From the soundtrack: Regina Spektor’s “Us” in the Bar None Juice-Box…listen as you perooze.
[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]
Ramblings: Unseasonably Tepid
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you see these billboards of a new bar with some radical name and the radio ads sound pretty cool so you think you’ll discover yet another home away from home until you get there and find the place is jacked full of yuppies, the drinks are overpriced and watered down, and not only is it ‘decorated’ but all the decoration is imitation English pub crap that came out of some Ikean nightmare? That’s where i found myself in this flick.
What a disappointing Summer. Here i was expecting this nice indie film getaway and ended up at a run of the mill Motel 6 in the middle of the the suburbs. Basically what you have here is a package tour, emphasis on the word ‘package’. Because that’s all this movie is: marketing to the independent circuit. They get this cool poster and start a lot of buzz and spin it as a quirky thing off the beaten path when in fact it’s standard romantic comedy fare parked dead center in the middle of the road.
Sundance my ass. i’d like to Sun-dance on their freakin’ graves is what. Just ranting about how they manipulated me into seeing this infuriates me and i feel like going up to the top of this review and ripping a star down, but that wouldn’t be fair to Zooey Deschanel, who turned in a neat performance. She did what she could to keep this film cutting edge cute but there was too much other crap holding it back, like the script. Like a narrator who rarely narrates, which is in fact a good thing because his lines come across as Pushing Up Daisies throwaways. Like scenes which are supposed to be ‘experimental’ but actually have all the originality of Applebee’s sports memorabilia.
One pleasant surprise was the supporting role of Rachel, the lead guy’s younger sister, as portrayed by 12-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz. Her performance was solid, especially when considering her age. Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out For Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Obviously, there’s Zooey Descahnel. She’s gorgeous, talented and she’s got that whole black hair/blue eyes look that’s the hottest thing since the creation of fire. Trust me, i know, Miss D’s got it going on too and–whoa my god!
Zooey And Her Sister Emily Deschanel (From "Bones")
There was another hottie in the last scene but she was one of those pinup hotties, not the same natural beauty as Zooey. Still, i’ll post a couple pics for you on the off chance you don’t mind looking at pinup hotties.
The main thing i liked about the sex in this movie is that the director didn’t feel the need to go there. i mean, face it, there’s no way Zooey is gonna go full on nude and one of the bazillion things i hate are ‘soft’ sex scenes which are nothing but close ups of arm skin and women doing it in their bras. These scenes have all the eroticism of an armpit in a deodorant commercial.
Drinks: 1 Shot
We get to see the best friend drunk on stage singing karaoke. Yippee. Guffaw guffaw. Geoffrey Arend plays the friend and does a usual crap job acting blitzed. Another crap drunk performance is given by the male lead, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, when he’s drinking with a blind date in a bar, telling her how hooked he was on Zooey/Summer. The stars also drink shots at a wedding, but nothing special here, either.
The 12-year-old gives her older brother a glass of straight vodka when he breaks up with Summer. He also drinks homemade margaritas when he’s bummed at a party. At the depths of his depression he meals on Jack Black and Twinkies that he buys from a convenience store in his bathrobe. Interesting how most of the drinking done in this movie is when people are depressed. Guess Hollywood is trying to sell us the idea we’re only allowed to get bombed when we’re blue.
Rock & Roll: ½ shot
Some indie music to trick us into thinking it’s an indie film, but don’t get me started on that again or i’ll get depressed and, apparently, have to start drinking.
We get the Smiths. Carla Bruni. We get Hall & Oats, for chrissakes. To top it off: Simon & Garfunkel. Now i like Simon & Garfunkel. i even like the song they played, “Bookends”. Still, no one’s gonna confuse it with anything even remotely related to rock and roll anytime soon.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Scott Neustadter & Michael H Weber
Directed by: Marc Webb
Starring
Zooey Deschanel – Summer Finn
Chloe Grace Moretz – Rachel Hansen
Some Guy – Tom Hansen
[Ok, ok, his name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt]
Bottom Line
Don’t bother seeing it.
The Bar None -- High & Dry 