Turns out Amy Winehouse did not die from excessive knee bleeding from all the time she spent praying, nor did she die from a brain explosion while outlining a plan that would guarantee world peace until the end of the planet.
Here’s what that looks like. She kicked drugs in 2008 and replaced that monkey with the booze monkey. That led to busts and binges, ups and downs and downers until early July when she quit drinking. 2½ weeks later, she fell off the wagon—and into an ocean of vodka. Three bottles after she drifted off and drowned in that sea.
Her blood alcohol content was 0.41%.
Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies
Lifted From Wiki
BAC results range from 0% (you’re dangerously sober) to 0.5% (dangerously drunk). The current law in the United States dictates that anything over 0.08% makes you police bait if you’re behind the wheel.
Here’s what it all means for us normal people:
0.01-0.029%
What You Do
Remember you have a watch
Have taste
Feel like crap
What You Shouldn’t Do
Feel superior
Make fun of drunk people–remember, you’ll be one soon enough
Stop drinking
What You Can’t Do
Say “No more for me. I’m done.”
Leave
Have fun
0.03-0.059%
What You Do
Pretend you’re not drunk
Overestimate your looks and your intelligence
Believe everything you say
What You Shouldn’t Do
Drink stronger booze
Play games in traffic
Allow anyone to film you
What You Can’t Do
Count how fast you drink
Say “Preliminary cinnamon”
Accurately judge the passage of time
0.06-0.10%
What You Do
Begin every sentence with, “I really shouldn’t say this, but…”
Walk into walls and spill your beer
Sing TV theme songs
What You Shouldn’t Do
Flirt with the ugly person you find “interesting looking”
Convince yourself everybody pees against public buildings
Think karaoke is a good idea
What You Can’t Do
Stay out of the bathroom for more than thirty minutes
Say “Subliminal ethnicity”
Call home, ’cause your significant other will aurally ream you a new one
0.11-0.20%
What You Do
Pick fights
Cry over everything
Think you can dance (and insist on proving it)
What You Shouldn’t Do
Go anywhere near a phone, you’re now in drunk dialing territory
Join a drinking game
Start a friendly game of “I’m gonna tell you what I really think about you.”
What You Can’t Do
Stand still
Stop drinking
Say “No, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.”
0.21-0.29%
What You Do
Anything and everything
Forget everything you say
Wake up covered in your friends’ practical joke
What You Shouldn’t Do
Look up pictures of yourself covered in the practical joke on the Web
Debate anything with your significant other
Ride in a car with a nice interior
What You Can’t Do
Stand up
Sit up
Make complete sentences
0.30-0.39%
What You Do
Pee your pants
Hit on everything
Take everything way too seriously
What You Shouldn’t Do
Brag about peeing your pants
Heed the call to expose private body parts
Sleep on your back
What You Can’t Do
Talk
Have ‘just one more’
Say “Call 911”
>0.40%
What You Do
Pass out
Leak bodily fluids through several orifices
Die
What You Shouldn’t Do
Expose yourself to open flames
Leave the bathroom
Die
What You Can’t Do
Anything and everything
Wake up
Breathe
So, obviously Amy Winehouse was in dangerous territory. But how does she rank according to others? Has anyone that drunk been to hell and BAC? Here are some records and broken ones.
Clocking In At 0.45%
The tragic story of a 16-year-old honor student, Rhona Tavener. This English girl, not normally a drinker, went to a party at a rich kid’s £1 million estate, where they had her start off with sips of friends’ drinks before she downed half a liter of Smirnoff straight. She fell off the hammock, was given CPR by her friends as they took her home and showed up at the hospital in a one-way coma.
The world needs every sweet sixteen we can get, girls. Don’t drink and die.
Clocking In At 0.72%
Yes, nearly twice the death limit. Terri Comer (AKA Wanda Woman) passed out while driving home and crashed her car in a snow bank–within eyesight of a road sign warning against drunk driving. Man, if i’d made that up people would be all over my ass for not showing enough imagination.
Clocking In At .914%: To Hell And BAC
Almost 1 percent of this guy’s blood was alcohol. Let’s just sit back for a moment and think about that…
Hmmmm….
So this 67-year-old Bulgarian guy gets bumped by a car and taken to the hospital unconscious. He smelled drunk so the doctors tested him. When they saw the result, they thought their equipment was screwed up. They did five separate lab tests to be sure, and sure enough: 0.914%. ELEVEN TIMES over the legal drinking limit had he been driving.
