Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of DUE DATE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Wolfmother – New Moon Rising

[Press ‘Play’ for a well over due track]

Ramblings: Dude Date

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a college dorm? The guys are pretty cool and funny but nowhere near intellectual and they crack you the hell up and how often do you laugh out loud so hard the beer comes out your nose? It’s not the kind of night where you’ll be talking about it for years and maybe no one is gonna call it “Epic” or but you may get one or two “Awesomes” from the guys. It’s about as much fun as you can have with 3-2 beer and no chicks without leaving the room, but still, you can have a shitload of fun with 3-2 beer, no chicks and without leaving the room despite the fact the room is decorated in sophomoric soviet bloc party. It’s not the kind of night you get tattoos, jailed or religion the day after it was so intense but if these guys threw another party, you’d pro’lly go for sure. That’s what Due Date was like.

This is the movie that was by the same director who did The Hangover, which i loved and which, if you’ll recall, won the Alkie for Best Alcoholic Motion Picture at last year’s bArCADEMY AwkWARDS. i was looking forward to seeing this for a while especially because it got a lot of publicity here in Yeaman after the big success of Very Bad Trip (which, i kid you not, was the title of The Hangover here). And just like that dependable Pizza Hut guy and his crappy scooter after you’ve started in on your second 6-pack, Due Date delivers. And that pizza is gonna taste really fucking good while you eat it but hell, it’s fast food and the next day you’ll forget about it and want more when, like the booze detective you are, you crack the next case.

Plus it’s got Robert Downey Jr. Just in case you don’t know, i’m a big RD jr fan, both professionally and personally. He’s an extremely talented actor who’s capable of bringing a little of himself into the wide range of roles he plays, which makes his characters more human and less caricatural; and i also admire him on a personal level for being able to tame his demons and get his shit together. i want good things to happen to Robert Downey Jr, ‘s what i’m saying. Oh yeah, he’s also very good as the ‘straight’ guy in this “On the Road to Ruin” movie.

Zach Glakakfiaknakis (or whatever; he should really change his name to Zack Glack) has a good time yukking it up as Ethan Tremblay / Ethan Chase , who isn’t a whole lot different than the guy he played in The Hangover. Which is kinda good because Zach has this role nailed and that means we don’t get screwed.

Like a fart when you’re on the can, Due Date is toilet humor you won’t get anything substantial from, but still will make you feel better.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

What a waste. You put all these (OK, 2) really hot girls in an R rated movie and then forget about them. i get this is a “buddy movie” but guess what, buddies like beautiful ladies and are not averse to seeing a little skin. i have lots of Buds and that never stopped me from appreciating gorgeous women.

You know how i know this was rated R (other than seeing the big letter on the movie poster)? ‘Cause of the scene where the buddies have to sleep in the car and Peter (Robert Downey Jr) can’t sleep because of a noise that turns out to be Ethan (Zach Galifianakis)  beating off in the front seat. And then Sonny, Ethan’s dog, starts beating off, too. That’s what passes for sex in Due Date.

Unfortunately, there are no similar scenes with Michelle Monaghan (34), who plays Peter Highman’s (Robert Downey Jr) pregnant wife, Sara. i knew about Michelle Monoghan from before because i fell in love with her and her character in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang,  one of the most underrated movies ever (where, interestingly enough, she shares the screen with Robert Downey Jr). i haven’t seen her in a lot of stuff since then but i’ve missed her so it was bittersweet to see her in Due Date. i was a little bitter because she’s in the movie for all of ten seconds, but it was sweet because she is and because her biggest problem in life is having to go around everywhere apologizing to everyone for being so much more beautiful than they are. Here’s what i’m talking about.

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There’s more Michelle shots down there in my drawers; just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

And the good news doesn’t stop there because guess who else was in this. Just kidding, you don’t have to guess, it was Juliette Lewis (37). If you remember the Booze Revooze of Whip It then you remember that i think Juliette Lewis is the end all be all of wicked coolness except for Miss D. She only had kind of a cameo in Due Date as Heidi the medicinal pot grower but even with this little bud of a role she was smokin’ hot and talented. Like this.

