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There was neither enough room nor time for all the dregs i threw up on Sunday, so here’s the Celebrity Dregs.
From the juiced-box, an arrested Warrant: Warrant – Cherry Pie
Celebrity Dregs
Let’s get the boring shit out of the way first. ‘Member how back in March i told y’all about Jani Lane? You didn’t know who he was, remember? And i told you he used to be the singer for Warrant and you were all like, “Oh yeah, I kinda ‘member” and i was all, “Yeah, well he just got busted for a 2nd DUI in 2 years”? Well, here’s the big mystery and i’ll let you drink free all night if you can solve it. Last news was, Lane got sentenced to 120 days hard time back in July and he was supposed to report to the jail on July 28, 2010. Then there’s a black hole of information because now he’s talking about fronting for the White Stripes and no one, not even TMZ or WIKI, can tell you if he went to the pokey or not.
What do you think? Maybe he’s in Witness Protection because he once did cocaine with Obama back in the “Hey” days of the eight-tays. Well anyways, Lane is the poster child for alcoholism. Check out the following picture and tell yourself, “Wow, if I can kick this drinking problem up a notch think of all the money I can save on shampoo and showers.”
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF ALCOHOL ABUSE.
What do you do if you gotta fuck a lot of frogs? Fuck the most boring ones first because you’ll still be able to work it for the hot ones at the end. Which is kinda what i’m doing in today’s celebrity dregs, ’cause we got another “guy story”—yep, 2 in a row — before we move onto the hot. Or will i? Drink and see, patronizers, drink and see…
You know how you know you’ve hit bottom of the barrel? You got to a bar to pick fights with reality show almost-rans. And waste booze. Which makes Arturo Trejo-Perez the King Of Loser Assholes because he’s got some pretentious name and went to some club in West Hollywood and saw some dude who’d been kicked off Project Runway of all shows. So Pear-ass goes up to Rami Kashou (bless you) and starts hassling him. Kashou-Nut just wants to get his drink on so he tells the Asshole King “I’m nobody, just a waiter, leave me alone.” Nope, not good enough for “In the Land of the Hinds, The One-Brown-Eyed Man is King” who dumps his beer (AUUGHHH!!! Alcohol Abuse!) on Rami’s bald head and then T-P (see, even his initials are asshole related) smashes the beer bottle in Kashout’s face. What a douche. If you still care, click on the link at the heading but i got bored of this ages ago and i just wanna post Heidi Klum pictures because she’s in Project Runway.
Heidi Klum in the Bar None
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There’s gonna be tons more single shots of her down in my drawers— just scroll all the way down.
A quick note about Gloria Stuart, an old woman who played the old woman in the movie Titanic. She hit 100 (years old, not miles per hour) back in July and just a couple days ago her heart didn’t go on anymore. i’d like to raise my drink and offer a toast to this classy lady who could run an obedience school for today’s young pups and bitches and train them what it means to age gracefully. Barmaids and Beerhounds, i give you Gloria Stuart.
Case in point.
In your decadent country of those United States, it’s apparently possible to become professional trailer trash. This is a job i could do well. Apparently not as well as some girl named Snooki who we’ve never heard of here in Yeaman because our definition of celebrity isn’t as wide as some of yours are. So this Snooki character got arrested for disorderly conduct after she did body shots in some bar (and with the size of that gut, i’m guessing her navel holds a double shot), fell off a bike, walked around with a beer bong and just got into all kinds of general mischief. Here’s some shots of her bust.
July 29: Reid Between the Lines
Speaking of ladies in trouble…
Tara Reid was super hot in some old episodes of Scrubs i saw a couple months ago. i was all looking forward to doing some research on her for this post when i saw that she got super trashed at this one party in St Tropez over the summer. The good news was, she’s a party animal. Who the hell knew other than not me? Damn, it was so easy to find pictures of her trashed, as you can see by the collage at the top of the post. Shit, here’s another collage of all the men, women and old freakin’ astronauts (Buzz Aldrin) she made out with in the South of France.
The bad news is, her boob job turned out as wonky as some other reality star who also got drunk. You’ll see later. Lesson here, ladies? Don’t touch the boobs! That’s my job. Plastic surgery will screw up your golden orbs and make you depressed enough to want to drink all the time.
This is what’s known as a musical interlude. Jamie Foxx got shitfaced in Santa Monica the other night, drinking Patron Tequila and livin’ the life i should be living. How did he get to be so hot, talented and successful? Blame it on the Alcohol.