Don’t let the shot above fool you or go ahead, i really can’t be bothered to give that much of a shit. What i mean is that this week’s (and i use the term “week” as loose as Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ scratch-and-sniff after a night at the YMCA sponsored Greco-Roman hot tub wrestling festival) dregs are settling more on the men than the women. But you know me—and if you don’t you’re not reading this ’cause you got raptured—i won’t settle for that so i spent gobs of time and gobs of effort to pretty this post up a little. Still, the theme of this week is firmly Junk Male.
Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated a little to my Male Order Bride Jonathan Rhys Meyers and ever so especially to Matthew Perry: Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself
[Press ‘Play’ for “I’ma Go To Rehab”]
Celebrity Dregs: They are so Takei
Way up inside my “Junk Male” issue is the notion of Femi-men, because most of the ‘guys’ licking the bottom of the barrel (ooh, there’s a euphemism for you) this week are of questionable heterosexuality. This is why i talked about “They are so Takei” in the mini headline just right up there.
You know how i know actor George Takei (aka Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu) is gay? ‘Cause he married a man.
Plus he keeps telling people about it all the time.
It seems that in some state in the USA they call Tennessee, it could soon be against the law to mention in schools that homosexuality exists. Ironic, considering i’m not even sure Tennessee exists but there you go. Anyway, this has become known as the “Don’t Say Gay” law there, so George Takei with all his interplanetary diplomacy skills has suggested we replace the word “Gay” with “Takei”. Don’t believe me? Check this shit out:
[Pressing ‘Play’ doesn’t necessarily mean you’re Takei.]
Everyone and their therapist knows that the Bar None maintains a very strict “No Haters” policy and, as such, homosexuals are super welcome. Hell, some of our best gays are friends. In keeping with this tradition, i plan to discuss homosexuality so much that everyone will say this issue of the dregs is gay. Really gay. Some people may even say this is the gayest Dregs ever.
I feel an ass kickin' coming on. Where's the nearest airport?
Starting things off, here’s Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who i would have homosexual sex with if he ever became a man. The only thing hard about this guy is his drinking, ‘s what i’m saying.
This is the man who was arrested in 2009 for getting drunk in a Paris airport and beating up the waiter who intervened when Meyers started a fight with the bartender who cut him off. Before that in 2007, he was arrested for public drunkenness in a Dublin airport. Dude, if you get busted for public drunkenness in France and Ireland (public drunkenness in Ireland is a crime!? Who knew!?), for fuck’s sake stay out of goddamn airports.
Footage from the Paris Bust
Guess what, his suppressed homosexuality reared its ugly head in an airport again a couple weeks ago when, while waiting for a flight in a JFK bar, he pounded vodkas like man-holes until he wasn’t allowed to get on the plane because he was already flying. He pitched a hissy fit so hard his proxy boyfriend girlfriend screeched, “It’s either the boobs or the booze, you choose.” He, or course, chose the beard [AlKHallism: Thanks to Miss D for the vocab lesson] because he’s not ready to come out to himself yet. To prove my point, he went into rehab to shut her up. Unfortunately, he has better luck staying in the closet than a clinic because he left after 10 days for “business” reasons which really means “I’m gay and it’s no one’s business.”
P.S. He has flunked rehab four times.
P.P.S. If you don’t believe he’s really Takei, you’re gonna wanna scroll down and look around my drawers, where i keep the visual proof.
Another dude trying to drown the Takei inside him clawing to get out is Rick Springfield, who sang in the 80’s (yes, he was that gay), “I wish that I was Jesse’s girl”. Or something. Springfield was so obviously Takei that all the little girls loved him because their little cloven hearts could get all mushy without fear of actually being penetrated.
Rick Springfield Mug Shot
He got busted for DUI is why i’m writing about him. On May Day (that’s how i know he’s gay), he was pulled over for a traffic violation in LA or some place with the same spelling and cops smelled booze on his breath. He bombed the field sobriety tests and blew (he was very good at blowing) 0.10 and 0.08 on the BAC which was enough for a free trip to the pokey. The non-gay kind.
You have got to listen to this: The Partridge Family – We Gotta Get Out Of This Place
Another teen idol who was Takei enough to collect crushes like pansies on a daisy chain is David Cassidy who had his own TV show with the hotter and much more masculine Susan Dey. “Dey” which rhymes with…Takei. Anyway, he got popped too, just like Rickie, for DUI. Only his was back in February (maybe he popped prematurely?) so he already got sentenced to community service because 1) he got judged by famous people law (which is very different from the law you and i have to obey) and 2) the judge was afraid Cassidy would enjoy being a prisoner too much for it to be counted as punishment.