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Definitely Juliette shots in my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

There was only one silken butterfly (you can check out what that means if you click here and read my AlKHall-hics; A Glossary) but it’s OK because when your silken butterfly is Nathalie Fay. She was already really good as Lisa in The Hangover and this time she rocked as the flight attendant. If you see Nathalie around anywhere, can you ask her to come by the Bar None for an interview?

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

For those of you more into Dudes than Dates (and now that the Girls with Prius Envy have been hanging out here kinda regular, i have to make sure they get some eye shots as well) i have, first, the man himself. Robert Downey Jr. (45)

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

In an exceptional move, i got some guy shots of him in my drawers. What can i say? i told you i’m building an alter [sick] to him.

There’s also Jamie Foxx (42) who i already talked about being drunk in some past dregs. First off, here’s what he looks like normal.

And then here’s what that looks like in the Bar None.

Drink: 1 shot

Let’s see what we got here. The movie starts out with Ethan (Zack Glack—hey, i’m giving it a shot) by a guy drunk driving him to the airport. The guy hits Peter Highman’s (Robert Downy Jr) car and Peter says that he smelled alcohol on the driver and was he drunk. To which Ethan replies, “We haven’t been drinking. We just shared a 6-pack. Of 40s.”

That’d be it for the booze. Maybe i should go back and knock it down a half shot.

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

i’ll just put this out there right now. i think Todd Phillips (the director), has great taste in music. i loved the soundtrack to The Hangover and Due Date was just as good. There’s a nice mix of classic / modern / rock / hip hop / traditional / TV themes that really suits the movie well. In addition to the Wolfmother i posted up top, there’s this beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace by Rod Stewart.

Here’s the breakdown of the tuneage.

• Sam & Dave – Hold On I’m Comin’
• Billy Currington – People Are Crazy
• Cream – The White Room
• Wolfmother – New Moon Rising
• Danny McBride- Closing Time
• Fleet Foxes – Mykonos
• MIMS – This Is Why I’m Hot
• Neil Young – Old Man (Live At Massey Hall)
• Pink Floyd – Hey You
• Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane
• Band of Horses – Is There A Ghost
• Rod Stewart – Amazing Grace
• Ice Cube featuring Chuck D – Check Ya Self 2010
• Theme from Two And A Half Men

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Alan R. Cohen, Alan Freedland, Adam Sztykiel, Todd Phillips

Directed by: Todd Phillips

Starring

• Robert Downey Jr. – Peter Highman
• Zach Galifianakis – Ethan Tremblay / Ethan Chase
• Michelle Monaghan – Sarah Highman
• Juliette Lewis – Heidi
• Nathalie Fay – Flight Attendant

Bottom Line

This movie is a slut: if you’re just looking for a good time with nothing serious, you should definitely hook up.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Michelle Monaghan (34)

Michelle Monaghan in the Bar None

Juliette Lewis (37)

Juliette Lewis in the Bar None

Robert Downey Jr (45)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Dregs of the Week: Sept 30 – Oct 3, 2010

 

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Looks like you picked the wrong day to come into the Bar None for a shot. This week, the dregs are packing a whole new way to be loaded in the bar, deep fried beer and, you know it, Oktoberfest. Do you feel me? Do you wanna? That’s not even mentioning the Celeb Dregs with the Bar Nun, underage Bristle Pain and Hayden Pantyhair at…you know it…Oktoberfest. Let’s kick this off with a song that’s #1 with a bullet.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to y’all in Tennessee: Jake Kellen – Guns and Beer and Girls

Commoner Dregs

Oct 3: Loaded in Bars

You know how someone steals your drink in a bar and you wish you had a gun to shoot them in the face? Me too, so let’s go to Tennessee, Virginia, Arizona and Georgia (hey, birds of a feather get shot together) where, by law, we can get all kinds of shots. There is finally legislation that explicitly allows me to carry a sidearm into a public house, and just in time too, because i was all set to start bitching about how the USA isn’t enough like the Wild West. Or Somalia.

Gun people (and you just gotta love gun people, doncha?—especially because if you don’t they shoot you in the face) pressed lawmakers like a trigger to pass the law after the Supreme Court, who was apparently smashed out of their minds on Supreme Cognac the time, said that Americans have a right given to them by God and country not just to arm a militia but themselves as well in the defense of their home; which obviously includes bars because you just know the kind of people who fight for this kind of shit practically live in bars anyway.

