In keeping with the FCC’s Equal-time rule and in an effort to keep the international Functional Alcoholic Slurperson election fair and balanced, i have generously decided to donate advertising space on my blog to my fellow can-idates .
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Wanda Woman
Wanda Woman
Name: Wanda Woman
Sex: I’m usually slightly too unconscious to know.
Occupation:al hazard
Qualifications
As An Alcoholic
- I hold the record for the highest Blood Alcohol Content ever recorded: .72, eight times the legal limit.
- I crashed my car into a snow bank and passed out in front of a Don’t Drive Drunk sign.
As Functional
- I survived, which means…
- I’m a superhero. (With a BAC of .40 a normal person becomes comatose and runs a high risk of going into respiratory arrest and dying–I reached nearly double that.)
Slogan: ONoonnne’sssss Nooo oNe’sss Drknuer Drukner Thnm Tham Meeeeeee
Bumper Sticker
Why You Should Vote For Me
My running mate, Iva Blojob. She may have registered a BAC of only .55 but she’s a helluva lot hotter than me.
Iva Blojob -- Sex: Oral
The Bar None -- High & Dry 