09 | October | 2010 | The Bar None -- High & Dry

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Looks like you picked the wrong day to come into the Bar None for a shot. This week, the dregs are packing a whole new way to be loaded in the bar, deep fried beer and, you know it, Oktoberfest. Do you feel me? Do you wanna? That’s not even mentioning the Celeb Dregs with the Bar Nun, underage Bristle Pain and Hayden Pantyhair at…you know it…Oktoberfest. Let’s kick this off with a song that’s #1 with a bullet.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to y’all in Tennessee: Jake Kellen – Guns and Beer and Girls

Commoner Dregs

Oct 3: Loaded in Bars

You know how someone steals your drink in a bar and you wish you had a gun to shoot them in the face? Me too, so let’s go to Tennessee, Virginia, Arizona and Georgia (hey, birds of a feather get shot together) where, by law, we can get all kinds of shots. There is finally legislation that explicitly allows me to carry a sidearm into a public house, and just in time too, because i was all set to start bitching about how the USA isn’t enough like the Wild West. Or Somalia.

Gun people (and you just gotta love gun people, doncha?—especially because if you don’t they shoot you in the face) pressed lawmakers like a trigger to pass the law after the Supreme Court, who was apparently smashed out of their minds on Supreme Cognac the time, said that Americans have a right given to them by God and country not just to arm a militia but themselves as well in the defense of their home; which obviously includes bars because you just know the kind of people who fight for this kind of shit practically live in bars anyway.

But who am i to judge someone who wants to marry their cousin and play William Tell in a saloon down south? Let’s look at this objectively, k?

Here are the pros:

All right, and here are the cons:

Hmmm.

Anyway, what’s sure is that i got more shots of guns and girls in my drawers, if you scroll down.

Aug 31: Deep Fried Beer

Because Texas is jealous that Tennessee always gets to look stupidest, some guy there invented deep fried beer. Apparently, he takes whatever passes for beer down there and puts it in a small pocket of pretzel dough and deep fries it. He says, “It tastes like you took a bite of hot pretzel dough and then took a drink of [oil saturated] beer.” Yeah, after a long hard day “wrangling” cattle (Texas talk for porking the livestock), what you really need to cool down is hot, flat beer soaked in grease.

A special shout out to my one and only Miss Demeanor who brought this bit of tid to my attention. Thanks, darlun.

Sept 18 – Oct 4: Rocktoberfest

i really don’t got nothin’ to say about this because, like an orgasm during a bowel movement, it’s already come and passed. Still, i’m always looking for opportunities to post pictures of hot girls drinking and this’ll do as good as any this week. Besides, i keep hoping if it keep posting this crap y’all eventually are gonna take up a collection to send me there one year.

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Celeb Dregs

Sept 25: Hayden Has Hollow Hooters

Hayden Panettiere took her boobs to Munich to show them Oktoberfest. Her boobs look bigger and a lot of websites are saying the twins are recent add-ons but i’m not so sure. i mean, she’s no taller than a German beer stein, right? So where does all the beer go when she drinks it? i’m thinking it fills her boobs. Judge for yourselves…

Here’s the requisite collage and there’ll be shots of her overflowing my drawers at the the bottom of the post.

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Sept 28: Bristol Palin Does NOT Drink (& Bears Do NOT Shit In The Woods)

Remember that mini scandal you never heard about? Republican’t politician Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol Palin, is only 19-years old and got caught popping into Rumrunner’s Old Towne Bar and Grill in Alaska. But she didn’t drink, she went there for the nachos. Which is like saying i drink for social contact or read Greased Irish Midgets In Latex for the articles.

Here’s a collage of her not drinking.

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She also does not carry a gun.

i bet she moves to Tennessee real soon.

Sept 30: Ho-hum-han

Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. Blah blah blah. After last week’s revelation by InTheSameBoat, i’ve lost some motivation to dwell on our Bar Nun. She’s gonna hafta do something really spectacular to get back in my good graces. Or something really slutty. That’d work, too. Anyway, here’s a blurry picture of her in rehab from Egotastic.

Bar None Dregs

One Giant Step Towards World Domination

We’re kinda super famous! If you’ll remember, i posted an interview with Olga Fedori, the lovely actress from The Wolfman a while back. Well, guess what? Today i discovered Olga now has a Wiki page, which makes her officially (i think because i haven’t bothered to check the rest) my first interviewee to have a Wiki page. Check it out.

Did you see it? Didja? Look very closely at the “References” section. Who comes in just after “Dead Link”? Oh no, they didn’t. But, oh yes, they did go there! Pow. We here at the Bar None are becoming reference material. Didja see my name? My name in Wiki goes something like: Hall, Al K. Which makes absolutely no fuckin’ sense. But still, it’s a first step. Today, reference #2 just after “Dead Link” and tomorrow…maybe i’ll replace “Dead Link”. Dare to dream, babes.

Get Well (And Then In Another Accident)

On another, less personal note, i’d like to thank Juliette Lewis for getting in a car accident. The day after her car crash, the Bar None had it’s second “highest” day ever, coming in at exactly 2,996 page views, mostly for my review of Whip It. Thanks for coming by in drunk droves. And Juliette? Anytime you want to get hit and run, you know where to come, babe.

Where i’m At

For those of you guys who read about my new drinking rule and still care anyway, i’ve been sticking pretty regular to only drinking out of the house. 2-3 business lunches a week, the open bar office party on Friday’s, champagne at art gallery openings… i’ve only broken the rule once and it turned out badly because i drank a bottle of white at home and got mad at Miss D for some shit i should of talked to her about when i was sober but oh well, once in 3 weeks is a hell of a lot better than it was before. So the rule stands for the foreseeable future.