But who am i to judge someone who wants to marry their cousin and play William Tell in a saloon down south? Let’s look at this objectively, k?

Here are the pros:

All right, and here are the cons:

Hmmm.

Anyway, what’s sure is that i got more shots of guns and girls in my drawers, if you scroll down.

Aug 31: Deep Fried Beer

Because Texas is jealous that Tennessee always gets to look stupidest, some guy there invented deep fried beer. Apparently, he takes whatever passes for beer down there and puts it in a small pocket of pretzel dough and deep fries it. He says, “It tastes like you took a bite of hot pretzel dough and then took a drink of [oil saturated] beer.” Yeah, after a long hard day “wrangling” cattle (Texas talk for porking the livestock), what you really need to cool down is hot, flat beer soaked in grease.

A special shout out to my one and only Miss Demeanor who brought this bit of tid to my attention. Thanks, darlun.

Sept 18 – Oct 4: Rocktoberfest

i really don’t got nothin’ to say about this because, like an orgasm during a bowel movement, it’s already come and passed. Still, i’m always looking for opportunities to post pictures of hot girls drinking and this’ll do as good as any this week. Besides, i keep hoping if it keep posting this crap y’all eventually are gonna take up a collection to send me there one year.

 

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Celeb Dregs

Sept 25: Hayden Has Hollow Hooters

Hayden Panettiere took her boobs to Munich to show them Oktoberfest. Her boobs look bigger and a lot of websites are saying the twins are recent add-ons but i’m not so sure. i mean, she’s no taller than a German beer stein, right? So where does all the beer go when she drinks it? i’m thinking it fills her boobs. Judge for yourselves…

Here’s the requisite collage and there’ll be shots of her overflowing my drawers at the the bottom of the post.

 

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Sept 28: Bristol Palin Does NOT Drink (& Bears Do NOT Shit In The Woods)

Remember that mini scandal you never heard about? Republican’t politician Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol Palin, is only 19-years old and got caught popping into Rumrunner’s Old Towne Bar and Grill in Alaska. But she didn’t drink, she went there for the nachos. Which is like saying i drink for social contact or read Greased Irish Midgets In Latex for the articles.

Here’s a collage of her not drinking.

 

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She also does not carry a gun.

i bet she moves to Tennessee real soon.

Sept 30: Ho-hum-han

Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. Blah blah blah. After last week’s revelation by InTheSameBoat, i’ve lost some motivation to dwell on our Bar Nun. She’s gonna hafta do something really spectacular to get back in my good graces. Or something really slutty. That’d work, too. Anyway, here’s a blurry picture of her in rehab from Egotastic.

Bar None Dregs

One Giant Step Towards World Domination

We’re kinda super famous! If you’ll remember, i posted an interview with Olga Fedori, the lovely actress from The Wolfman a while back. Well, guess what? Today i discovered Olga now has a Wiki page, which makes her officially (i think because i haven’t bothered to check the rest) my first interviewee to have a Wiki page. Check it out.

Did you see it? Didja? Look very closely at the “References” section. Who comes in just after “Dead Link”? Oh no, they didn’t. But, oh yes, they did go there! Pow. We here at the Bar None are becoming reference material. Didja see my name? My name in Wiki goes something like: Hall, Al K. Which makes absolutely no fuckin’ sense. But still, it’s a first step. Today, reference #2 just after “Dead Link” and tomorrow…maybe i’ll replace “Dead Link”. Dare to dream, babes.

Get Well (And Then In Another Accident)

On another, less personal note, i’d like to thank Juliette Lewis for getting in a car accident. The day after her car crash, the Bar None had it’s second “highest” day ever, coming in at exactly 2,996 page views, mostly for my review of Whip It. Thanks for coming by in drunk droves. And Juliette? Anytime you want to get hit and run, you know where to come, babe.

Where i’m At

For those of you guys who read about my new drinking rule and still care anyway, i’ve been sticking pretty regular to only drinking out of the house. 2-3 business lunches a week, the open bar office party on Friday’s, champagne at art gallery openings… i’ve only broken the rule once and it turned out badly because i drank a bottle of white at home and got mad at Miss D for some shit i should of talked to her about when i was sober but oh well, once in 3 weeks is a hell of a lot better than it was before. So the rule stands for the foreseeable future.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more wit. The wit is over. From now on the post is just pictures and completely witless.