He pleaded “No Contest” which is legal-speak for “I can’t think of good enough bullshit to fool a jury”. The punishment for this is writing “I was a naughty naughty boy” 500 times on a billboard or some other shit as equally tame.
My favorite part of this crime was looking up pictures of young 60’s idol Susan Dey, which i’ve included in the drawers, down below.
Another guy with a TV show is Ricardo Chavira who’s in Desperate Housewives as Carlos somebody and he got busted driving drunk and so what. So what is that in the TV show he plays Eva Longoria’s character’s husband which is close enough for me to do an exposée on Eva Longoria. Which looks something like this.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
As if that wasn’t enough, there are more shots of her in my drawers.
But back to Ricardo. Here’s the down and dirty (that’s what Jonathan Rhys Meyers said): Rick “The Dick” Springfield beat him to the punch. (Sorry, Rhys, it’s a euphemism.) ‘Cause, like Ricky, Ricardo 1) was nabbed in LA 2) for a traffic violation when 3) officers smelled booze on his breath and he 4) failed the field sobriety test. The only way Ricardo rolled the other way was in refusing blood and breath tests, which is actually the right decision if you’re wasted.
What i like most about this guy is that every fucking picture of him looks like a mug shot. Google his ass (and his face) all over the place, nearly every pap shot of him looks like it was taken during booking. Makes it super easy on the police and me too, because this mughsot i’m posting is not the real mug shot but is from some event that didn’ t include community showers.
Chandler Bing, who some people know by his real life name of Matthew Perry, is going back to rehab. He already went once in 1997 and once in 2001 for his problems with prescription pills (bo-ring) and booze (yay!!!!!!!!!!). The good news is, he didn’t relapse, he just thought it’d be a good idea to go back to treatment before the shit hit the fan. He preemptively moved his ass away from the fan, i’m saying. (Rhys, back your ass away from the fan this instant.) Here’s how he put it (that’s what Rhys said),
“I’m making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web.”
Only problem is, i’m trying to make fun of him but i can’t think of anything funny to say. Bastard. i mean, what’s fun about a star who realized he had problems, sought help for them and is continuing to ensure he doesn’t relapse? How am i supposed to mock this!? Fucker. All i’ll say is that it’s a damn good thing no one else in the industry is as rational and down to earth as Perry otherwise i wouldn’t have anything to write about.
Bree Olson, AKA Charlie Sheen’s #winning #Goddess, drove her Lexus into a tree in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The cops on the scene had her blow and she blew it, 0.19% to be precise, which is more than double the 0.08% drunk you’re allowed to be when you drive. This was last February and since then the court told her she can have two days in June to defend herself.
Bree Olson and Charlie Sheen's Future
What the hell is her strategy gonna be? She blew 0.19! She might get away with pleading insanity after she proves she gave up porn to be one of Charlie Sheen’s #Goddess’s. Or maybe “Self Defense” if she can prove she was trying to kill herself before she hurt herself driving drunk. (It’s a blonde thing.) It’ll be easy as her pie to prove it wasn’t premeditated because she has no brain. (Sorry, Bree! Sometimes i let my rabid wit get away from me.)
Bree Olson Mug Shot
Maybe the drawer shots will make up for my slight slight. Scroll all the way down and let me know what you think.
Lula is as premature as they come. Joining the ranks of Miley Cyrus and Emma Roberts, say hello to 17-year-old Tallulah Belle Willis, daughter to some guys named Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. She was “cited” for underage drinking, which means she got a verbal tongue lashing, after she stumbled drunk out of a car in Hollywood (and so would i). She and her big hairy posse of 2 girls were carrying 2 bottles of hard alcohol so the cops took her in. Because she’s a minor, they had to call an adult to pick her up at the station. i would of loved for that to be Ashton Kutcher but, like i said, it had to be ab adult so Demi did it.
It’s not like this was the first time, either. Check out this picture:
This is Tallulah holding ice water. Only problem is she was drinking the water because she was drunk and smoking cigarettes. And 15 years old. At Scout Willis’s 18th birthday bash. Willis’s motto? Die Hard but Party Harder.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here is my evidence supporting the case that Jonathan Rhys Meyers is Takei.
Any questions?
