Dregs of the Week: Oct 19 – 25, 2009

October 23: Looks like we don’t need to worry our pretty little heads over it anymore. According to Lindsay Lohan, her 15 year old sister knows when to leave the party early and go home to study. Able to earn from her big sister’s mistakes, apparently. “She has a good head on her shoulders,” Lindsay said, without mentioning the rest of Ali. A mistake i refuse to compound; judge for yourselves:

October 16: Here are the BEAR facts. In Minnesota (i’m not sure which town, but it’s ok, there’s like only one anyway), a brown bear BEARelled into a grocery store and went straight to the BEAR cooler. The video’s here, if you want to grin and BEAR it. (Y’all didn’t know i was sponsored by the American Pun Assholeciation did ya?)

October 20: Speaking of fridges, a guy broke into a pub in Ridge Manor, Florida. Instead of stealing anything, he pried open the door to a storage shed, ate a can of tomatoes and then fell asleep. He was found by security guards the next morning. Drunk before he got there, ya think? Jeebus, doesn’t anyone drink in bars anymore?

October 22: Speaking of bar robbery, there’s a woman, either rocket scientist or hitching post, not sure which but it doesn’t really matter anyway, goes into this bar in Massachusetts. She leaves later, with some guy, and gets mugged right outside the place. Tragic. The thieves got $27,000. Wow, super lucky thieves, right? Nope, turns out the woman was walking around the bar showing everyone the 27 grand in her purse that she’d gotten from sort of insurance settlement. Guess what the police officer said. i quote: “The woman should have put her cash settlement in a bank.” Come to the Bar None, babes, if you really want someone to Serve you and then Protect you.

October 19: i wanna party like they do in Reno. There’s 50-year-old there who’s been busted three times for DUI. And not just three times, but three times in 17 days. Go ahead and party in Reno, if you like, but stay off the streets for chrissakes. Doesn’t anyone drink in bars anymore?

October 20: Speaking of DWI, you want a lazy boy, i got your lazy boy. Dennis Anderson (or Leroy Dennis, depends on the site) pleaded guilty to drunk driving his recliner. Seemed he went the bar, pounded 8 or 9 beers, hopped on his motorized recliner and crashed into another car while driving home. Don’t ask me why, but all of this gives me an idea for a toilet seat bar stool. The Bar None could use that kind of creativity. Anyways, here’s the chair:

October 22: Finally, what would a Dregs of the Week be without a Mug Shot? Here’s Dennis Quaid’s:

Here’s Dennis Quaid in his car after leaving a bar:

Now, here’s the cops telling him he shouldn’t be driving:

Here’s Quaid getting out of his car and going back to the bar to call a cab:

Now is it just me, or are the police giving him a break they didn’t give the La-Z boy? Like i always say, better a movie star than a redneck. Just sayin’.

C’mon, you knew i wouldn’t be able to leave without one more Ali Lohan shot:

Are You Thinking What i'm Thinking?

On a final note…

i broke a hundred!

Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker currently has a total of 116 hits for the day, so for the first time since i started this blog (i began posting regularly at the end of August 2009), i’ve had over 100 hits in one day.

In 2 months, the Bar None has served over 1,600 readers and has increased Patronizers for every week since its foundation.

i would like to thank Miss Demeanor for her constant help, forgiveness, encouragement and understanding.

i’d like to thank my lesbians.

i’d like to thank all y’all who are coming here to read the Booze Revooze; i hope you spend more time and take a look around the other offers on tap.

i’d especially like to thank Ken, Conan the Troutman, the crabby old guy, Gabrielle Chapin,  Shell for making the effort to leave comments and all the rest of you faceless masses who are still holding back. Hopefully you’ll feel more and more at ease here and be willing to share your stories. i’d love to hear them.

Thank you again for patronizing me. If you had fun, invite a friend.

A Post From My Lesbians

My Lesbians’ Message Is After The Photos

Here are my Lipstick Lesbians (i have their permission to post these photos, so i’m goin’ for it):

My Lesbians Kissing

My Lessbians Kissing Some More

People in AA will NEVER give you this sh*t.

i Al K Hall, your FASe, am going above and beyond what the rest of the world could bring. Look, i could be on the wagon and spending all my time telling you what not to do, but has AA hooked you up with photos of lipstick lesbians kissing? Does being off the wagon mean you can’t get into two HOT lesbians in their 20’s? Does not drinking mean  you’re immune to the idea of young lesbians kissing?

There is a message other than: DON’T DRINK AND BE SAFE. The message is: DRINK AND HAVE FUN.

It is possible, you know.

i now give the floor to my lesbians. [i have not edited their message because they’re cute when they’re buzzed.]

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So, this is Dani and Melinda speaking….now that we are all a bit tipsy Al isn’t able to post…but we are! Because we have our American keyboard, not this squirelly French Keyboard.

SO! What to talk about, as Al’s lesbians….hmmmm…we just spent a significant amount of time educating Al […] about what Lesbian sex IS. We tried to teach all the things that any man should know about the lady body[…]. Let’s see, what are some of those tips:

1. Wait til it’s WET! Just do it. Don’t do the lick finger/hand thing, keep playing with the clit and rest of body until you have appropriate wetness. Don’t just dive in.

2. Scissoring exist, yes…but don’t think that Mr. Garison is the epideomy of lesbian sex. There is so much more to lesbian sex than the scissor.

3. The clit is almost MORE important than the vagina. But the whole body and the brain is the most important sex organ! Lots of kissing. Listen to the body, yada yada

4. Fisting shouldn’t really be enacted until you’ve got an older woman, maybe one that’s had a kid. And if you DO decide to do it, start with a finger…go to two, three and four, BUT don’t slam them in. The knuckles are a huge step, take it easy!

So thats the lessons we imparted on Al […]….stay tuned for more Al K Hall’s advice in the future!

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Yeah, like i coulda made that up.