothers sipped on one or two drinks a week have a developmental edge, children of teetotalers performed almost as poorly on intelligence tests as children of binge drinkers.

Course you’ll tell me i didn’t get it wrong but maybe the mother who wrote the article did because you just know she’d spiked a slurpee with Monster and vodka while she was freelancing. Basically here’s the “bottom” line: if you didn’t put your bottom up the first time, it’s not too late to do it now.

Oct 26: Jailbait and Switch

This County Prison administrator (named Alfred Crivellaro–49) got the cops called on him because he was partying hard time, trying to get a little escape. When the police showed up in his yard, they found kids as young as 17 mingling in the general population of beer cans, wine and booze bottles. So yeah, he and his wife got busted and he’ll get his wrist slapped with all the severity the law can peter out. Seriously, it’s no big deal because the guy was just holding a graduation party for his high school daughter. They didn’t even post pictures online, the bastiches. At least i’m posting pictures of underage drinkers up top and this shot of Al Cuervo.

Aug 26: John Mayor

John Brady is the Mayor of Mankato, Minnesota and not even that was good enough to get him out of some mayor problems. John was drunk driving because there’ nothing else to do in Minnesota unless you’re the artist once known as Love Symbol and some cop chased him down after Johnny hit and ran over a parked vehicle. The cop pulls him over, sees an open bottle of vodka in the car and when he starts talking to John, thinks John was speaking a foreign language. Apparently the cop didn’t speak drunk, because John failed every field test they could throw up at him and then tested around 0.24% on the BAC, which puts him at 3 times over the legal limit and almost gets him the high record of the week (just like he almost won re-election last Tuesday but lost). My favorite part of this is he was sentenced to 60 days in the workhouse, and that would’ve made him the first politician ever to work except the sentence was stayed, which means John gets to stay lazy.

Oct 13: Drunk Driving a Patrol Car

Even better than a drunk Mayor…. You’re at work, OK, and one of your coworkers, let’s call him Jeff Sprauer because that’s his name, arrives late by plowing into a curb and parking half on the sidewalk with a flat tire in the trunk he says he got when he hit another curb in a different town earlier. Oh yeah, and two citizens already called in about him before that. Oh yeah, he was driving a patrol car because, oh yeah, he’s a cop. Oh yeah, this was the second time because he was already fired from the police department in 2006 for the same thing. See, he was busted for drunk driving in 2006 but was reinstated in 2008 on the “you can’t prove I was drunk” defense, which i would like to try but would never be able to get away with because when i’m drunk the whole world knows it (and usually calls the sober police to complain), which is why i never drive period. Jeff Sprawler gets his old job back and goes about proving everyone was wrong because he pulls the same shit again, only this time in his cop car, during the day. You ‘member the guy from the last Dregs whose plea to the cops was “I know you’re drunk but what am I/ I know you’re drunk but what am I?” Looks like he’s not as wrong or as stupid as we thought.

Sept 13: A Rookie Mistake

You think that was bad, you oughta see how they, and by “they” i mean Chris Christinger, do it in Canada. Not only did this rookie Mountie drunk drive his police truck drunk (apparently the Police horse was on a bender) but he upped the ante way up north by sneaking an 18-year-old into the beer garden he took her to. Then, apparently afraid that not everyone in the great white north would appreciate his stupidity, he posted photos of all this mess on his Facebook page, eh. His bosses were mad at him they docked him ten days pay, which equals a quart of maple syrup, a case of Labatts and a Celine Dion Greatest Hits CD including “My Hard Will Grow On”.

Here’s a wallpaper collage of drunks on Facebook. They are not the photos that Chris-mass posted and i can’t find anywhere no matter how much i look.

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Oct 13: Seven Kids Drive Mother to Drive Drunk

Mary R. O’Neil, this 37-year-old woman in Vermont was arrested last March for drunk driving with 7, count ’em 7, kids in the car. Swear to god, do they really expect us to drive seven kids around sober? Did i mention that she gets the record for the High BAC of the week, testing in at 0.379%, over 4 times the legal limit? For that, she gets to spend 15 days in jail (2 days per kid and one to grow on), which will be like a freaking vacation for her ’cause the kids ain’t coming.

Oct 15: Aussie Wets Himself

They know how to party down under and i’m not talking about anal porn but Australia. Seems this 42-year-old (in Australia they’re too polite to tell you the names of the people who do this shit) got drunk and lost and walked into the wrong shower to sober up (thinking he was in his house). The owner of the house, a 35-year-old babe (because any lady under 45 in Australia is hot by law), called the cops when she heard a stranger passing the water in her shower. The police arrested the dude and everyone felt silly and laughed it off like the sitcom that is life in the Outback.

