24 | October | 2010 | The Bar None -- High & Dry

Bring out your dregs. Bring out your dregs, to misquote Monty Python and The Holy Grail. ‘Cause i got two weeks of dregs overflowing thanks to some awesome participation from the regulars here in the bar. Like we got political tequila, Palestinian Oktoberfest, one big apse Church, and

From the juiced-box and the #1 country album of the week: Kenny Chesney – Hemingway’s Whiskey

Commoner Dregs

Oct 9: This Is Fun About Peace Love & Understanding

How many times have you been wandering around Palestine and wanted to get your drink on but you can’t because that’s one dry ass desert. Guess what, next time you decide to hang out in the Middle East and wander around the heart of Muslim country, make sure you stop by Taybeh. This rocking town of 2000 souls did what any other Christian outpost in the middle of Mohammed-land would do: open a brewery. From there, the next logical step is to…? Anyone? Anyone? Celebrate Oktoberfest. Maybe not as big or sexy as the one in Munich but i bet it’s a lot easier to get a hotel room and a drink.

Oct 12: You Have the Right to Remain

Don’t you hate it when you’re taking a leisurely drive in the park, careening off posts and tearing up the botanical gardens when the public comes along and takes your keys!? And you were even staying on the footpath and everything for chrissakes, which in itself is a kind of miracle considering this 50-year-old woman had a BAC of 0.19%.

Oct 11: I’m Not Drunk, You’re Drunk

Here’s the problem with citizens’ arrests. William Valdiviez was passed out all safe and sound in his Chevy Avalanche (?—there’s really a car called an “Avalanche”? Does this name really install confidence?) with the engine running and reverse lights on. So this loser approaches the vehicle and knocks on the window, so Save Willy takes off. And crashes into 2 parked cars. So the police come and here’s a new strategy for the next time the cops catch you drunk driving. Refuse every test they try to throw at you and continue to insist that the arresting officer is the one who’s drunk. Still, if the “concerned citizen” had let the guy sleep it off…

Oct 4: My Brother Did It. With The Invisible Dogs.

So maybe you don’t feel comfortable telling the cop you’re not the one who’s drunk, he is. i can understand that. Try this…next time you decide to wear your favorite drinking shirt—you know the one i mean, the one that says “I Have A Drinking Problem” on it—and get so drunk that you crash into a neighbor’s house, do me a favor and do exactly what James Johnson (50) did ’cause i sure could use the laugh. When the cops ask “Have you been drinking?” as you stagger around the yard of the people’s whose house you smashed into tell them, “My brother has been drinking.” i fucking love this excuse and i don’t even have a brother. Next time i’m in the shit and someone says, “Did you steal that bottle of Jack and rape that farm animal in the heavy petting zoo in front of all those third graders on a field trip?” my retaliation will be, “No, my brother stole the whiskey and screwed the goat in front of all those kids.” After that, it’s almost anti-climatic to say that Johnson blamed the accident on the dogs running around in the back of his truck, which didn’t even exist. Like my brother.

Oct 9: Drunk Drunk Goose

This guy called Troy Kaczor (40 years young) lives in this place called Wausau in a state called Wisconsin. He got super drunk and saw a one-legged goose that he decided be wanted to have over for dinner. Literally. So took off his shirt and chased the goose into the Wisconsin river, where the cold water incapacitated him so the firemen had to come and save his ass so the police could arrest him on an outstanding warrant. Anyway, all this is good enough for me to post a picture of hotties drinking grey goose.

Oct 11: Tequila Shots for Latino Voters

You see that collage up there at the top of the Dregs this week? You know who else wants those hotties other than us? Republicans. Cali republicans. Republicans want some of that action so bad they’re drinking tequila shots wherever they go to impress the Eses. The sick shit behind this is that it’s two re-pubican women doing this nasty. The theory is that they think only drunk Hispanics would vote for their ugly asses so they’re taking the first shot to show the rest of the state how it’s done. When you see their pictures, their theory doesn’t look so stupid.

Celebrity Dregs

Oct 11: Church Communion

In case you don't know who Charlotte "One Big Ass" Church is--Click for wallpaper

[Press ‘Play’ for something that’d probably make me cry if i’d been drinking more.]

There’s this English opera singer who’s name is Charlotte “One Big Ass” Church and she’s 24 and has been singing since she was born. Apparently she’s not all that special though because she gets drunk and sings karaoke badly just like you do. This is apparently news because she said it to a journalist and you didn’t because if you said it to a journalist then it’d be news, too. Here’s what she looks like when she’s drunk.

Charlotte Chruch in the Bar None -- Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’ll be more of that big apse down in my drawers.

Oct 8: Kim Kardashian is Dripping Wet

So this woman who has the weirdest job ever, professional cleavage, got into a bar fight in some New York City dinner club. Seems she was just there hanging out, like literally, and some guy comes up to her and wants to have a picture taken with her, to which she graciously replies, “Sure, whatever.” So then the guy’s GF (Goofy Freak) throws her drink on the professional cleavage which looked like a river of liquor flowing through a valley between two fake mountains.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Check out my drawers for professional cleavage shots.

Bar None Dregs

Oct 23: World Record

Just to let y’all know yesterday was a red letter day here in the Bar None. If it seemed a little crowded in here, it’s because we served over 4,000 people, most of whom came in here (and i had to clean it up) to hang out with Featherston. Everyone’s welcome, even the one-handed stragglers indulged in normal activity.

This affluence of patronizers pushed me up and over the 500,000 mark. Yes, thanks to all of you, especially you because you’re actually reading this shit, more than half a million people have found their way in here. Gold bless you and all who sail on you, my brothers and especially the chicks who aren’t my sisters.

Oct 24: Wayne Buchanan Shout Out

Special thanks to Wayne Buchanan who sent me far more links than i could ever get to this week. i asked him for some help and he helped me all over the place. Unfortunately, i got so much life goin’ on i wasn’t able to get to all the stories he collected (and there’s still another set i haven’t even looked at) and so i don’t get too much of a backlog i’m gonna hafta cut my losses and post what i got right here and screw the rest. Hey, if any y’all got more time than me, let me know and i’ll set it up so you can help out with the dregs. Yes, it has gotten that busy.

Anyway, thanks Ken, my Brother, for the help and i’ll get started digesting the next batch tomorrow.