Jonathan Rhys Meyers walking to the Bar None
Susan Dey
Eva Longoria
Eva Longoria in the Bar None (kinda)
Bree Olson
Bree Olson in the Bar None with Charlie Sheen
Bree Olson in the Bar None (look in the lower right corner, if you're eyes will go that low)
The dregs have been fermenting for awhile so we got some trouble brewin’. Like there’s a catwalk in a straight line, a wine pump, getting shitfaced on piss, a new kind of suicide assistance and vampire beer. On top of that (where it belongs), i know you know we know we got Lindsay Lohan, the Bar Nun, back where she belongs.
From the juiced-box: Labelle – Voulez-Vous Couchez Avec Moi Ce Soir
[Press ‘Play’ for something that’ll make sense at the end of the commoner dregs, swear on The Bible (or, as we say in French, La Bible)]
James Gilpin must be from the United Kingdom or England or one of those other countries where they drive on the wrong side of the road. ‘Cause over in those countries they talk wrong too, like to be “pissed” is to be drunk, not pissed off. So, i’m thinking James Gilpeen is from there or just really drunk or pro’lly both because he had this idea which goes something like this. “Hmm, I’m a biomedical research guy and elderly diabetics have a lot of sugar in their urine so wouldn’t it be cool if I collected old people pee, fermented it and mixed it with whiskey?” Now, if he could only find a reason for people to drink that instead of just straight whiskey.
Adam Segura is running for Bar None hero status. He got busted drunk driving, but everybody and their peeing diabetic grandma does that. What makes Adam special is that he got pulled over twice, in 5 minutes. Driving a cop car the second time. He got pulled over the first time, was handcuffed in the cop car and while the cops were outside interviewing someone else, he slid the cuffs to the front and drove away. Too bad he got caught again after a couple of minutes or he would of made hero for real.
Sheryl A. Urzedowski is 38 which means she’ll never be a top model, at least not like the drunk babes in the collage up top. Still, it’s like Heidi Klum says, “One night you’re drunk, the next night your out”. Sheryl got pulled over for DUI and had to walk a straight line, except she did it three times with her hands on her hips. So the cop informed the America’s Next Drunk Model that she was under arrest. She insisted that the officer read her the “Amanda Rights”. Sure, it’s funny but wouldn’t it have been funnier if she said “Read me my Miranda KERR rights”. Plus it would of been hotter.
Staying with the theme of DUI, ’cause i’m all about the logical transitions, we got a brother and sister duet that i refuse to make any “shocking” puns about. Seems Darlene Neward had a glass of the Jager before heading out with her little kids and her brother. She and her bro-ski got into over something so she shot him with a stun gun. Then, and why is there never any explanation for the fun stuff, she stun gunned herself. The cops came and there was much arresting. Stunning. (Hey, i only promised not to make any “shocking” jokes.) Oh yeah, i almost forgot the worst part of this mess. You know what her BAC was? Fuckin’ 0.089%. Yep, only 0.009% over the legal limit. If you’re only gonna be that lamely “drunk”, you’re not allowed to use the booze as an excuse for your stupidity. Stand up and face the stupid, woman.
Staying with the family theme, Valerie Jenkins (56) knows how to help out when you’re feeling suicidal. Seems her husband was plastered and wearing his death colored glasses and was whining about offing himself to his tender wife. Always one to lend a helping hand, she asked her dearly inebriated if he wanted the gun. He told her he did, she went to other room and got a pistol which she tossed on the sofa beside him. He picked it up and shot himself in the face. She’s now being prosecuted for manslaughter.
This 17-year-old kid, Ryan Gelineau who lives in Assachussettes, burrowed through the roof of a pharmacy to steal 100 bottles of pills, $320, 4 cartons of smokes and cough syrup. Honestly, i have no frickin’ idea where to begin with this one. Should he have broke into a liquor store instead of a pharmacy if he wanted to drink? But there were cigarettes in the pharmacy, does that mean nicotine is medicine? Or does it mean they sell other shit than drugs. If they do, why did he go for the cough syrup and not the booze? Because he went for the cough syrup big time. See, he couldn’t get back through the hole he’d hacksawed in the ceiling so he hidout in a crawlspace and drank 2 bottles of codeine laced baby booze and passed out. Funkin’ lightweight. The next morning his cellphone ringing alerted the staff who called the police. Still, cigarettes in a pharmacy, there’s an odd logic in that.
Not much to say about this. In a country called Belgium or Europe, they make this special beer by the light of the full moon because it brews faster. The beer is ready in 5 days instead of 7, which i guess also means the full moon period is longer in the old country than in the new land. All this BS is supposed to make the beer stronger but still smooth. The name of the beer is Paix-Dieu, which means “Peace God”, which is how the French pronounce “God Piss”. Anything makes sense if you think about it long enough.