Bar None's Artist Hallucination of the Event

(Dedicated to Rodney at Fernby Films, who brought this to my attention, and who may wet himself sometime in the near future.)

Celebrity Dregs

Oct 11: Russell Brand Sniffs Alcohol

Here’s one more thing to add to the mountain of things i don’t know. Russell Brand  is on the wagon and that makes me admire him all the more. Course i don’t really know all that much about him anyway ‘cept he did a kick-ass job as the Rock Star in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, he’s got a killer sense of humor and a patter that won’t quit. Seems the brother had addiction problems (booze included else i wouldn’t be babbling on about him here) so he went dry and still stayed cool and even married Katy Perry, which is cool if you’re into her and apparently he is on a regular basis and that’s gotta be all good except when her breasts get in the way but you know me and don’t even get me started on how small boobs are way better. Here’s a picture of Russel Brand ’cause this is all about him.

Look closely, he's on her fingernails.

Oh yeah, i almost forgot why i was talking about him here. So he’s on the wagon but he’s remaking the movie Arthur which is about a rich playboy who drinks all the time and is in rabid lust with whoever the new Bo Derek is and don’t ask me to go looking that crap up because i just spent the better part of the evening doing Katy Perry and gotta spend at least some of these wee early morning hours writing. To get into character, Brand has chosen to sniff the booze because he doesn’t want to drink it and crash his wagon. Hats off, Russell and i’m sure the movie will be better for the effort and, more importantly, so will your life, brother. Speaking of, did i mention he’s married to Katy Perry?

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There’s more single shots of her hanging out in my drawers down there.

Also, to kind of justify all this Katy Perry attention, guess what i found out during all the photo research i subjected myself to. Katy Perry drunk dialed everyone’s favorite teen kitten Taylor Swift (which i don’t think is fair because every time i pull that shit the cops have to get involved and the words “TRO” and “restraining order” are bandied about) last year. Seems the girls are friends (and this is where you start wishing Taylor had starred in Perry’s video for “I Kissed A Girl”) and so Katy was buzzed and called Tay at 3am hoping to leave a joke message but Taylor answered the phone when she heard it was Katy. When she clued in, Taylor apologized for ruining the joke and hung up so Katy could call back and leave the joke message. This is what the stars are doing when you and i are drunk and passed out on the bar stool, so’s ya know.

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Oct 14: Biel All You Can Be

Speaking of stars who don’t drink dial me, there’s the case of Jessica Biel. She recently confessed in an interview that she likes to get hopped up on tequila or scotch (we got us one discerning babe here, peeps) and then drunk dial people. Does she get all messed up and twisted and start talking about how she wants to ride the white, black, roan or dappled pony? Not even. She just says “I love you guys” or “I’m calling to say ‘hey’.” My favorite part of the article was when she described what kind of drunk she was.

“I’m a very fun, giggly drunk,” she said. “I don’t get mean and I’m not one of those people you get worried about. I just get very dancey and silly and fun.

Sounds exactly like me. Up to the point i get belligerent and assholey. Once i get drunknoxious, you should worry about more than me and Jesica Biel. Here’s what she looks like right before she picks up the phone.

No collage here as i’m gonna be exposéing her ass and other assorted body parts very shortly when i review The Social Network. None of this, however, prevents me from posting solo shots of her in my drawers.

Bar None Dregs

Nov 4: A Dreg Rises Above It All

If you got some time, you should check out my Dregs of the Week from a year ago, Oct 12-18, 2009. A woman i wrote about stopped in to visit and to leave a comment. To which i decided to leave a novel. (Did you get you’re supposed to read the Comments Section, yo’s?) Hopefully, the story’s not over yet.

Nov 4: Previews of Coming Distractions

My brother from another mother, In The Same Boat, has graced me with a post detailing some fascinating points about drinking and not drinking. i should be posting this Manifestive over the weekend so stay tuned and be sure to comment and let him know what you think.

Nov 4: Thanks Wayne

i don’t mean to grovel but i do. A big hats off and bottoms up to Wayne Buchanan, who brought us the dregs again this week. His perseverance, dedication and un-canny ability to uncover the coolest of the dregs is truly perspiring. If you get a chance, pop over to his Facebook page to thank him. Or you could do it right here in the comments. Whatever works for you.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Katy Perry (26)

Katy in the Bar None

Katy Perry Kissing a Girl in the Bar None

Jessica Biel (28)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.