Dregs of the Week: Drunk in an Elevator

Cara Delevingne Kissing Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Upton and Cara Delevignge…

Aerosmith – Love in an Elevator

[Press ‘Play’ for “Drunk in an elevator / Throwing it up after tossing it down…“]

Have you ever played that game, “If you could invite any 5 living people to a dinner party, who would it be?” Well, imagine you play that game, and then those 5 people ended up having dinner together. Freaky, right?

You know me (and if you don’t, you ought to know better), i’m not as intelligent as you, so i don’t play that game. When it’s not with myself, i play  “What four people would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” After years of perfecting my selection, i came up with the definitive list of four people i want to be stuck in an elevator with and it’s this:

1. Cara Delevingne (because she’s on every list i’ve ever invented ever)
2. Zooey Deschanel
3. Kate Upton
4. Reese Witherspoon (i bumped off Jesus to include her)

All drunk, of course.

Even more surprising than the perfection of this list is the fact that it all came true, even the drunk part. Here’s the video proof of that.

That vid is also all the proof i need to know that Reese Witherspoon doesn’t read my blog. i already said once in a post where i talked about Cara Delevingne being a LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober Honey), that the correct pronunciation of her name is “Car-ah De La Vagina“. Well, Reese was unaware so when she met Cara, hilarity ensued when she tried to pronounce Cara’s name. Also because she was drunk.

Speaking of her name, here’s a sound bite of Cara pronouncing the alternate, non “de la vagina” version of her name:

i have also come to the official conclusion that Cara Delevingne is not a L.U.S.H., but a young girl playing with the notion of bisexuality and everything else she can get her hands on. i do have photographic proof of that as well, of course.

Cara Delevingne goes both ways

Anyway, there’s tons of NSFW shots of this hot mess at the very bottom of these dregs.

Have you thanked your booze today?

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

WTF!?

From simple fan to simpleton blogger, my pupee, my mental, my proto-gay Saint Pauly’s website is building an audience in its own right. Let’s face it, he’s funnier than i am and i’m not just saying that because his WTF!? website is taking off and i have to stay on his good side.

Check out this review of another hot bisexual, if you don’t believe me.

WTF!? Review of Amber Heard in “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane”

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is NSFW. You’ve been warned, and you shouldn’t be reading the above shit at work anyway.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None with Rihanna

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)

Kate Upton

Kate Upton AssAssin Panties

 

Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel in the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of GIGANTIC

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the movie: Masta Killa – Brooklyn King

Ramblings: Gig-Antics

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you drink with a weird drunk? He goes off on this rambling story about his daily life which is not surprisingly unsurprising but just when you figure out where he’s going with his monologue he drops an ice cube in your beer. Like he starts talking about how he’s found a black grass bug in every bottle of Blue Moon he’s ever bought. Or how he’s haunted by a little boy wearing a bright red banyan that only comes out when he’s taking a dump. And then he goes back to talking about vegetable shopping or the girl that turned him down at the pay phone near the cigarette machine. You can never really figure him out and that kinda gets up your nose but at the same time it makes him more interesting than anyone else in the bar. Gigantic is  like that.

Gigantic was a little over my head, to tell you the truth, but i liked it anyway. The story was pretty cut and dry but there were aspects of it that were so out of joint that they had to be there for a reason. Like metaphors and stuff. i hate it when i can’t figure out metaphor. At least the film was a truly indie film (Paul Dano himself is one of the executive producers) and truly quirky compared to the pseudo-alternative 500 Days of Summer. Not as cute or funny as Juno or Little Miss Sunshine, Gigantic is certainly weirder—closer, in fact, to Donnie Darko. Now, if i could only care enough about the film to want to see it again and figure the weird crap out.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

The three shots here are all filled by a brief, distant and too-dark scene of Zooey Deschanel (almost 30) topless in her panties on a diving board. Even without that and her appearance in a black teddy where her cute little moon cheeks wax out the back, Zooey is still fun as hell to look at. She’s got this natural brewed charm that Lowie lights up the screen like a mellow beer buzz and makes her one of life’s simple pleasures to just watch..

Apart from a scene with three guys in a massage parlor carrying on a conversation while getting handjobs with mini Arabian tents pitched over their poles (“Cradle the balls, honey, otherwise we’ll be here all night”), the ‘sex’ in this movie was limited to the cuteness of the actresses and not what they did with it.

For example, there were some all to brief scenes with Leven Rambin (19):

Leven At The Bar None

In the minor role of Happy Lolly’s (Zooey Deschanel) sister, Melanie, we’re treated to Susan Misner (38), who does a good job with the ‘C’ word.

While John Goodman is cool as all get out in his role of Happy’s father, i’m not gonna post any pictures of his speedo getting tsunamied by his tidal belly. Instead, we get a few Paul Dano (25) shots for those of you of the female persuasion who’ve wandered in today.

Drink: 1 Shot

One tall shot, like the shot glass Happy feeds Brian Weathersby (Dano) vodka shots from.

