Booze Revooze: DJANGO UNCHAINED

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)

[Press ‘Play’ for “Two beers for two weary travelers”]

Ramblings:

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.

Horsing Around

i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.

Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.

Beating a Dead Horse

The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.

Now for the easy part. What went right.

i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.

Suddenly, Jamie Foxx realized she was on her period.

But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.

But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.

Kentucky Fried Johnson

i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.

“I’m so gonna nail this babe!”

Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.

Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).

It’s Hammer Time!

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

The funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that.  So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.

Sex Ed, Lesson 1: You have to take off your clothes first.

Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:

• Underside of JF’s [Jamie Foxx’s] balls as he hangs upside down.

Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.

My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.

Kerry Washington Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.

After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.

Nichole Galicia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.

Laura Cayouette Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?

Amber Tamblyn Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…

Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?

Zoë Bell in the Bar None

Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.

As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.

Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.

For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…

Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.

Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.

Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.

Drink: 3 Shots

Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.

Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.

–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]

• Leo’s [Leonardo DiCaprio] lawyer orders sweet tea & bourbon at bar in house
• Champagne on ice in glass ice bucket
• Other Mandingo owner orders a tequila after his slave dies
• A tall beer for the winning slave Mandingo

Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.

–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]

Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

• Champagne and wine at lunch…
• White wine at Candie’s dinner

To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.

• Brandy after dinner
• Stephen (Samuel L Jackson) drinks brandy while explaining the situation

Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots

And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.

Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70’s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.

Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins

Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Quentin Tarantino

Directed by:
Quentin Tarantino

Ah, to be with friends and shoot the breeze.

Starring

Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy

Bottom Line

See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s it for the words. For those of you who continue, there’s nothing but the pictures.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of DUE DATE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Wolfmother – New Moon Rising

[Press ‘Play’ for a well over due track]

Ramblings: Dude Date

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a college dorm? The guys are pretty cool and funny but nowhere near intellectual and they crack you the hell up and how often do you laugh out loud so hard the beer comes out your nose? It’s not the kind of night where you’ll be talking about it for years and maybe no one is gonna call it “Epic” or but you may get one or two “Awesomes” from the guys. It’s about as much fun as you can have with 3-2 beer and no chicks without leaving the room, but still, you can have a shitload of fun with 3-2 beer, no chicks and without leaving the room despite the fact the room is decorated in sophomoric soviet bloc party. It’s not the kind of night you get tattoos, jailed or religion the day after it was so intense but if these guys threw another party, you’d pro’lly go for sure. That’s what Due Date was like.

This is the movie that was by the same director who did The Hangover, which i loved and which, if you’ll recall, won the Alkie for Best Alcoholic Motion Picture at last year’s bArCADEMY AwkWARDS. i was looking forward to seeing this for a while especially because it got a lot of publicity here in Yeaman after the big success of Very Bad Trip (which, i kid you not, was the title of The Hangover here). And just like that dependable Pizza Hut guy and his crappy scooter after you’ve started in on your second 6-pack, Due Date delivers. And that pizza is gonna taste really fucking good while you eat it but hell, it’s fast food and the next day you’ll forget about it and want more when, like the booze detective you are, you crack the next case.

Plus it’s got Robert Downey Jr. Just in case you don’t know, i’m a big RD jr fan, both professionally and personally. He’s an extremely talented actor who’s capable of bringing a little of himself into the wide range of roles he plays, which makes his characters more human and less caricatural; and i also admire him on a personal level for being able to tame his demons and get his shit together. i want good things to happen to Robert Downey Jr, ‘s what i’m saying. Oh yeah, he’s also very good as the ‘straight’ guy in this “On the Road to Ruin” movie.

Zach Glakakfiaknakis (or whatever; he should really change his name to Zack Glack) has a good time yukking it up as Ethan Tremblay / Ethan Chase , who isn’t a whole lot different than the guy he played in The Hangover. Which is kinda good because Zach has this role nailed and that means we don’t get screwed.

Like a fart when you’re on the can, Due Date is toilet humor you won’t get anything substantial from, but still will make you feel better.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

What a waste. You put all these (OK, 2) really hot girls in an R rated movie and then forget about them. i get this is a “buddy movie” but guess what, buddies like beautiful ladies and are not averse to seeing a little skin. i have lots of Buds and that never stopped me from appreciating gorgeous women.

You know how i know this was rated R (other than seeing the big letter on the movie poster)? ‘Cause of the scene where the buddies have to sleep in the car and Peter (Robert Downey Jr) can’t sleep because of a noise that turns out to be Ethan (Zach Galifianakis)  beating off in the front seat. And then Sonny, Ethan’s dog, starts beating off, too. That’s what passes for sex in Due Date.