From the juiced-box and a Jamie Foxx song: Blame It (on the Alcohol)
Back to the chick action. So this other chick, let’s call her Audrina Patridge (because that’s her name) was in London over the summer and got royally toasted. She got so toasted her eyes went as wonky as her fake boobs, and that’s some scary wonky right there.
Here’s another shot of her partying, but there’ll be more of her in my drawers.
Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad in the Bar None
You know what kind of girl i wanna party with? The kind that can make a party happen wherever she goes. Even if that place is as boring as the US Open. Ashlee Simpson, who is a singer i’ve never heard of here in Yeaman, bottled up her A-game and didn’t just go there, she went there and brought it and danced around with it and brought it all the way back home.
More drawer shots of her coming up, babes. Just look down.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Heidi Klum (37)
Tara Reid (34)
Tara Reid in the Bar None
Audrina Patridge (25)
Ashlee Simpson (25)
Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.
You know how you get drunk with a bridesmaid at a second cousin’s wedding? She’s buzzed on white wine and champagne with strawberries in it and her fancy dress looks tight in all the right places but a little askew as she slips down her seat, sips her drink and tells you all about her spiritual quest and about how she’s trying to find herself in Thai cooking lessons, meditation and psychotherapy but the longer she babbles on the more you realize her “spiritual” quest is really a manhunt for true love and you get a little sad when you understand she needs to find a man to find herself. Eat Pray Love is that deluded bridesmaid making you melancholy.
i’m not gonna lie even though (especially because) it’d be so easy to lie to your booze sodden asses. Nope, here’s the truth, i like Julia Roberts. i think Julia Roberts (42) is a good actress and i suspect she’s pro’lly even a pretty cool person considering all the shit she’s pro’lly gotta walk through in heels every day in her life. One of the reasons i didn’t put my foot down and drag my heels about going to this premiere was because Julia was in the movie and in the movie theater. Don’t get me wrong, she’s no Keira Knightley or 
i had a really hard time with this. Jesus, there are two Eddie Vedder songs in this and i’m big into all that is Vedder. Unfortunately, both his tunes are symptomatic of what i don’t like about Eat Pray Love, namely there’s nothing even remotely resembling anything rock and roll. Yes, i know it’s a chick flick but i bet if Drew Barrymore was attached to this movie somehow she’d find a way to infuse this grandma’s teabag with a little rock. Don’t believe me? ‘Cause i know you don’t. You just think i’m drunk and saying whatever i want but you’re wrong. Proof is right here.
You know how you drink with Good Hood and Bad Hood? They’re like Good Cop / Bad Cop except they’re criminals and one of them doesn’t drink a drop of booze and the other one’s shitfaced on whiskey he drank in his dirty bathroom even before he got to the bar. The Good Hood is asking you crap about yourself ’cause he cares and he’s so nice you’d even set him up with your little sister because there’s honor in his system, while the Bad Guy is ‘accidentally’ burning you with the tip of his cigarettes to see if you’ll be dumb enough to start a fight with him so he can kick your ass and break your knee for the hell of it. The nice thing is, even if they’re opposties, they play off each other well because the evening would be too boring if you were just pounding Shirley Temple slammers with the Good Hood but the night would be less sincere if you were just chugging Jaëger and Red Bull until you passed out or killed someone. Balance through the extremes is a good thing and also what The Town was like.
As i mentioned up there, we got Blake lookin’ Lively as Krista Coughlin, the working class single mother bar slut ex girlfriend. The other cool thing is she uses words you’ll never hear her use on Gossip Girl if you’re into hot girls swearing and you know i am. What she lacks in acting talent here, she more than makes up for in hotness. Here’s what i mean.
You know how drink with crazy ass foreigners? You think they’re gonna be all freaky and you’re gonna see shit you ain’t never seen before and things are gonna be so out of hand you don’t know how you’ll hold your drink but then they turn out to be as boring as the friends you already have. They tell the same lame jokes as people you’ve hung with forever, they wear the same stinky clothes and screw the same damn pooches as the people you were hoping to get away from. Then, just when you thought you were gonna bail and polish off a Pabst 12-pack at home while 
There are 3 porn actresses in this movie. Do i really need to say anything else? If so, here’s the blow by blow and believe me, there’s a lot of blowing going on here.
The Bar None -- High & Dry 