Here’s the rum down of my notes.

• Wine in a carafe at a fancy French meal
• Bottle of Chateau Margaux at [another] lunch
• Harriet drinks imported beer with a delivery guy named Octavio
• Champagne toast at an adoption shower

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

There’s some soft, breathy folk songs and the rap that Brian listens to in his headphones in the opening sequence but nothing other than that.

Slurred Speeches

Mr Weathersby: Champagne. Cocktails. Drinks. Encores. Come on, everyone, we must drink up.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Matt Aselton and Adam Nagata

Directed by: Matt Aselton

Starring

Zooey Deschanel – Harriet ‘Happy’ Lolly

Susan Misner – Melanie Lolly

Leven Rambin – Missy Thaxton

Paul Dano – Brian Weathersby

John Goodman – Al Lolly

Bottom Line

Not worth seeing in the movies but a good rental choice if you’re intrigued.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of (500) Days of Summer

From the soundtrack: Regina Spektor’s “Us” in the Bar None Juice-Box…listen as you perooze.

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: Unseasonably Tepid

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you see these billboards of a new bar with some radical name and the radio ads sound pretty cool so you think you’ll discover yet another home away from home until you get there and find the place is jacked full of yuppies, the drinks are overpriced and watered down, and not only is it ‘decorated’ but all the decoration is imitation English pub crap that came out of some Ikean nightmare? That’s where i found myself in this flick.

What a disappointing Summer. Here i was expecting this nice indie film getaway and ended up at a run of the mill Motel 6 in the middle of the the suburbs. Basically what you have here is a package tour, emphasis on the word ‘package’. Because that’s all this movie is: marketing to the independent circuit. They get this cool poster and start a lot of buzz and spin it as a quirky thing off the beaten path when in fact it’s standard romantic comedy fare parked dead center in the middle of the road.

Sundance my ass. i’d like to Sun-dance on their freakin’ graves is what. Just ranting about how they manipulated me into seeing this infuriates me and i feel like going up to the top of this review and ripping a star down, but that wouldn’t be fair to Zooey Deschanel, who turned in a neat performance. She did what she could to keep this film cutting edge cute but there was too much other crap holding it back, like the script. Like a narrator who rarely narrates, which is in fact a good thing because his lines come across as Pushing Up Daisies throwaways. Like scenes which are supposed to be ‘experimental’ but actually have all the originality of Applebee’s sports memorabilia.

One pleasant surprise was the supporting role of Rachel, the lead guy’s younger sister, as portrayed by 12-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz. Her performance was solid, especially when considering her age. Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out For Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Obviously, there’s Zooey Descahnel. She’s gorgeous, talented and she’s got that whole black hair/blue eyes look that’s the hottest thing since the creation of fire. Trust me, i know, Miss D’s got it going on too and–whoa my god!

Zooey And Her Sister Emily Deschanel (From "Bones")

There was another hottie in the last scene but she was one of those pinup hotties, not the same natural beauty as Zooey. Still, i’ll post a couple pics for you on the off chance you don’t mind looking at pinup hotties.

The main thing i liked about the sex in this movie is that the director didn’t feel the need to go there. i mean, face it, there’s no way Zooey is gonna go full on nude and one of the bazillion things i hate are ‘soft’ sex scenes which are nothing but close ups of arm skin and women doing it in their bras. These scenes have all the eroticism of an armpit in a deodorant commercial.

Drinks: 1 Shot

We get to see the best friend drunk on stage singing karaoke. Yippee. Guffaw guffaw. Geoffrey Arend plays the friend and does a usual crap job acting blitzed. Another crap drunk performance is given by the male lead, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, when he’s drinking with a blind date in a bar, telling her how hooked he was on Zooey/Summer. The stars also drink shots at a wedding, but nothing special here, either.

The 12-year-old gives her older brother a glass of straight vodka when he breaks up with Summer. He also drinks homemade margaritas when he’s bummed at a party. At the depths of his depression he meals on Jack Black and Twinkies that he buys from a convenience store in his bathrobe. Interesting how most of the drinking done in this movie is when people are depressed. Guess Hollywood is trying to sell us the idea we’re only allowed to get bombed when we’re blue.

Rock & Roll: ½ shot

Some indie music to trick us into thinking it’s an indie film, but don’t get me started on that again or i’ll get depressed and, apparently, have to start drinking.

We get the Smiths. Carla Bruni. We get Hall & Oats, for chrissakes. To top it off: Simon & Garfunkel. Now i like Simon & Garfunkel. i even like the song they played, “Bookends”. Still, no one’s gonna confuse it with anything even remotely related to rock and roll anytime soon.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Scott Neustadter & Michael H Weber

Directed by: Marc Webb

Starring

Zooey Deschanel – Summer Finn

Chloe Grace Moretz – Rachel Hansen

Some Guy – Tom Hansen

[Ok, ok, his name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt]

Bottom Line

Don’t bother seeing it.