In keeping with the FCC’s Equal-time rule and in an effort to keep the international Functional Alcoholic Slurperson election fair and balanced, i have generously decided to donate advertising space on my blog to my fellow can-idates. This is the third and final can-idate before Tuesday’s election.
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Wile Kiotey
Wile Kiotey
Name: Wile Kiotey
Sex: No thank you. I owe $37,000 in alimony from my last fucking time.
Occupation: Super Genius
Qualifications
As An Alcoholic
- Arrested for DUI…
- After an accident…
- Driving a bar stool.
My Stool Sample
As Functional
- I can count. (The arresting officer asked me if I’d had more than 12 beers and I told him, “Yeah, more like fifteen.”)
- I knew when to refuse field sobriety and Blood Alcohol Content tests. (Check out the police report at The Smoking Gun.)
- Dude! I OWN (AND INVENTED) THE ROAD RUNNER! Now you can drive from home to the bar and back without getting out of your seat.
Slogan: Wile Kiotey Won’t Take You For A Ride!
Bumper Sticker
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ELECTION DAY: D-2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bar None -- High & Dry 