Unfortunately, there are no similar scenes with Michelle Monaghan (34), who plays Peter Highman’s (Robert Downey Jr) pregnant wife, Sara. i knew about Michelle Monoghan from before because i fell in love with her and her character in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang,  one of the most underrated movies ever (where, interestingly enough, she shares the screen with Robert Downey Jr). i haven’t seen her in a lot of stuff since then but i’ve missed her so it was bittersweet to see her in Due Date. i was a little bitter because she’s in the movie for all of ten seconds, but it was sweet because she is and because her biggest problem in life is having to go around everywhere apologizing to everyone for being so much more beautiful than they are. Here’s what i’m talking about.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s more Michelle shots down there in my drawers; just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

And the good news doesn’t stop there because guess who else was in this. Just kidding, you don’t have to guess, it was Juliette Lewis (37). If you remember the Booze Revooze of Whip It then you remember that i think Juliette Lewis is the end all be all of wicked coolness except for Miss D. She only had kind of a cameo in Due Date as Heidi the medicinal pot grower but even with this little bud of a role she was smokin’ hot and talented. Like this.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Definitely Juliette shots in my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

There was only one silken butterfly (you can check out what that means if you click here and read my AlKHall-hics; A Glossary) but it’s OK because when your silken butterfly is Nathalie Fay. She was already really good as Lisa in The Hangover and this time she rocked as the flight attendant. If you see Nathalie around anywhere, can you ask her to come by the Bar None for an interview?

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

For those of you more into Dudes than Dates (and now that the Girls with Prius Envy have been hanging out here kinda regular, i have to make sure they get some eye shots as well) i have, first, the man himself. Robert Downey Jr. (45)

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

In an exceptional move, i got some guy shots of him in my drawers. What can i say? i told you i’m building an alter [sick] to him.

There’s also Jamie Foxx (42) who i already talked about being drunk in some past dregs. First off, here’s what he looks like normal.

And then here’s what that looks like in the Bar None.

Drink: 1 shot

Let’s see what we got here. The movie starts out with Ethan (Zack Glack—hey, i’m giving it a shot) by a guy drunk driving him to the airport. The guy hits Peter Highman’s (Robert Downy Jr) car and Peter says that he smelled alcohol on the driver and was he drunk. To which Ethan replies, “We haven’t been drinking. We just shared a 6-pack. Of 40s.”

That’d be it for the booze. Maybe i should go back and knock it down a half shot.

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

i’ll just put this out there right now. i think Todd Phillips (the director), has great taste in music. i loved the soundtrack to The Hangover and Due Date was just as good. There’s a nice mix of classic / modern / rock / hip hop / traditional / TV themes that really suits the movie well. In addition to the Wolfmother i posted up top, there’s this beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace by Rod Stewart.

Here’s the breakdown of the tuneage.

• Sam & Dave – Hold On I’m Comin’
• Billy Currington – People Are Crazy
• Cream – The White Room
• Wolfmother – New Moon Rising
• Danny McBride- Closing Time
• Fleet Foxes – Mykonos
• MIMS – This Is Why I’m Hot
• Neil Young – Old Man (Live At Massey Hall)
• Pink Floyd – Hey You
• Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane
• Band of Horses – Is There A Ghost
• Rod Stewart – Amazing Grace
• Ice Cube featuring Chuck D – Check Ya Self 2010
• Theme from Two And A Half Men

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Alan R. Cohen, Alan Freedland, Adam Sztykiel, Todd Phillips

Directed by: Todd Phillips

Starring

• Robert Downey Jr. – Peter Highman
• Zach Galifianakis – Ethan Tremblay / Ethan Chase
• Michelle Monaghan – Sarah Highman
• Juliette Lewis – Heidi
• Nathalie Fay – Flight Attendant

Bottom Line

This movie is a slut: if you’re just looking for a good time with nothing serious, you should definitely hook up.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Michelle Monaghan (34)

Michelle Monaghan in the Bar None

Juliette Lewis (37)

Juliette Lewis in the Bar None

Robert Downey Jr (45)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Celeb Dregs of the Week: Sep 09 – 29, 2010

Click on the Shot for Wallpaper Size

There was neither enough room nor time for all the dregs i threw up on Sunday, so here’s the Celebrity Dregs.

From the juiced-box, an arrested Warrant: Warrant – Cherry Pie

Celebrity Dregs

July 19: Arrest Warranted

Let’s get the boring shit out of the way first. ‘Member how back in March i told y’all about Jani Lane? You didn’t know who he was, remember? And i told you he used to be the singer for Warrant and you were all like, “Oh yeah, I kinda ‘member” and i was all, “Yeah, well he just got busted for a 2nd DUI in 2 years”? Well, here’s the big mystery and i’ll let you drink free all night if you can solve it. Last news was, Lane got sentenced to 120 days hard time back in July and he was supposed to report to the jail on July 28, 2010. Then there’s a black hole of information because now he’s talking about fronting for the White Stripes and no one, not even TMZ or WIKI, can tell you if he went to the pokey or not.