Girls With Guns

Oktoberfest 2010

But wait, don’t girls drink at Oktoberfest? Let’s see…

Hayden Panettiere (21)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of WHIP IT

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tilly And The Wall – Pot Kettle Black

[Press ‘Play’ To Get Your Rock Off]

Ramblings: Whip It, Good

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a bunch of cool girls? They hang out in a group and some are cuter than others and they’re less clean than they are cut and sure they talk too loud but they’re rolling the good times and smoking hot. You drink them in and catch one of those forever buzzes you know will never fade until too soon. Because there’s no way you’re ever gonna get any, the pressure’s off  so you can just sit back in the good times and let yourself be carried along by their wave while you catch yourself smiling, practically joking, and you can’t even blame it all on the booze. As young as the night, they’re independent like the rock they play nonstop from the juice box and sometimes they try too hard but that’s part of their charm. They don’t swear right, dance badly, and can’t pull off a fist pump but that’s what gives them the luster of Suicide little girls. They’re careless but not because they couldn’t care less, they’re just living for the moment and they want you to come along for the ride. If you’re ever lucky enough to get swept along by a bunch of girls like this, hold your breath and keep your eyes wide shut so you don’t wake up from their dream. Whip It is kind of like that.

Drew Barrymore has concocted a finely brewed movie. Like an indie John Hughes flick (though this isn’t as alternative as it tries to be—let’s call it No Alternative), Whip It is a coming of age movie for the grrrls of today. Strong female roles give the movie the kick of a Mike’s Hard Lemonade six pack drunk straight from the bottle. [A special shout out to Miss Demeanor for her insightful comments about John Hughes.]

Shauna Cross--The Real Life Maggie Mayhem-- Author Of "Derby Girl" And "Whip It"

No, it’s not a perfect movie. Like i just said, it tries too hard to be Juno on keg beer and the soundtrack is just a little too perfect to be anything but market studied. And some of the lines fall as flat as one of those English beers they drink warm for no apparent reason other than to show off how odd they are.

But these little flies in the punch bowl don’t get in the way of a good time. The roller derby names alone are enough reason to see the film. (Bliss Cavendar’s derby name is Babe Ruthless and she skates for a team called The Hurl Scouts. Other skaters are known as Jackie Daniels, Iron Maven, Bloody Holly, Rosa Sparks, Smashley Simpson, Juana Beat’n and Jaba the Slut.) Yeah, the whole Roller Derby thing really worked for me.

Whip It will treat you like good beer: not a lot of sustenance but it’ll get you where you wanna go.

Before things heat up, i gotta card Eulala Scheel who’s only 11. She plays Bliss’s sister, Shania, and is Marcia Gay Harden’s daughter both in the film and real life.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

i’m being a little generous here because the only sex seen [sick] is in a pool between Bliss ‘Babe Ruthless’ Cavendar (Ellen Page) and her indie rock boyfriend, Oliver (played by real life indie coffee shop troubadour Landon Pigg). Even there, the only sex that’s seen is Ellen Page undressing to her bra and panties underwater.

Still, there’s enough talent in this movie that y’all are gonna hafta sit back and enjoy the ride ’cause i got a pack of sexy to deal with.

Let’s get this derby rolling with Drew Barrymore. Whip It is her first movie as director and she also gave herself a supporting role as Smashley Simpson.

Apparently Drew And Ellen Became Friends

Close Friends

Very Close Friends

Apart from the bra and panties in the pool, we also get Ellen Page (22, playing a 17-year-old) undressing to her bra on the street to switch t-shirts with her boyfriend. Plus, if Ellen Page isn’t  just as cute as the dickens i don’t know who is— i wanted to reach out and pinch her little cheeks, especially because she spends most of the movie in shorts.

Ellen Page In The Bar None

Alia Shawkat (20) plays Pash, Bliss’ best friend. There’s a scene of them sleeping in the same bed which gets up my nose because Ellen Page is sleeping with her bra beneath PJ’s and y’all know how that gets my Grey Goose.