Check this out a sec while i sit over here weeping for joy.
In this other country called France, they have an expression other than “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?” It goes, “Mon Dieu!” and it means “Sacré Bleu!” This is the kind of shit they say when they realize how lucky they are that they can go to any old supermarket and there’s a Wine Pimp. Wine by the gallon, or “liter” i guess because they do everything different over there. Basically, you take the mademoiselle to the store, fill her up, then ask if you “voulez-vous couchez avec moi” all over the place. Ooh la la. Or, as they say in France, Ooh la la.
Celebrity Dregs
There’s really only one story this week and you know what that is. Lindsay had a quickie in jail—in and out. Yes, the Bar None’s Bar Nun had a brush with the law but all’s well that ends well. Thank god the ‘crack’ team over at FREE LINDSAY!!! was on the case (of beer). Rather than siphon through all the news and have the re-runs here, everyone’s life’ll be easier if i just give you the blow. By blow. And then cut right to the pictures.
i’m running out of time tonight, Barmaids and Beerhounds, so i’m gonna cut out here and hook you up with the other Celebrity Dregs later on in the week.
Bar None Dregs
Y’all pro’lly saw the previous post but i’ll just reiterate it here. Rodney over at Fernby Films was cool enough to ask me to help him out during his Worst Film Week, and if you want the worst you know where to go. So i hooked him up and he was nice enough to link me up all over the place. So you should pro’lly head over there and check this shit out.
In my continuing effort to serve you as the FASe of the D-Generation (Drinking-Generation), i humbly present the following public disservice:
i Got Your BAC: Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies
Part 2: What It All Means
Lifted From Wiki
BAC results range from 0% (you’re dangerously sober) to 0.5% (dangerously drunk). The current law in the States dictates that anything over 0.08% makes you police bait if you’re behind the wheel.
Here’s what it all means for us normal people:
0.01-0.029%
What You Do
Remember you have a watch
Have taste
Feel like crap
What You Shouldn’t Do
Feel superior
Make fun of drunk people–remember, you’ll be one soon enough
Stop drinking
What You Can’t Do
Say “No more for me. I’m done.”
Leave
Have fun
0.03-0.059%
What You Do
Pretend you’re not drunk
Overestimate your looks and your intelligence
Believe everything you say
What You Shouldn’t Do
Drink stronger booze
Play games in traffic
Allow anyone to film you
What You Can’t Do
Count how fast you drink
Say “Preliminary cinnamon”
Accurately judge the passage of time
0.06-0.10%
What You Do
Begin every sentence with, “I really shouldn’t say this, but…”
Walk into walls and spill your beer
Sing TV theme songs
What You Shouldn’t Do
Flirt with the ugly person you find “interesting looking”
Convince yourself everybody pees against public buildings
Think karaoke is a good idea
What You Can’t Do
Stay out of the bathroom for more than thirty minutes
Say “Subliminal ethnicity”
Call home, ’cause your significant other will aurally ream you a new one
0.11-0.20%
What You Do
Pick fights
Cry over everything
Think you can dance (and insist on proving it)
What You Shouldn’t Do
Go anywhere near a phone, you’re now in drunk dialing territory
Join a drinking game
Start a friendly game of “I’m gonna tell you what I really think about you.”
What You Can’t Do
Stand still
Stop drinking
Say “No, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.”
0.21-0.29%
What You Do
Anything and everything
Forget everything you say
Wake up covered in your friends’ practical joke
What You Shouldn’t Do
Look up pictures of yourself covered in the practical joke on the Web
In my continuing effort to serve you as the FASe of the D-Generation (Drinking-Generation), i humbly present the following public disservice:
i Got Your BAC: Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies
BAC & How It Works
Blood Alcohol Content means the amount of alcohol that is in your blood. It’s tested with a breathalyzer, which is a device that looks like a juice box with a straw you blow into rather than suck out of.
See, what happens when you drink is the ‘happy cells’ in the booze don’t get digested but instead do their happy dance in your blood. Their light little fingers trickle along your ivory veins and play every organ in your body. When they float through your lungs, part of them evaporate inside little lung baggies doctors like to call alveoli because it makes them feel smarter than you. When you breathe, the happy cells that went from your blood into your lungs come out of your mouth in alveolar air. Breathalyzers count the number of happy cells in your breath and guess if you’re drunk or not.
The Bar None -- High & Dry 