What do you think? Maybe he’s in Witness Protection because he once did cocaine with Obama back in the “Hey” days of the eight-tays. Well anyways, Lane is the poster child for alcoholism. Check out the following picture and tell yourself, “Wow, if I can kick this drinking problem up a notch think of all the money I can save on shampoo and showers.”

July 19: Project Run-away

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF ALCOHOL ABUSE.

What do you do if you gotta fuck a lot of frogs? Fuck the most boring ones first because you’ll still be able to work it for the hot ones at the end. Which is kinda what i’m doing in today’s celebrity dregs, ’cause we got another “guy story”—yep, 2 in a row — before we move onto the hot. Or will i? Drink and see, patronizers, drink and see…

You know how you know you’ve hit bottom of the barrel? You got to a bar to pick fights with reality show almost-rans. And waste booze. Which makes Arturo Trejo-Perez the King Of Loser Assholes because he’s got some pretentious name and went to some club in West Hollywood and saw some dude who’d been kicked off Project Runway of all shows. So Pear-ass goes up to Rami Kashou (bless you) and starts hassling him. Kashou-Nut just wants to get his drink on so he tells the Asshole King “I’m nobody, just a waiter, leave me alone.” Nope, not good enough for “In the Land of the Hinds, The One-Brown-Eyed Man is King” who dumps his beer (AUUGHHH!!! Alcohol Abuse!) on Rami’s bald head and then T-P (see, even his initials are asshole related) smashes the beer bottle in Kashout’s face. What a douche. If you still care, click on the link at the heading but i got bored of this ages ago and i just wanna post Heidi Klum pictures because she’s in Project Runway.

Heidi Klum in the Bar None

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s gonna be tons more single shots of her down in my drawers— just scroll all the way down.

Sept 26: Piece of Class

A quick note about Gloria Stuart, an old woman who played the old woman in the movie Titanic. She hit 100 (years old, not miles per hour) back in July and just a couple days ago her heart didn’t go on anymore. i’d like to raise my drink and offer a toast to this classy lady who could run an obedience school for today’s young pups and bitches and train them what it means to age gracefully. Barmaids and Beerhounds, i give you Gloria Stuart.

July 31: Trailer Trashed

Case in point.

In your decadent country of those United States, it’s apparently possible to become professional trailer trash. This is a job i could do well. Apparently not as well as some girl named Snooki who we’ve never heard of here in Yeaman because our definition of celebrity isn’t as wide as some of yours are. So this Snooki character got arrested for disorderly conduct after she did body shots in some bar (and with the size of that gut, i’m guessing her navel holds a double shot), fell off a bike, walked around with a beer bong and just got into all kinds of general mischief. Here’s some shots of her bust.

July 29: Reid Between the Lines

Speaking of ladies in trouble…

Tara Reid was super hot in some old episodes of Scrubs i saw a couple months ago. i was all looking forward to doing some research on her for this post when i saw that she got super trashed at this one party in St Tropez over the summer. The good news was, she’s a party animal. Who the hell knew other than not me? Damn, it was so easy to find pictures of her trashed, as you can see by the collage at the top of the post. Shit, here’s another collage of all the men, women and old freakin’ astronauts (Buzz Aldrin) she made out with in the South of France.

The bad news is, her boob job turned out as wonky as some other reality star who also got drunk. You’ll see later. Lesson here, ladies? Don’t touch the boobs! That’s my job. Plastic surgery will screw up your golden orbs and make you depressed enough to want to drink all the time.

Sept 22: Foxx News

This is what’s known as a musical interlude. Jamie Foxx got shitfaced in Santa Monica the other night, drinking Patron Tequila and livin’ the life i should be living. How did he get to be so hot, talented and successful? Blame it on the Alcohol.

From the juiced-box and a Jamie Foxx song: Blame It (on the Alcohol)

July 29: Beer Goggles

Back to the chick action. So this other chick, let’s call her Audrina Patridge (because that’s her name) was in London over the summer and got royally toasted. She got so toasted her eyes went as wonky as her fake boobs, and that’s some scary wonky right there.

Here’s another shot of her partying, but there’ll be more of her in my drawers.

Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad in the Bar None

Sept 07: US Open Bar

You know what kind of girl i wanna party with? The kind that can make a party happen wherever she goes. Even if that place is as boring as the US Open. Ashlee Simpson, who is a singer i’ve never heard of here in Yeaman, bottled up her A-game and didn’t just go there, she went there and brought it and danced around with it and brought it all the way back home.

More drawer shots of her coming up, babes. Just look down.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Heidi Klum (37)

Tara Reid (34)

Tara Reid in the Bar None

Audrina Patridge (25)

Ashlee Simpson (25)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.