Love Those Freckles

Brooke Cavendar, Bliss’ mom, is portrayed by Marcia Gay Harden who looks great at 50.

As for the skaters, Juliette Lewis (36) is Iron Maven. Juliette Lewis is the coolest with no qualifiers because that would diminish her coolness. She. Is. The. Coolest. Apart from Miss Demeanor, obviously, who is the coolest Ever.

Juliette Lewis Rockin' Out

Juliette Lewis REALLY Rockin' Out

Juliette Lewis Slippin' Out

Juliette Lewis Coppin' A Feel From Cate Blanchett

The rest of the skaters…

Rachel Bockheim (31) appears in the movie as Jackie Daniels. She’s also a real life skater for the Grand Raggidy Roller Girls in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and was a technical advisor for the flick.

Rachel Bockheim / Jackie Daniels

Kristen Wiig (36) is Maggie Mayhem:

Ari Graynor (26) as Eva Destruction:

Eve (31) as Rosa Sparks:

And Zoe Bell (31—the Kiwi stuntwoman Tarantino used in Death Proof) as Bloody Holly:

Zoe Bell At The Bar None

And, just in case one or two riot grrls stumbled in here, i’m offering up Andrew Wilson (45) who plays the coach, Razor:

and Landon Pigg (26) who plays the love interest:

Drink: 2 Shots

Nothing spectacular but everything looks better after the Twilight 2: New Moon debacle.

At least in Whip It there’s pitchers of beer being heavily consumed at an after-derby party and one of the skaters in a keg stand (when two people help balance a third doing a headstand on a keg while a fourth partier opens the tap into their mouth–invented by college students who simultaneously reasoned this position would help alcohol reach the brain faster and frightened me for the future of every ‘civilized’ nation).

There’s also Pash, who’s underage, drinking after a game and who chucks her beer as a cop approaches. She gets busted for drinking, a ‘minor’ offense. Earlier, Pash gets so drunk at another party that she has to stop making out with a guy in the shower so Bliss can encourage her to barf by telling her to imagine her parents having sex, down to her dad’s jiggling ball sack.

Oh yeah, also Bliss catches her dad drinking beer and watching a football game in a van. She asks for a beer, he refuses but tells her she can have a sip of his. She distracts him and chugs the beer in under a minute, belching loudly as she clears out.

That, and the Hurl Scouts spend a lot of downtime hanging out in a bar.

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

i already bitched a couple times about how i found this a little too contrived and not enough rock, so i’ll shut up about that.

There is another song i’d like to share with ya’ll, though:

[Press ‘Play’ for Peaches – Boys Wanna Be Her]

Here’s the track listing:

1. Tilly and the Wall – Pot Kettle Black

2. The Ramones – Sheena Is a Punk Rocker

3. Cut Chemist, Hymnal – What’s the Attitude

4. The Breeders – Bang on

5. The Raveonettes – Dead Sound

6. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Blue Turning Grey

7. Jens Lekman – Your Arms Around Me

8. Gotye – Learnalilgivinanlovin

9. Peaches – Boys Wanna Be Her

10. Dolly Parton – Jolene

11. .38 Special – Caught Up in You

12. Adam Green, Har Mar – Superstar Never My Love

13. Goose – Black Gloves

14. The Ettes – Crown of Age

15. Landon Pigg, Turbo Fruits – High Times

16. Little Joy – Unattainable

17. The Chordettes – Lollipop (Squeak E. Clean & Desert Eagles Remix)

18. The Go! Team – Doing It Right

19. Apollo Sunshine – Breeze

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Shauna Cross (book and screenplay)

Directed by: Drew Barrymore

Starring

Ellen Page – Bliss ‘Babe Ruthless’ Cavendar

Alia Shawkat – Pash

Drew Barrymore – Smashley Simpson

Eulala Scheel- Shania Cavendar

Marcia Gay Harden – Brooke Cavendar

Juliette Lewis – Iron Maven

Rachel Bockheim / Jackie Daniels – Jackie Daniels

Kristen Wiig – Maggie Mayhem

Ari Graynor – Eva Destruction

Eve – Rosa Sparks

Zoe Bell – Bloody Holly

Andrew Wilson – Razor

Landon Pigg – Oliver

Bottom Line

See it.